Pragmatic Compendium

I tried. I really tried. I just can’t do it.

I cannot find any joy, satisfaction, relaxation or anything else from trimming photos, cutting paper with various scissor patterns, gluing with non-acidic adhesive, creating pithy quotations, and perfecting my handwriting with non-acidic gel pens. I understand that some people scrapbook as a hobby. It appears that my hobby is limited to the collection of scrapbooking paraphernalia.

Case in point? I’ve been married 17 years and I haven’t finished my wedding album.

So. Thanks to Shannon, this “Doesn’t Work for Me Wednesday” has prompted me into action. I have decided to part with the space hogging plethora of scrapbooking supplies which has lived - for the last 10+ years - on a bottom shelf in my laundry room.

ebay, here I come.

Instead, I’ve signed up for Blurb. Now this is MY kind of scrapbooking. A digital alternative for those obsessed with technology! With prices comparable to the cost of scrapbooks and supplies, “real” books with glossy pages and requiring a LOT less space, this is the freakishly organized way for me!

I was introduced to this site by Chris at Notes From the Trenches. She made a beautiful book and posted some great photos. Check it out!

My kids LOVE this! (and have been nagging me to bake some for two days.)

Ingredients:
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (about 2 large)
1/2 cup sugar (I use half brown sugar)
1/3 cup liquid vegetable oil margarine (I use Smart Balance margarine)
2 egg whites
1/3 cup skim milk
1 1/4 cups all purpose flour (I use half whole wheat flour)
1 cup Quaker Oat Bran cereal, uncooked
2 teaspoons backing powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda

Directions:
Heat oven to 350.
Spray loaf pan with cooking spray or oil lightly.
Combine bananas, sugar, margarine, egg whites and milk and mix well.
In a separate bowl, combine flour, oat bran, baking powder and baking soda.
Slowly pour dry ingredients into the banana mixture and stir just until moistened.
Pour batter into prepared pan.
Bake at 55 to 60 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.
Cool 10 minutes in the pan; remove to wire rack.
Cool completely.

Nutritional Info: (for 1/16 of a loaf)
(before my modifications to the recipe)
Calories 130
Protein 3 g
Carbohydrate 20 g
Fat 4 g
Fiber 1 g

Another tip? When bananas start to get soft in our house, I toss them into the freezer, skin and all. Then, when I make banana bread, I put the frozen bananas in a bowl and fill it with warm water a few times. When the bananas are thawed, I tear off the tip of the skin and “squeeze” the banana out like toothpaste. PERFECT for making banana bread and no wasted bananas!

I almost always make three or four loaves at one time. The mess is already there, the ingredients are already out and the oven is already hot - so why not? It freezes VERY well, sliced or whole!

Our favorite way to eat it? Sliced, topped with “spray butter” and warmed in the microwave for 15 to 30 seconds.

Click HERE for a Print friendly PDF Version!

Warning: This is L O N G. You may need a nap in the middle. Or at least a snack.

Here’s two things I read this past week.

The first, in an email sent to me from FirstHusband:

A woman died and was sent to heaven. One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him. She only wanted to ask one question of him. So she asked, “Why did you create man before women?” God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, “Every good design needs a rough draft.”

(Yep. That’s FirstHusband. - Gotta love him!)

The second, in Chapter 6 (read it online here) of the book, The Excellent Wife, written by Martha Peace:

“Woman was created for the man, not man for the woman.”

Then Mrs. Peace notes 1 Corinthians 11:7-9 as support for her statement. According to her book, 1 Corinthians 11:7-9 reads like this:

“For a man is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. for man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” (emphasis added)

I looked these verses up on www.BibleGateway.com in an attempt to figure out which version of the Bible Mrs. Peace was quoting. The closest I found was from the New American Standard Version:

7 For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. 8 For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; 9 for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but (C)woman for the man’s sake.(emphasis added)

Why does she misquote scripture here?

Because quoting the beginning of verse 7 would call attention to the context? Check out verses 5 and 6:

5 But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved. 6 For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head.

The head covering verses? Seriously. The head covering verses? Verse 7 was misquoted to avoid reference to the head covering verses? Mrs. Peace is a big chicken. And I know that of which I speak. I’ve been a big chicken myself.

I’ve been following along with a study of this book, currently lead by Leslie at Lux Venit. I haven’t posted until now, because I’ve been the odd “man” out. And I’ve been chicken. FirstHusband’s email has given me courage. So did Leslie’s commentary:

“Honestly, this chapter left so much to be desired. Peace packs too much into this chapter without giving much in the way of explanation. I read this chapter four times and still finished just as frustrated the fourth time as the first. Peace offers a verse or two on which to base her statements, and that’s it. She uses the controversial 1 Corinthians 11 verses without any helpful interpretation, and verses from Ephesians that Paul himself calls “a mystery.” A woman without any prior knowledge or understanding of these verses would be very confused.”

I’m not confused. I’ve just lost some confidence in the author of this book. It’s not just Mrs. Peace. Overall, anyone (book authors included) who makes a declaration of God’s will without supporting their point with the Bible loses credibility with me. And when they misquote scripture or take it out of context in their attempt to support their point? Not working for me.

Here’s the thing. I spent years in the Baptist church, accepting and believing everything that was taught to me, without question. When I met FirstHusband (ChristianFriend at the time), he challenged me. He was ornery. He would draw me into theological discussions and take the opposing view, just to see if I knew why I believed what I believed. I don’t like losing. And I was losing those debates. A lot. (He later told me he was “testing” me and that I was the first Christian girl who didn’t slink away wondering if he was a Christian when he asked them difficult spiritual questions.)

So as a result of all these discussions, I started asking my pastor and other Christians lots of questions, reading my Bible more, reading commentaries . . . learning. Grounding my faith in Biblical wisdom instead of heresay (not heresy). Taking responsibility for my beliefs. Today, I no longer accept what others say without question. (Oprah has no power here.)

So if Mrs. Peace wants me to view her words as fact or truth instead of opinion, she needs to prove them. Convince me. Show me. In the Bible.

She’s not convincing me. Rather, she’s prompted me to double check her use of scripture.

Wary, but undeterred, I move on. I pass by the diagram showing how we are made in God’s image because it was so unbelievably simplistic, until I realize the graphic is being used to set up for the next one. Mrs. Peace is quoting a retired professor from Columbia University who compares the relationship of man, woman and God to the Holy Trinity. My first response was to be creeped out. But wait. Let me think on this one a few minutes.

I’m liking it. Very cool. Check out Professor Hatch’s breakdown for yourself:

The planner who makes the plans—God the Father.

The one who carries out the plans—God the Son.

The one who also carries out the plans as well as keeps and empowers Christians - God the Spirit.

In the Trinity, of course, there is perfect harmony. All are satisfied with their roles. There are no “power plays” or role confusion. Note how the Lord Jesus describes both His work and His role as well as that of the Holy Spirit:

“We must work the works of Him who sent Me, as long as it is day; night is coming, when no man can work.” John 9:4

Jesus therefore said, “When you lift up the Son of Man, then you will Know that I am He, and I do nothing on my own initiative, but I speak these things as the Father taught Me. And He who sent Me is with Me; He has not left Me alone, for I always do the things that are pleasing to Him.” John 8:28,29

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.” John 14:26

Also, within the Trinity, it is interesting to note who gets the glory. The Holy Spirit did not come to call attention to Himself but to Jesus.

Jesus said, “But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come. He shall glorify Me; but He shall take of Mine; and shall disclose it to you.” John 16:13-14

In addition, Jesus did not come to call attention to Himself but to the Father.

“I glorified Thee on the earth, having accomplished the work which Thou hast given Me to do.” John 17:4 (emphasis and red letter added)

Empower? I use that word all the time to describe my training philosophy. I can relate. I can also deal with the idea that I should “empower” my husband. Very cool.

Then I notice the word “helper.” That’s from the New American Standard version. It appears Professor Hack is attempting to call attention to the similarities between the word “helper” as it applies to the Holy Spirit and how it applies to the role of a wife. Is that an appropriate comparison? Going over to www.blueletterbible.com, I look up the word “helper” used here. In Greek it means “paraklētos” and I’m grinning because the part of speech for this word is “masculine noun.” And it’s being sited as a word for the role of a wife in marriage. But what does it the word mean? I also find the outline of Biblical usage for paraklētos:

1) summoned, called to one’s side, esp. called to one’s aid

a) one who pleads another’s cause before a judge, a pleader, counsel for defense, legal assistant, an advocate
b) one who pleads another’s cause with one, an intercessor

1) of Christ in his exaltation at God’s right hand, pleading with God the Father for the pardon of our sins

c) in the widest sense, a helper, succourer, aider, assistant

1) of the Holy Spirit destined to take the place of Christ with the apostles (after his ascension to the Father), to lead them to a deeper knowledge of the gospel truth, and give them divine strength needed to enable them to undergo trials and persecutions on behalf of the divine kingdom

okay. I’m dense. I’m still not clear on how this applies to the role of wives in marriage. I go straight for the Greek definition: “comforter, advocate.”

Okay Prof Hatch. I can be that for my husband. I try to be that for him already. And even though I’m saying that on the internet right now, I really don’t need to take any credit for it either. Is that what you’re saying? I’m okay with that.

I move on again, because even though I’m not down with Mrs. Peace at the moment, I’m not ready to stop reading her book yet and I am gaining new perspective. I am however, very aware that it’s Professor Hatch who led me to that new perspective, not Mrs. Peace. He made a statement and backed it up - with the Bible.

After the last quote by Professor Hatch (shown above) - in both the printed book and in the online text of this Chapter, Mrs. Peace doesn’t clearly indicate that she has stopped quoting Prof Hatch and has gone back to her own thoughts again. It’s always confusing when a writer does that, but in this case, I figure it out immediately because of what she writes:

So, Just as Christ glorified the Father by doing the Father’s “work,” you are to glorify your husband by doing the husband’s “work”. Your role is to glorify your husband. You were created for him.

And now I’m creeped out again. It’s the word “glorify.” Not EVER a word I have considered when thinking about what I do for my husband. Back to www.blueletterbible.com (I love this site!). Glorify, in greek it’s doxazō and the Biblical usage is:

1) to think, suppose, be of opinion
2) to praise, extol, magnify, celebrate
3) to honour, do honour to, hold in honour
4) to make glorious, adorn with lustre, clothe with splendour

a) to impart glory to something, render it excellent
b) to make renowned, render illustrious

1) to cause the dignity and worth of some person or thing to become manifest and acknowledged

Okay, some of it I get (although if I tried to “clothe” FirstHusband “with spendour” I don’t think it would go very well. Something like bathing a cat.)

But still. The word “glorify” creeps me out. I’ll stick with the word “honor” (#3 above) if that’s okay with you.

I’m also confused about what Mrs. Peace means when she says I’m supposed to be doing my husband’s “work.” Why does she put quotes around the word “work?” Jumping over to page 55 of the book (towards the bottom of the page in the online text), I see the “Eighteen Ways a Wife May be the Glory of Her Husband.”

okay. Let’s take them one by one.

1. Ask your husband, “What are your goals for the week?”
2. Ask your husband, “How can I help you to accomplish these goals?”
3. Ask your husband, “Is there anything that I can do differently that would make it easier for you?”

I’m good with all three of these, given my freakish organizational nature and textbook communication skills. I don’t think a weekend goes by where FirstHusband and I don’t talk about what’s going on during the upcoming week. So, these are great ideas. Not Biblical directives but good, solid ideas to strengthen a relationship and make a household run more smoothly. For a week, at least.

4. Be organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking. As you fulfill your God-given responsibilities, your husband is then free to do his work.

My “God-given responsibilities” are to be “organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking?” So the fact that my husband and I share these tasks means what? I’m outside of God’s will? What does it say about my husband? What does the Bible say about the yardwork? In our house, we’ve figured out a division of responsibilities that works for us. If I were to do all the household chores by myself, FirstHusband would come home to me sitting wide eyed and comatose, needed a shower and saying “ba baba ba, baba . . . ” (remember that scene in Overboard with Goldie Hawn?). Besides. That Proverbs 31 woman? She had “servant girls” - not “girl” as in singular, but “girls” as in, more than one.

And why is there no mention of ANY of the responsibilities that come with raising children? Seriously. I found the word “children” ONCE in this chapter. In #6 below, where she says I’m to put my husband before my children. Even then, sometimes that’s not possible. When an infant depends on one of your body parts for food, you have to feed them, even if it means your husband has to wait.

So for all the wives and mothers out there who are exhausted at the end of every day, who smell like curdled milk, who want to know how to get dried caramel off the seat of their van, who don’t remember what it’s like to go to the bathroom by themselves or without someone talking to them with their lips pressed to the crack in the door, who accidentally wear mismatched shoes to work, who just don’t seem to ever put themselves on their own to-do lists and who pro-actively strive to run an efficient, but loving home . . .

You need yourself some servant girls. No servant girls? Then, no condemnation for “failing” to “Be the Glory of your Husband” because you can’t cross this #4 off your list.

And that’s all I have to say about that. (for now.)

Back to the list:

5. Save some of your energy every day for him.

Again, a good, solid idea from Mrs. Peace. But it is dependent on how #4 works out for me on a given day. I try, but truth be told, there are times when my kids “swim down together” and wear. me. out.

6. Put him first over the children, your parents, friends, job, ladies’ Bible studies, etc.

We are a team and we work together to accomplish the goals we’ve set for our family. We’re each other’s best friend. We raise our kids together.

7. Willingly and cheerfully rearrange your schedule for him when necessary.

If one of us needs the other to be somewhere, we are - if at all possible (unless he’s out of town). Sometimes we make concessions. For example, I’m scheduled to sing at a Mother’s Day Brunch on Saturday. We recently bought a boat. So you know what he wants to do on Saturday. But he doesn’t want to go without me. Do I cancel because I’m supposed to put him first? Should I have said no to the commitment in the first place? He says no to both of those questions, because he’s encouraging me to use my gifts in ministry (#17 below), so I’m going to go glorify God Saturday morning.

8. Talk about him in a positive light to others. Do not slander him at all, even if what you are saying is true.

We Never. Never. Never speak negatively about each other to other people. We may tease and kid sometimes, but never in a way that might hurt each other’s feelings or betray our confidence in the other.

9. Do whatever you can to make him look good, to accomplish his goals. Some examples are offer to run errands for him, organize your day to be available to help him with his projects, pray for him and make good suggestions. Give him the freedom not to use your suggestion, and do not be offended if he does not follow it.

We’ve got each other’s back and do these things for each other. However, I know that I have more flexibility than some women when it comes to organizing my day to be available to help him. A woman with a full time job won’t have that same flexibility.

In our house, FirstHusband and I both do these things. I don’t see how any of these are unique to women. This is what committed, married, Christian husbands and wives should do for each other. We know it’s work and we consciously strive for it.

10. Consider his work (job, goals, hobbies, work for the Lord) as more important than your own.

Because he works full-time and I work part-time, this is easy for me. Any woman who relocates to follow her husband to a new job does this. However, I know there are women who haven taken on the role as the primary bread-winner and their husbands have adopted the role of homemaker. What about them?

11. Think of specific ways that you can help him accomplish his goals. Examples are get up early in the mornings to help him get off to work having had a good breakfast, take care in recording telephone messages for him, anticipate any needs he may have in order to attain a specific goal, and keep careful records of money spent to keep up with the budget.

For our house, these examples are meaningless. I just focus on numbers 1 and 2 on this list and treat my husband with courtesy and respect. I try to do random acts of kindness for him - every day.

12. Consider the things that you are involved in. How do they glorify your husband? Ask his guidance.

So the things I’m involved in should glorify my husband and I should ask him for guidance to stay on track with that? I’m not sure what Mrs. Peace means. I shouldn’t be involved in activities my husband doesn’t support? This is an easy one for me because FirstHusband is very supportive and there’s not much he has asked me not to do. Oh! He asked me not to dye my hair red, so I won’t.

Neither one of us take on commitments which impact our daily family life without discussing it first. We have family “policies” we’ve adopted over the years to help us make decisions quicker. Like, each kid can only be involved in two extra curricular activities at any one time. We don’t make commitments which have us out of the house on school nights. I work as a consultant, but my husband isn’t involved in my daily business dealings. He doesn’t want to be. We talk about our work challenges and successes, and we offer each other advice and encouragement, but we don’t get involved in each other’s work much more than that.

13. Be warm and gracious to his family and friends. Make your commitment to him obvious to them.
14. Do and say things that build him up instead of tear him down.

Again with the good, solid ideas. But again, not unique to women. It’s just what people who love each other should do.

15. Dress and apply your makeup in an attractive manner that is pleasing to your husband.

This is a tough one for some women. I admit, when my kids were little (babies and toddlers) it was more difficult to fit in self care. I did smell like curdled milk sometimes, but I often couldn’t fit in a shower until FirstHusband was home to take over kid care. Since I turned 40, I’ve been changing some things. Maybe I’ll post about it someday.

16. When your husband sins, reprove him privately and gently, always giving him hope and pointing him to the Lord.
17. Encourage him to use his spiritual gifts in ministry.

FirstHusband and I do both of these for each other. We have a conflict resolution model that we learned when we were dating and we’ve been using it for 18 years. We’ve both memorized the steps and are actually very good at fitting a conflict into the model very quickly. It’s just something we do instead of fight or yell at each other.

We also encourage each other in ministry - as it fits with our goals for our family. When his schedule permits, he volunteers with a mentorship program. We’ve taught Sunday School together. I’m a vocalist, but because of our commitment to be home on school nights, I don’t sing in the choir or with the worship team. Rather, I perform solos. I can rehearse in the car, on my own time - not during family time. I also spoke and lead music at a few retreats, but quickly realized I didn’t want to be away from my family for weekends, as retreat leadership would require. It just doesn’t fit with our family priorities right now.

18. Realize that just as God is glorified when man obeys Him, your husband is glorified when you obey your husband.

Glorified? Still creeped out. Honored? Perfect.

Obey? It’s easy to “obey” someone when they put my needs before their own. I’m blessed that FirstHusband does that for me. He has never authoritatively “ordered” me to do anything. In our relationship, we don’t “defy” each other’s wishes. We respect and support each other’s preferences, goals, ideas . . . you get the idea.

All in all, an interesting list. However, NO scripture to support the items on the list.

Moving on again, Mrs. Peace is discussing the effects of the fall of man, one of which is “a power struggle between the man and his wife.” She quotes scripture again, but adds her own parenthetical comment:

“Yet your desire (to control or overtake) shall be for your husband, And he shall rule (to have power) over you.

Genesis 3:16, emphasis and
parenthetical comment added”

So first she leaves something out of quoted scripture and makes no mention of it. Now she’s adding to scripture and, while telling us that she’s doing so, she doesn’t tell us why. I want to know why. I’ve always read that scripture in a very straightforward way. “Your desire shall be for your husband . . . ” Why is she saying that desire means “to control or overtake?” She doesn’t say. I read that section again. She doesn’t say. I read Chapter Six again. She doesn’t say. I have to hunt for it, so it’s back to www.blueletterbible.com for the meaning of the word “desire.” The Biblical Usage is referenced as:

1) desire, longing, craving

a) of man for woman
b) of woman for man
c) of beast to devour

Of beast to devour? Okay, then. Never heard this verse interpreted this way. The Greek word for desire is “tĕshuwqah” with the root meaning “shuwq” meaning “overflow.”

Again, I’m dense, so I Google “shuwq” and come up with this: “From shuwq; a street (as run over)“

Not getting any better. So I search for commentary. Wow. I get it. All the commentaries I read pretty much said the same thing, but here’s the bottom line: This same word for desire is used in Genesis 4:7 - the desire of sin to master over Cain.

Okay, Mrs. Peace. NOW I understand why you added your parenthetical comment to Genesis 3:16.

Then she gets back to the obey and submit stuff. When I saw the diagram with the crown and the little church on page 54, I waited for felt to fall out of the book. Okay. That was mean. I know. But she could have saved me a LOT of time by providing a reference for her parenthetical comment about Genesis 3:16 and its relationship to Genesis 4:7. Mrs. Peace is making it difficult for me to understand her book without searching out additional resources. Leslie went in search also and discovered Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. Check her post to her recommended reading of this great resource.

THAT was long. If you’re still with me . . . THANKS! And . . . if you did make it all the way here - and you haven’t clicked away, thinking “what a heathen!” - I would love to know your thoughts!

(Chapter Six is not the first, but rather the most recent pause I’ve taken while reading this book. I’m not sure if I’ll work backwards from here and explain - simply because it’s almost summer and I will have children standing between me and a complete thought for 2 1/2 months. We’ll see.)

“Dear God, please help Mamaw understand that real freedom is about caring and sharing with your family and who you love. Please help Pappy not be sad and help him be okay that Mamaw is going away . . .

Then the sweet talking that only happens at bedtime. She is snuggled up under the covers with the stuffed animal chosen tonight, petting a cat who somehow knows she needs him right now, in a dimly lit pink room, with soft music playing. Her night light is a 2 foot Christmas angel, dressed in white, holding a candle lit by a small bulb.

“Mom?”

“Yeh, honey?”

“I love Mamaw, but is it okay if I like Pappy more?”

“Yes, sweetie. I know you love Mamaw, but you do more stuff with Pappy, so it makes sense that you like to spend time with him more. He does lots of fun things with you.”

“I know you’re supposed to love everyone in your family, and I really do, it’s just that Pappy really understands my imagination and he’s the best drawer ever! He can draw anything! He even helps me draw hard stuff.”

“I know. I love Pappy’s drawings too.”

“Even though some of my family lives in Georgia, I still love them too. They live far away and I love them, so now Mamaw will live far away and I can still love her. But some people in my family are more fun to play with than other people. Like TeenageGirlCousin is lots of fun and CollegeBoyCousins are lots of fun to play with but that doesn’t mean that I love them more, it just means I like to play with them more, right?”

“That’s exactly true. I know you love your family and that you love Mamaw too. But I understand that some people are more fun to play with. That doesn’t mean you don’t love the people you don’t play with. I know you love your Mamaw, but I also see how much fun you have with Pappy, and he really does understand your imagination. You’re right.”

Thinking. Petting the cat.

I kiss her soft, sweet smelling cheek , say goodnight and go into the office right next to her room to wait on her to fall asleep. Minutes pass.

“Mom?”

“Yeh, honey?”

“Just checking.”

“Okay. Goodnight honey. Love you.” (yes, sweetie, I’m still here)

“Love you too.”

We told PinkGirl today.

My parents were coming over to borrow FirstHusband’s truck. My dad was helping my mom by picking up a bed given to her by a friend and they needed the truck. So we knew PinkGirl would be seeing her grandmother. We knew that my mom would be leaving in 8 days and we knew we couldn’t put it off any longer.

FirstHusband and I sat down on the floor of the family room with our coffee and asked PinkGirl to come sit with us. We wanted to talk to her.

“Why?”

“Because we want to talk to you about something.”

“What?”

“Well, if you come and sit down, we’ll tell you, silly.”

She sits, looking at us suspiciously.

“You’re not in trouble, don’t worry.”

“oh.” Grin. Giggle.

Now this is all meshed together, so realize I’m pulling things from my memory and they may not be (probably won’t be) in order. And some of the conversation is missing.

“Mamaw (pause) is very unhappy (pause) and she has been unhappy for a long time, she’s just been pretending she was happy. She has decided (pause) that she doesn’t want to be married to Pappy anymore (pause) and that she wants to live in her own house. (pause) Her new house is in another state.”

Silence. Eyes watering. Now she’s in my lap. Arms around my neck, face in my shoulder.

“Why?” (oh. How I have been DREADING this question.)

(pause) then almost simultaneously, FirstHusband and I say, “We don’t know.”

“Why can’t she just stay married to Pappy? Why can’t she just tell the marriage people, ‘Yes, we’re happy?’ When the marriage people ask them, ‘Are you happy?’ they could just say ‘Yes, we’re happy.’ and then they could still be married. They could still live together.”

“Sweetie, (pause) Mamaw and Pappy are already divorced.”

Head buried in my shoulder. “I don’t want a grandmother anymore.”

“oh, honey, why not?”

“Not if she’s not married to Pappy.”

“Sweetie. She’s still your grandmother, even if she and Pappy aren’t married anymore.”

“But why does she have to move away? Does she not want to be with us anymore?”

(Second and third most dreaded questions.)

FirstHusband and I both, first talking over top of each other and then taking turns: “No, honey, this has nothing to to with us . . .” (and all the other stuff you say to kids when you want to assure them that divorce has nothing to do with them.)

“But why does she have to move away?”

I take this one, “We don’t know honey. (pause) What reasons can you think of?”

“Well, maybe she doesn’t want to live in Florida anymore.”

“That could be one reason.”

“Maybe she wants to live where it snows.” (PinkGirl saw snow for the first time in March.)

“Maybe. That could be another reason.”

Then.

“Maybe she just wants freedom.”

“Freedom? What do you mean by ‘freedom’?”

“Like, freedom to live by herself. In her own house. And not share it with anybody.”

We’re speechless.

“PinkGirl, that is VERY smart.”

Then, silence. Thinking.

FirstHusband says, “PinkGirl, we need you to know that Mom and Dad will NEVER get divorced.”

“But what if you . . . “

“Nope. Never. You know who my best friend is?”

PinkGirl points at me.

“Yep. Mom is my BEST friend.”

“And Daddy is MY best friend.” I add.

FirstHusband continues. “When you are thirty and have finished college and YOU get married . . .”

“Da ad!”

“. . . you need to make sure you are marrying your BEST friend. And you need to date for a long time so you know how he handles things when you disagree with him. Marriage isn’t like Sleeping Beauty, where you are singing and dancing in the forest with a Prince. Marriage isn’t always exciting. You need to make sure you want to be married to him even during the boring times and during the hard times. You need to date a long time and make sure you marry your best friend. “

I jump in, “And most of all, after you get married you have to work really hard at being married. People who get divorced start having trouble being married a LONG time before they actually get divorced. Mom and Dad make sure that we fix the tiny problems when they first happen, so that the problems don’t last and last or get bigger and bigger. If you make sure you work out little problems when they happen, you can stay best friends. (pause) Do you know what Daddy told me once? He said that every day, he asks himself a question. He . . . Daddy, you tell her.”

FirstHusband says, “Every day, I ask myself, ‘What can I do to make Mommy’s life easier or better today?’”

I pop back in, “Daddy does nice things for me all the time. It’s one way he shows me he loves me. I try to do nice things for Daddy too.”

Silence again. Thinking.

“Maybe Mamaw doesn’t know that real freedom is sharing.”

We are speechless. Again.

Then I say, “PinkGirl? You just figured out something really important about life.”

Small Grin. Silence. More Thinking.

“Can I ask Mrs. FirstGradeTeacher to pray for Mamaw? To pray that she will understand that real freedom is sharing?”

“Remember when we talked to Mrs. FirstGradeTeacher last week for our conference? Well, we told her that this was going to happen and you know what she’s been doing? She’s been praying for you.”

Grin. Then recognition.

“You knew already? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, I knew you would be sad, so I didn’t want you to be sad for a long time between finding out and Mamaw moving, so I decided to tell you later, so you wouldn’t be sad for so long.”

“When is Mamaw moving away?”

“A week from tomorrow, honey.”

Tears again. “Why didn’t you tell me THEN? Now I have to be sad for a whole week!”

(Do I know my daughter or what?)

Snuggle hugs, and then I say, “PinkGirl, Mamaw and Pappy will be here in a little while, are you okay with that?”

Thinking. Then, “Well, just act normal. I don’t want to cry in front of her, so act like you told me, but that I’m not freaking out.”

“So you don’t want to talk about it with Mamaw?”

“No. If I talk about it, I’ll cry.”

Then Daddy says, “Hey, there’s something not fair here.”

PinkGirl looks confused.

But, I get it. “Mommy has been getting all the snuggles.”

PinkGirl climbs into Daddy’s lap for a huge hug.

Strategically, I ask, “Hey, would you like to invite someone over to play today?”

“YEAH!”

PinkGirl spent the rest of the afternoon playing with two friends - sisters. Happy. She went to bed without “tummy worries” as she sometimes calls it when she is upset over something.

There’s still the farewell to go through. But today? She’s doing okay.

Me? I can’t stop thinking about this.

I am a champion.

I took the kids to the dentist yesterday. A pediatric dentist. Let me give you a little background. When we first took PinkGirl to the dentist, it didn’t go well. I couldn’t fit into the tiny room to be with her and, while SHE was perfectly silent, the hygienist repeatedly said, “sit still” and “open your mouth” with all the compassion and verbal expression of a rock. I couldn’t see anything and I didn’t know what was going on other than the fact that she wasn’t being still enough and that her mouth wasn’t open wide enough.

When she was done, PinkGirl came out into the waiting room, buried her face in my hip and cried silently. We never went back.

I found a pediatric dentist and, while the first visit was difficult because she had to overcome her fear, she left smiling, with a sticker, a colorful pencil, a balloon, a pink toothbrush and a bag of other dental “prizes.” We’ve been going to the pediatric dentist for a few years now. The chairs are set up in one big room, parallel to each other and there is a long bench along the wall, at the foot of the chairs, for parents to sit. So I can sit right there, in front of my kids while they have their teeth cleaned.

Yesterday, 7 year old PinkGirl bopped right in and sat down in the chair, smiling. She’s not afraid of the dentist. The hygienist approached her and, speaking very sweetly, said she needed to take pictures of her teeth. This would be the first time. They tried to do it last time, but the film physically wouldn’t fit into PinkGirl’s mouth. She whispered to me, “Is it going to hurt?” I said, “It doesn’t hurt, it’s just not very comfortable to hold the the film in your mouth.” The hygienist took her time, chatting with the other hygienists along the way, but finally, the xrays were done. I saw PinkGirl’s shoulders drop with relief that it was over. Then the hygienist said, “See? Wasn’t that EASY?”

That’s not a real question. That’s called a “counterfeit question.” What possible response was PinkGirl going to give? There was no wiggle room. Although devoid of enthusiasm, she gave the expected answer: “yes.”

Tangent. I HATE that. I HATE it when someone asks a child that question when the child has clearly just overcome a challenge. It devalues both their effort and their fear. I especially hate to hear it in swim class, when a child has FINALLY done something they’ve been working on for a while. okay. I’m done. for now.

PinkGirl comes straight to me for a hug. I know that was hard. That’s a tiny mouth for that big piece of hard cardboard. I said, “That was so brave! I know that was difficult, but you did a really good job! I’m so proud of you!” I get eye contact and another hug. She knows I know.

The hygienist starts cleaning PinkGirl’s teeth and after only a few minutes I see it. Her toes are pointing straight up, her heels are pressed down, her legs are stiff as a board, her hands are clenched, she’s breathing fast and her eyes are WIDE open. The hygienist casually asks, “You doing okay?” to which PinkGirl respectfully replies, “mmm hmmm.” The hygienist continues for about another 30 seconds and I get up, walk around to her, lean in and say, “PinkGirl will never tell you she’s uncomfortable. She will always agree with you that she’s okay.” The hygienist says okay and I wonder if she gets it.

Clearly. She does not.

I say, “I think we need a break.”

“Why?“

“PinkGirl seems a little stressed.”

Then. Head back, eyebrows in a frown. Defensive posture.

“So what do you want me to do about it? SHE says she’s fine.”

I say, “OH NO YOU DI ENT!” (to myself)

In real life, I say, “You’re going to have to trust me on this. She needs a break.”

So hygienist gets up in a huff (I really think she huffed) and walks over to the central desk to pretend she wasn’t talking about me to the other hygienists. (She stunk at it.)

The dentist comes, examines PinkGirl and they laugh. PinkGirl is happy. Relaxed. Unafraid. Then the hygienist comes back and with a “tude” in her voice, asks, “So do you want me to finish her cleaning?”

While PinkGirl pleads “no” and clings to me, I peel her off, gently set her in the chair and say, “I think we should talk a minute first.” The hygienist is standing there, hands on her hips. I’m thinking she’s slightly defensive.

I say, “It seems like you’re a little defensive. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I’d like to explain what happened, if you’ll give me another chance.” (I cannot write what I was saying “to myself,” but trust me when I tell you it wasn’t anything close to this appropriate, textbook approach. I taught college level communication for 7 years, and when I’m not upset, I can apply communication theory to real life situations fairly well. When I’m not upset. Keep in mind, I had a few minutes to cool down and rehearse while the dentist examined PinkGirl.)

The hygienist’s shoulders drop the defensive posture and she says okay.

I go straight for the step 4 of my conflict resolution model (one day I’ll post it) - state the undisputed facts:

“Her toes were pointing straight up, her heels were pressed down, her legs were stiff as a board, her hands were clenched, she was breathing fast and her eyes were WIDE open. She was showing physical signs of stress. When we first came to Dr. KidDentist, PinkGirl was very afraid, but you guys turned that around. Every visit here has been positive. Until today. We can’t go backwards now.”

Without any “tude” she asks, “What do you want me to do differently?”

“I’m not sure. I haven’t paid close attention in the past because PinkGirl never had any problem. I don’t what might be different today.” (thinking to myself - “I don’t know what you are doing wrong.”)

“Would you like me to get another hygienist to finish the cleaning?”

“Can you tell from her record, who might have done her cleanings in the past?”

“Sure.“

Long story short. Another hygienist finished the cleaning.

PinkGirl’s feet were limp the entire time.

And she’s confident that her mom championed her. I think she’ll remember. Especially when she’s a mom herself.

FirstHusband is an engineer and FavoriteSon has probably seen every “Mythbuster” episode ever made. They both do what I call “scary math” while listening to music in headphones, they heckle the Mythbuster experiments, while secretly envying Jamie and Adam and they sometimes explain things to me in such a way that my only possible response is to nod affirmatively and raise my eyebrows in rapt interest and amazzzzzzzzz . . . oh. sorry.

I found this on youtube and knew they would appreciate the humor. So, this is dedicated to my two FavoriteNerds and our two black cats, Boo and Bob (sister and brother).

We’re going to have to tell her.

Soon.

We’re going to have to tell my sweet 7 year old something that will cause her to grieve. It will prompt a sadness in her that I won’t be able drive away with hugs or snuggles. I won’t be able to distract her, to make it better or fix it. It’s a loss she won’t understand. It’s a loss I don’t understand. It just is.

Thank you to Jenn at Mommy Needs Coffee for sharing this amazing post from Breed ‘Em and Weep. It was only after I selected these paragraphs to highlight that I realized Jenn had chosen some of the same words to quote:

Tomorrow we will tell the girls about a difficult loss. It is a peculiar thing to sit on the edge of your child’s bed, watching her sleep, knowing that tomorrow you will say something that will stop her heart briefly and force her through a door she would not have chosen herself. Children do not take kindly to loss, and why should they? As adults we can barely stand it, barely have the ability to comprehend the who-was-who-now-isn’t, the what-was-that-now-is-lost . . .

. . . I rock some more. I think: Loss is loss; there is rarely recovery. Recovery is a myth; change is what comes after a loss, not recovery. There is merely change . . .

. . . I would stand between them and the losses of the world if I could. This is why I cry. Because I am clever; I know well how to create secret compartments and tuck away unpleasantries as needed. It has not served me well over time, not really, but I have a talent for it.

My parent’s divorce is final as of today. My father will continue to live in the home they shared for the last 30 years, twenty minutes away. My mother is retiring and moving to a new home, which is a two day drive from us. She will be leaving on May 11th. Yes. That is Mother’s Day.

11 days from today.

FavoriteSon already knows. But, we are going to have to tell PinkGirl.

soon.

This is my freakish “junk drawer.” You know the drawer. At my house, it’s in the kitchen. It used to be a mess. The place you put something when you don’t know where it goes. So full of stuff it sometimes gets jammed because something is sticking up inside.

Today it looks like this: (click to see a larger and more detailed image.)

But the BEST part is that it has looked this good for YEARS. Seriously. YEARS. How? By applying the Underwear Principle and answering the question “Where Does it Go?”

The drawer went through more than a few changes before it finally ended up in this particular configuration. The key to its long term organization was to pay attention to what happened inside the drawer after I organized it the first time. One glance and I could tell what was and was not working for my family. What were they stuffing in there? Was it consistent enough to make a “home” for it in this drawer? For all the things currently stored in that drawer today, the answer was yes. For all the other stuff they were tossing in there? I found a “home” for it someplace else. (like receipts, cough drops, business cards, cell phone chargers . . . you name it. It all has to have a home or it will end up in the junk drawer. Or worse. On my kitchen counter.)

In case you can’t tell what’s in here, let me give you a little tour. In the top back left, we store extra tape and staples. Along the back, from left to right, we keep lip balm, rubber bands, safety pins and paper clips. Back to the left, in the white rectangular bin we keep tools (screwdrivers, a little hammer, usually an emery board and often a Tide pen). Next, in the tan rectangular bin we keep highlighters and a staple remover. In the large black drawer organizer, we have pencils and markers (I love my Sharpies). Below that are pens and mechanical pencils, separated by a small plastic bin holding pencil lead. Below that, in the bottom left corner, it’s pretty easy to see what’s there: Tape dispenser, stapler, sorted change and calculator. Then over to the right, we have colored ink pens, a stamp dispenser and extra stamps, and in the front, we have scissors and hole punch. You can probably see the rulers we tuck along the right side of the drawer.

Notice that everything is in containers and none of the containers are round. I hate round containers. They waste space.

I know.

I’m a freak.

But it Works For Me. Thanks Shannon, for hosting Works for Me Wednesdays!

I’m disappointed. She’s embarrassed. But at least she apologized. I still had to talk to my 7 year old about it.

I began the conversation by telling PinkGirl that “Miley let a photographer take a picture of her holding a blanket in front of her - but she wasn’t wearing a shirt.”

PinkGirl’s response?

“Why?”

Can’t answer that one. But we talked about the possibilities.

Miley issued a statement apologizing to her fans, but what’s done is done.

I’m just as uncomfortable with the photos Bill Reilly talks about. There’s no “art” to “misinterpret” (Annie Leibovitz’s response). These are a glimpse into her personal life. Her personal, private life. In this age of cell phone cameras and digital photography, personal privacy is much more difficult to maintain and demands the highest level of discretion.

PinkGirl and I have a LOT more talking to do.

How do you enter to win one of the book sets below? Leave a link!

What’s the “Link Topic” this month? Link to one of your favorite “funny” posts. A post that makes you laugh, giggle, or grin!

I’m taking this opportunity to introduce my previously private, previously blogger - now public, now wordpress.com - FAMILY blog . . . Pragmatic Commotion with a post entitled:

“reading and manufunctioning“

Your Turn! Click on Mr. Linky below and point us to your post!

I’ll close comments Saturday evening, May 31st and use a random number generator to pick a winner!

The giveaway for May is a “commenter’s choice” book giveaway. The winner can choose from the following book sets:

Set #1:
South Beach Diet
South Beach Diet Good Fats/Good Carbs Guide

Set #2:
Chocolate for a Woman’s Soul
Chocolate for a Mother’s Heart

Set #3:
365 TV-Free Activities You Can Do With Your Child (1991 edition)
365 Outdoor Activities You Can Do With Your Child (1993 edition)

Check out the list of previous winners and the books they won!

We went to EPCOT yesterday for the 2008 Flower and Garden Festival. It was BEAUTIFUL, but, I must admit, a little disappointing. There just wasn’t as much diversity of color as in past years. We went in June of 2006 and (although I didn’t take lots of pictures), I remember it being much more elaborate. I really loved these in 2006 (made entirely out of flowers):

We REALLY missed the “Hidden Mickeys” too! When we’ve gone before, there have been Mickey heads hidden in the flowers and it’s always fun to find them. (The guide book gave hints.) We were very disappointed that they didn’t do that this year.

All in all, we had a very nice family day. Check out these PHOTOS from yesterday’s visit!

Want an EPCOT “little known fact” from the Mickey Freaks? If you are leaving EPCOT after dark, look for the sparkling lights! We always walk on the RIGHT side of Spaceship Earth and the walkway is covered with squares that light up and sparkle like stars. My daughter loves to run and jump on them as they move around. They look even better without the flash from the camera! Click on the image to see it better. (I’m not sure if they are on the left side too.)