I think I’ve decided to walk my 5 miles today.

What does this little guy inspire YOU to do?
Be a good steward of the body God has blessed you with today!!

Source: Uploaded by user via Julie on Pinterest

desensitized.

I’m not one to avoid conflict. I’ve found that, much too often, constant unanimous agreement results in substandard ideas and dispassionate forward motion.

Confrontation doesn’t scare me. I don’t avoid conflict because I’m afraid of the person I need to confront or the possible repercussions of the confrontation.

That said, there are some situations in which I choose NOT to confront someone when a conflict develops. I wrote a post earlier this week entitled “Dear PinkGirl, don’t copy me.” where I confessed to being a hypocrite because I was coaching and expecting my daughter to stand up to a passive-aggressive person in her life and I was hit with the realization that I wasn’t standing up to a passive-aggressive person in my own life. It was one of those rare occasions where I recognized the contradiction between my words and actions before she did.

In my particular situation, someone in authority over me doesn’t want there to be a confrontation and I’m committed to respecting their wishes. But PinkGirl didn’t know that.

This left me with some splainin’ to do to my daughter. (CLICK HERE to read how that conversation went.)

But this entire situation has me thinking I should explain why confrontation doesn’t make me uncomfortable.

It’s not because I’m strong, though I admit I’ve been called a “strong-willed woman” more than a few times. It’s not because I have a degree in communication and have a conflict resolution model memorized and ready to mentally fill in at any time, although I do (have it memorized and am ready to use it).

It’s because I’m desensitized.

When you spend decades bombarded with emotional outbursts, ultimatums, silent treatments and guilt trips, you adapt and create a new normal. It’s required.

Because if you don’t, no matter how hard or long you climb up, you will live a roller-coaster emotional life with every drop controlled by someone else. This new normal is stable and steady and no matter who’s controlling the coaster, you remain unaffected. It’s like standing on that little walkway that runs along side the coaster – the one reserved for the people who take care of it, instead of on the tracks. You can walk along side, at your own pace, with no need to move out of the way. The coaster can come barreling along, full speed and no matter what’s propelling it – guilt, the silent treatment, tears, anger – you are off to the side, watching, protected because you aren’t in its path.

Guilt trips do not move me to action because, from my experience, when someone is attempting to make me feel guilty, they are, in reality, trying to manipulate me. I’ve had enough manipulation. I. am. unmoved.

Not because I’m strong. Or smart. Or pragmatic.

Because I’m desensitized.

The silent treatment will backfire when used on me. I’m immune. It’s like a free pass to ignore the person who refuses to speak to me. If I ask someone what’s wrong and they say “nothing,” I will take them at their word, no matter how much they continue to mope and pout.

Tears do not move me to give in. Tears do not move me to change my mind, do something that goes against the core of what I believe, or lie to someone to help them rationalize the truth and/or avoid the consequences of their choices. In the past, tears have moved me to do all of these things.

Not anymore.

When someone cries in front of me, especially someone with whom I’m involved a work relationship, I see two possibilities: (1) they are upset and they need a few minutes to compose themselves. (2) they are trying manipulate me (consciously or subconsciously) and get their way by eliciting sympathy from me.

Either way, my standard response is to sincerely tell the person who is crying that I’m sorry they are upset and give them a few minutes to compose themselves. And I really am sorry that they are upset, I just don’t believe I’m responsible for making them happy by doing what they want.

(This is only when someone wants something from me, I’m not saying that I’ve never done something I need to apologize for, because I have no problem apologizing when I’m wrong. The “splainin’ I did to PinkGirl about this included an “I was wrong and I’m sorry.” again, CLICK HERE to read how that went.)

Anger does not move me. When someone displays what appears to be an uncontrollable outburst of anger, spewing acrimonious language and accusations and sometimes even profanity?

I see them as weak. Unreasonable.

To be honest, when I’m blindsided by a verbal attack from someone I respect, my initial, internal reaction is to be defensive. I’m human. I want to “right back atcha.” But it’s fleeting. It’s a flash of adrenaline and then I let it go. Because I absolutely refuse to emulate the person who taught me that uncontrolled displays of anger are a sign of weakness. A tantrum is an irrational waste of time and counter-productive to ANY goal or healthy relationship. When my children had a tantrum, I usually had one of two things to say. Picture it:

In Walmart. Somebody wants something I’ve said they can’t have. The tantrum begins. People walking by. Staring. Sympathetic looks. Disapproving, “can’t you shut that kid up” looks. Me, leaning on the cart, elbow on the handle, chin in my hands. Waiting patiently. After a few moments, during a break in the screaming while the tantrum thrower takes a breath, I ask, “Are you done yet?” or “Is this working for you? Cause it’s not really working for me.” Sometimes, after asking “Are you done yet?” the kiddo would wail, “NOOoooooo!”

Okay then. (Just to confirm – the tantrum did not move me to buy anything.)

Because I see uncontrolled outbursts of anger as a sign of weakness, I’m able to give tantrum throwers grace. I usually don’t take it personally. When someone has an explosive outburst, I figure I’m the least of their problems. If I’m dealing with a child, I’ve got some serious character building opportunities and I usually take advantage of them if I can.

If I’m dealing with an adult, I tend to feel sorry for them. Any adult who handles a problem by throwing a tantrum probably isn’t throwing one for the first time. Somewhere along the line, it’s worked for them before and they’ve developed a pattern of behavior. Just like me. It’s just that our patterns of behavior are on opposite sides of the emotional scale.

There are a few adults in my life from whom I’ve come to expect such an attack. Those attacks are easy to deflect. Since I expect them, I’m prepped and ready.

You can probably guess that I don’t respect any of these behaviors and I can’t stomach any of them in myself. I don’t use guilt as a negotiation tool. I don’t cry or mope in front of someone who has the power to change my circumstance. I don’t gossip to garner support for my cause instead of talking directly to the people who have the authority to make decisions. I don’t scream or curse at people, no matter what they do.

But, as I explained in my post earlier this week, entitled “taut [tawt] adjective: emotionally or mentally strained or tense” it’s not because I stifle the emotions that lead to these behaviors. It’s just that, on an emotional scale of 1 to 10, I normally operate at about a 1 or a 2. I’m standing on the walkway next to the emotional roller coaster.

I’m desensitized.

I’m 47. This “lowered emotional state” is deeply rooted in my personality. Not many people get this about me without feeling sorry for me. Like I’m missing something or need to be “cured.” But keep in mind, it’s not that I’m incapable of emotion, just that I usually don’t let things get to me. I don’t want to be “cured.” I’m not missing anything. I’ve already had more than my fair share of high emotion already.

I like the calmness.

long overdue fitness update: 1/26/12

It’s been a while since I updated my fitness log. Tomorrow marks EIGHT weeks since my partial MCL tear and ACL strain! Recommended healing for my injury was 6 to 8 weeks!

YEAH! I’m HEALED! (yes. this is how I think)

First day back to the incline treadmill walking (at an incline of 4 and a speed of 3 mph). I think I’ll take it slow and only walk a mile or two. Unless I decide to walk 5 miles a day till the end of the month to get to an average of a mile a day for the entire month. (yes. this is how I think.)

On another note, I was doing my two minute forearm plank a few weeks ago and FirstHusband said, “Ya know, I’m kind of surprised you’re still satisfied with a two minute plank. That’s not like you.”

seriously? He had to plant that thought in my freakishly self-competitive head?

So, I’m up to two minutes, ten seconds. The new goal is to be able to do a three minute plank by the end of the year.

stupid husband.

identity crisis. part 1.

Eleven year old PinkGirl auditioned for Beauty and the Beast this month. Of course she wanted the part of Belle. At the four hour cast call backs the week after her first audition, she sang and read for Belle. The only other character she was asked to try was Babbette, the feather duster.

She couldn’t do the walk.

In the end, she got the part of Madam. The Wardrobe.

She hadn’t been asked to sing or read for any other character, and the role of the Wardrobe wasn’t announced until just before the role of Belle, so as she heard the other parts being assigned to her fellow cast members, the process of elimination gave her false hope. When her name was called, she was completely blindsided.

The moment they were dismissed, she bolted out the door, still in her jazz shoes. She held herself together until she was about three feet from the van. Since she had run out so fast, none of her friends heard her break down crying.

I got in the van and quickly drove to an empty spot in the parking lot.

Immediately – and I mean IMMEDIATELY – she leapt to the conclusion that she wasn’t good at the one thing she thought she was really good at. The decision made by this stranger somehow represented the real truth and everyone else who had ever told her she was good was just being nice. This was a sign that she should quit. This was proof that she wasn’t as good at singing and acting as she thought she was. This was God saying no, not only to Belle, but to theater. She was just fooling herself, wasting everyone’s time and her parent’s money.

She said all these things to herself and to me through broken tears. Then she SCREAMED them again at God. At the top of her lungs, she DEMANDED to know why He was breaking her heart. She told Him that He was making her feel WORTHLESS. When she wrapped her arms around my neck sobbing and screamed “I thought you LOVED me!” at God, it wrenched me. Exhausted from the screaming, she broke down again, sobbing, telling God she was sorry. That she loved him. That she would always love him. No matter what.

This had nothing to do with being disappointed about not getting the part of Belle.

Sure, she was sad and disappointed she didn’t get the role she was going for, but that’s happened before. She played an eel in Little Mermaid – and you know she didn’t go into the audition wanting that part. She was heartbroken when she didn’t get the part of Ti Moune in Once Upon this Island – she wanted that part so bad she became the secret, silent understudy because she wanted to be ready in case the lead couldn’t perform for any reason at all. And less than a year ago, she auditioned for Annie – the role every little actress dreams about – and the part went to her best friend.

She wasn’t just sad and disappointed about not getting a part. If only it were that simple. This was a full blown identity crisis. I looked it up:

identity crisis (noun) A period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person’s sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

Here it was, two months after her 11th birthday, and she was convinced her dream of a career in theater was being taken from her. And of course, GOD was doing the taking. If she wasn’t an actress or a singer, who was she?

Sitting in the parking lot, I knew she wouldn’t be able to hear me until she had had it out with God. I didn’t stop her from screaming at Him. I didn’t reprimand her for talking to Him like that.

God can take it.

I waited. I held her. I stroked her hair. Kissed her forehead. I prayed that God would give me the words to say and that I would know the right time to say them. Suddenly, she seemed to literally run out of tears and – no surprise – she had a terrible headache. Her eyes were red and puffy and her face was pale. Her blood sugar was bottomed out and she needed to eat something. There was a Chick-Fil-A in the parking lot so I went through the drive-thru and parked again.

As we sat in the van and ate, she was quiet. Still crying, but quiet. I took a chance that she could hear me, and I decided to approach the smaller issue of Belle first, before I even tried to talk to her about her belief that it meant she wasn’t as good as she thought she was. I was hoping that if I could lessen the significance of the trigger event, the resulting blow to her self-confidence would be softened at the same time.

I told her I didn’t understand why God allowed this to happen. I said that when we face a trial, sometimes God shows us why right away, sometimes he shows us why much later and sometimes, we never get to know why.

Me: “Do you know what just happened with Aunt Wendy’s (my sister) teaching job??

PinkGirl: “no.”

Me: “You know she works at a bank 3 days a week, but about a year ago, she got hired as a college instructor to teach on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But the kind of teaching job she got wasn’t the kind where you just get hired and you keep the job until you leave or get fired. For this job, she got a contract to teach for one semester and then when that was finished, she got another contract to teach for another semester. You know what happened this semester?”

(negative head shake.)

Me: “She didn’t get a contract. They didn’t even call her to tell her they weren’t going to give her another contract. She was confused and hurt and upset and very worried about how they could pay their bills when she found out. Now she only has work 3 days a week. She couldn’t understand why God would allow this to happen. Then you know what happened?

(another negative head shake.)

Me: “CutiePie (my 1 year old nephew) got very, very sick. And Aunt Wendy didn’t have to leave him and go to work. She got to stay with him and take care of him most of the time he was sick. She posted a picture of him on facebook, sleeping after he was feeling better and you know what my comment was?

(another negative head shake.) “So thankful you didn’t have to teach today. God works in mysterious ways.”

(smile and tiny laugh)

I asked her if she was ready to talk about why God might have allowed this to happen in her life. Even though we can’t see the world from God’s point of view, what reasons could we think of from our limited perspective as humans?

PinkGirl: I think it’s a test.

Me: “What kind of test?”

PinkGirl, welling up again: “To see if I would love God no matter what.”

(From the moment she found out she was auditioning for Beauty and the Beast she had been praying and telling God she would love Him no matter what part she got and that whatever part that was, she would do her very best. Her dad and I prayed that prayer again with her the night before call backs and I prayed it again with her in the car on the way to call backs.)

Me: You may be right. Could it be another kind of test?

PinkGirl: “Like what?”

Me: “Could it be that God is helping you figure out if you really love theater as much as you say you do? Because, this will definitely happen again. More than once. You will want some other part and you won’t get it. And in some cases, you won’t even get a smaller role in the show you audition for. In some cases, you won’t get any role. You will probably NOT get the parts you want more often than you WILL get the parts you want.

(silent tears on her waffle fries)

Me: “PinkGirl, I don’t lie. You know I tell you the truth. You are good at this. And as good as you already are, you have the potential to get even better. I’ve told you before that I believe you can make a very good living in theater your entire life if you just don’t quit. I mean it. But you have to figure out if you can handle the disappointments that come with the joy. Do you love doing theater – no matter what?

(silent tears again)

Me: “What about your witness? GreatTheaterCompany isn’t a Christian organization. Some of the people there know you are a Christian. You invite your castmates to pray with you before shows. How can you be part of God’s story? Because HIS story is so much bigger and better than Beauty and the Beast. We need to start praying and asking God how He can use you to work all things for good.

(the tears stopped. I had her attention.)

Me: “Do you remember the story I told you about the Princess Tapestry?

PinkGirl, crying again: “Is this a dark thread?”

Me: “I think it’s pretty safe to say it is. Do you trust that God knows what he’s doing and that this dark thread will help make the tapestry beautiful? Even if you don’t get to see it until you see Him face to face?

(positive head shake with the tears again. I got another hug.)

(to be continued)

(this was written with PinkGirl’s permission)

Dear PinkGirl: don’t copy me.

There’s a certain person in my daughter’s life, who if she allows it, erodes her joy. I’ll call her TheBully. Without getting into detail, I’ll just say that her behavior toward PinkGirl is often passive-aggressive. Every day after school, PinkGirl tells me what TheBully did that day. And every day, PinkGirl and I talk about how she might handle her interactions with TheBully. I’ve encouraged her to include TheBully in her prayers.

I’ve asked PinkGirl to consider that there might be things in TheBully’s life that we aren’t aware of that make her unhappy and her unhappiness might be why she acts the way she does. I’ve explained that some unhappy people try to make themselves feel better by making other people unhappy too. They don’t know they’re doing it and while it really doesn’t make them feel any happier, it does make them feel less alone. I’ve called to her attention that TheBully is also unkind to other people and I’ve tried to help PinkGirl understand that she shouldn’t take it personally.

But I’ve also told PinkGirl that even if all those things are true, it doesn’t give TheBully the right to act the way she does.

It’s not okay.

PinkGirl and I talk about it at length and every day, I conclude by saying that I believe it’s possible for her to stand firm and not let TheBully control her actions. Every day, I tell PinkGirl that it’s possible to tell the truth – even truth that might hurt someone’s feelings – using gracious words. PinkGirl remains steadfastly unconvinced and consistently counters that TheBully will “tell lies” about her to “everybody.” “Everybody” will be mad at her. and she will get into big trouble with the teachers.

Every day, I tell PinkGirl that’s not true. And every day, she tell’s me I don’t understand and that I’m wrong.

The freakish optimist in me gets so exasperated with her. How can my daughter be such a pessimist?

And then I get smacked in the face with a little empathy.

There’s a certain person in my life, who, if I allow her, erodes my joy. I’ll call her Narcissa. Without getting into detail, I’ll just say that her behavior toward me is often passive-aggressive. After a few years of praying about – and relentlessly lamenting to my husband about – these interactions and countless discussions with him about why God is allowing this person in my life and what I’m supposed to do and say to her with the love of Christ, I finally . . . blocked her out. Literally and figuratively.

I’ve spent the last few months flat-lined against the messages in her body language, her wounded facial expressions and the disgruntled and sarcastic mumbling. And flat-line has been working for me.

somewhat.

Recently, the passive aggressive behavior morphed into a face to face, non-ignorable conversation. Skilled communicator that I am, I couldn’t think of one thing to say that fell in line with God’s command to speak in love. The words of the great philosopher, Thumper the bunny, kept echoing in my mind: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.”

So I stood there, speechless.

A few days later, a colleague/friend, who had witnessed the encounter, brought it up. My first response was to assure her that it was okay and to explain that, by the grace of God, I was in a place that Narcissa’s behavior didn’t bother me and that my focus was on my work.

But then my friend, a fellow Christian, said, “It’s just been weighing heavy on my heart.”

oh.

I’m not in a place where I can simply block her out. And I couldn’t ignore the fact that God has used her in other situations in my life to point out things I couldn’t or wouldn’t see. As I listened to her explain how Narcissa’s behavior was affecting her, I silently prayed that God would give me the right words to say. My initial thought was to sooth her soul, to help her accept the behavior of the person who was causing her so much heartache. Not once did I consider the possibility that the issue could be resolved. When my friend mentioned speaking with Narcissa about all this, my immediate reaction was, “ohhhhh, nooooo. That would not be a good idea.”

As she persistently brought up possibilities of addressing the problem, one by one, I shot them down: Can’t do it. Never gonna happen. There’s no situation in which that would turn out well. The fall out would be too far reaching.

The next day, alone, I thought: Who was that? I’m freakishly optimistic. I believe “can’t” is a four letter word. My mantra is “Just because I haven’t thought of an answer doesn’t mean there isn’t one. I just haven’t figured it out yet.”

What kind of power does this person have over me that I would abandon such a core characteristic? What kind of power does she have over other people? What kind of power does she have?

and what kind of example am I setting for my daughter? I had to fess up.

In the car ride home from school,

I said: “So, I had an epiphany. Do you know what that is?”

PinkGirl: “no.”

Me: “It’s a realization. I realized something today. You know how every day you tell me what TheBully did and I tell you that you need to stand firm and not let her control your actions? How you need to talk to her and tell her the truth using gracious words – even if it will hurt her feelings? And how every day, you tell me that you can’t do that because she will tell everyone lies and the teachers will get you in trouble and everyone will be mad at you …

PinkGirl: “Well not my real friends.”

Me: “True. But am I getting all this right? Am I leaving anything out?

PinkGirl: “No. That’s pretty much it.”

Me: “I realized I’m doing the same thing you are. Who’s TheBully in my life?”

PinkGirl, quick as a flash: “Narcissa.”

Me: “yep. I realized that I’m expecting you to do something I’m not willing to do myself. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for getting so frustrated with you when you refuse to try and work out your problems with TheBully.”

So. Now I either have to start coaching PinkGirl about how to physically and emotionally distance herself from TheBully or I have to refocus my efforts on preventing Narcissa’s passive-aggressive behavior from negatively impacting my thoughts and actions.

If you read my last post, I should probably steer clear of Narcissa for a while. Because right this minute, emotions are not a factor in my decision-making and communication. I could easily, objectively and thoroughly tell Narcissa the truth and be completely unaffected by ANY reaction she has.

Unfortunately, because there are other people involved who would be negatively impacted by the repercussions of an honest conversation with Narcissa, I think my best course of action is to keep praying the prayer I’ve been praying for years: “Lord, if you won’t change my circumstances, please change my attitude.” If I want to shake the Hypocrite Certificate, I think I need to teach PinkGirl that same prayer. And how to physically and emotionally duck and weave to stay out of TheBully’s line of sight.

taut [tawt] adjective: emotionally or mentally strained or tense

I’ve mentioned before that my husband and I have a marriage counselor. We spent about two years seeing her regularly, but now we only go occasionally. After my mother passed away in December, we made a few appointments. We didn’t know how my mother’s death would impact me, but we figured it would.

We were right.

At some point during our two years of therapy, our counselor explained to us that on an emotional scale of 1 to 10, I consistently live around 1 or 2. She told us that, while I was capable of moving up the scale, I couldn’t maintain a higher level for very long and would have to retreat and come back down.

In an effort to help me move my comfort zone up a little on this imaginary (and unquantifiable) scale, one of my homework assignments was to frequently stop what I was doing and ask myself the question “What am I feeling right now?” I was supposed to do this for a week. or two. I don’t remember.

My first response to that assignment? “What difference does that make? That’s completely irrelevant.”

For a few days, I answered myself with adjectives like “cold” “sleepy” and “hungry.” But I knew that wasn’t what the counselor had in mind. Since we were paying her and I’m pragmatic, I tried again.

I started coming up with words like “focused” “impatient” and “distracted.”

In the end, I don’t think the base of my emotional comfort zone actually shifted, but I believe I have become more aware of the emotions I do experience.

Never more than these past few weeks:

1. Dealing with the aftermath (estate/creditors) of my mother’s death,
2. Politely responding to all the people who assume I’m emotionally distraught (Because when I explained how I was really feeling nobody believed me and/or I just made them uncomfortable.)
3. Politely responding to the people who’ve been telling me they know “exactly” how I feel, when they are so completely off base that telling them the truth would make it glaringly obvious that they don’t know me at all.
4. The problems created by Social Security because they mistakenly reported my father’s death to Medicare and his mortgage company, among others and
5. A passive-aggressive attack by someone from whom I had previously and successfully been distancing myself.

If I were to have asked myself the “What am I feeling right now?” question, my answers would have been “Frustrated” “Exasperated” “Overwhelmed” “Angry”

I felt like a bow, being pulled tighter and tighter each day. My blood pressure went from a normal 120 over 78 to 152 over 93.

Then, three major things happened this past weekend:

1. My daughter faced a disappointment that shook her faith and is (still) shaking her self-confidence. I listened and held her as she SCREAMED at God, saying things like “WHY are you breaking my heart!?” and “I thought you LOVED me!?” and then held her some more while she broke down weeping and apologizing to God, telling him she would love him no matter what.
2. I led a new song in worship that I really, really loved. Rehearsing it literally hundreds of times through the week proved to be an extremely effective barrier against stress. When I sang it Sunday morning I was completely invested in offering it up to God as praise and worship in the middle of one of the most stressful periods of my life. I didn’t hold on to any of it for myself. After church I was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

But I had something I had to do that afternoon before I could try and rest.

3. My husband took my sisters, my father and I off shore on our boat to spread my mother’s ashes in the ocean. As ethereal as that sounds, coming face to face with the logistics of actually doing that was . . . there are no words. (Thankfully, my daughter didn’t come with us.)

By the end of the day on Sunday, the bow finally snapped.

If I had asked myself the “What am I feeling right now?” question on Sunday night, the answer would have been “nothing.” I was completely incapable of emotion. I wasn’t sad or happy, angry or peaceful, frustrated or content. I was nothing. Negative numbers on that emotional scale.

My son was having a hard time with something and he was cranky and obstinate and sarcastic and I kept saying, things like “I’m giving you grace. I’m not going to argue with you. I’m really, really sorry you are so upset and if I could change your circumstance I would. But I can’t. But I can give you grace.”

I’m slowly inching my way back up to the positive numbers on that emotional scale. It shouldn’t take too long. I don’t have far to go to get back to my normal spot.

don’t eat the marshmallow. yet.

Writing about “Don’t Eat The Marshmallow” today. LOVE these kids.

(the premise is that children who are capable of delayed gratification are more “successful” than children who can’t delay gratification. The test? Give a kid a marshmallow and tell them they can eat it – BUT if they can wait 10-15 minutes, they can have TWO marshmallows. Some kids make it. Some kids don’t. Some kids find a way to eat the INSIDE of a marshmallow and make it look like they didn’t eat it. That would be the little girl with the pink headband. The kid vs. marshmallow test video begins around the 3 minute mark.)

is this on CCLI’s top 100? It is Chris Tomlin after all.

what’s YOUR “wall?”

I know mine.

“…I am doing a great work and I cannot come down…” Nehemiah 6:3

Everything I’ve learned about Nehemiah, I learned from Andy Stanley. I’ve written before about his book “Visioneering” and the story of Nehemiah. How did I miss this? (CLICK HERE to listen to the entire message)

renewable source.

My last post was a smack-down for satan.

This post is about the “renewable source of strength from an all powerful, all knowing, ever present God” I was talking about.

Lord, please use all these circumstances for your ultimate good. Please use me. Please calm my temperament. Please fill my mind and mouth with wise and gracious words. Still the anger and arrogance in my intuitive humanness. Please help me to be a witness for you. Please help me find and stand firm on that fine line between standing strong and pushing back too far.

The refuge I find in time alone with you is all I need to renew my patience. Please help me to remember that – to step away from chaos and intentionally seek the time alone with you I so desperately need.

You are my source of strength and the foundation of my freakish optimism. Without your blessings of wisdom and courage, I could do nothing. Filled with the power of your Holy Spirit, I am equipped with everything I need to stand strong against satan’s pitiful attempts to erode my faith in you.

I am nothing without you.

AMEN.

a little smack talk for satan. yeah. I’m talking to YOU. loser.

Just took another – this time underhanded – hit from satan, so I’m thinking he deserves a little reality grounded in smack talk:

“yo. satan.

What’s the matter? Am I doing something you don’t like? Get used to it. I may be tired. and I may be stressed, but I have a renewable source of strength from an all powerful, all knowing, ever present God.

You? you got nuthin. not even an initial cap in your sorry name. I’m covered in the blood of Jesus Christ. You have no power over me. move along.”

My mother. 1942-2011. Rest in Peace.

My mother’s suffering ended on December 27, 2011. I’m so thankful that I’m confident she is with our Father in Heaven.

“We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things”
Blessings by Laura Story

the knee chronicles.

Today, an hour ago:
FirstHusband went to our doc for his annual check-up this morning.
Me: “Did you ask him about my knee?”
FirstHubs: “uh, YEAH. I said, ‘Julie wants to go back to yoga and I said she had to wait until you cleared her.’”
Doc: “no. No. (pause) NO!”
well. that’s irritating. Now FirstHubs has ammo. and an ally.

If you need catching up….

Definitions and Diagrams:
MCL – medial collateral ligament
ACL – anterior cruciate ligament

(click to enlarge)

December 1 @ 11:19am (still don’t understand how I didn’t know anything was wrong at this point)
Done: 1 HIIT mile and 1 yoga class.
But I’m still in my workout clothes…still wearing shoes. If I can just stop myself from taking off my shoes, there’s the possibility of another mile or two.

3:32pm (and so it begins)
right knee. ice. heat. ice. heat. ice. heat. anti-inflammatories. don’t know if I twisted it in yoga or stressed it jogging. I didn’t move it for an hour this afternoon and it started to stiffen up. Gotta MOVE it! FavoriteHusband…will you please fix my bike?

10:54pm
FirstHusband: “Sit down. I don’t want you walking around. You’re limping.”
Me: “I’m not limping. I’m just walking without bending my knee.”
FirstHusband: “How is that different from limping?”
Me: “It doesn’t hurt to walk if I don’t bend my knee.”
FirstHusband: “Have you ever seen Chester on Gunsmoke?”
Me: “Yeh. so?”
FirstHusband: “If you don’t sit down I’m going to start calling you Chester.”

December 11
After 8 days of rest, ice, anti-inflamatories and wearing a compression knee brace, walked three miles (wearing the knee brace).

December 12 @ 11:39am
Had the doctor look at my knee today when I took PinkGirl (her brother gave her strep). Turns out, I have a partially torn medial collateral ligament and a strained anterior cruciate ligament. Switching from Aleve to the cortisone prescription he gave me and continuing with ice and a brace. It’s MUCH better than when I hurt it 10 days ago. No problem during or after the 3 miles I walked yesterday. I just can’t fully straighten my leg or bend it all the way (strained ACL). Also can’t do fire log pose (torn MCL) or cross my right leg over my left. Yet.

1:21pm
Just picked up my prescription for my knee. Dang. That’s a LOT of cortisone. 6 pills today, 5 tomorrow, 4 on Wednesday, 3, 2, and finally 1 on Saturday. Supposedly, it will make me more susceptible to infection. and StrepThroatGirl is watching TV in my bed. On the bright side, my arthritis and psoriasis symptoms should be non-existent this week.

December 13 @ 10:37am
6 cortisone pills down, 15 more to go. My knee feels SO much better. I know that just means the inflammation is down, not that the ligaments are healed. Wearing a brace today to prevent myself from moving in a way that, while doesn’t cause pain, might be counter-productive to healing. Back to walking the last two days to keep my knee from stiffening up. So far, so good.

8:12pm
I’m going for a walk. Because I can – and because last week, I couldn’t.

9:38pm
Walked 2.5 miles. I really, really hate it when I end on a half mile.

December 14 @ 9:29pm
Made it! Walked 3 Miles with NO knee pain! PRAISE GOD!!!! HE IS SO GOOD! I have two more days of cortisone pills. If the pain and inflammation come back, I have to go for an MRI. Praying there’s been some significant healing this week and I can start strengthening my knee. Just read yesterday that torn MCL recovery can take 6 to 8 weeks!!! eek!

December 15 @ 12:37pm – next. slowly. but next.

Cycling is also part of my plan! My sweet husband pulled my bike out of the shed, removed the baby seat (I know, PinkGirl is ELEVEN), put a new seat on it for me and bought me two new tubes and tires. Thankful I’m already back to walking – with a knee brace.

December 16 @ 6:26pm
do. hard. things.
“Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:4

December 18 @ 2:41pm
Wii Fit suggests my ideal body weight is 129 pounds?! My 16 year old son weighs 134 lbs. I don’t think so.

6:22pm
Walked a 3 mile neighborhood route with FirstHusband. First day off cortisone pills. Knee still feels good. SO thankful!

blend until purple.

My daily addiction:

1 cup skim milk (90 calories)
1 cup fat free yogurt (any berry flavor) (100 calories)
2 fistfuls of frozen blueberries (1 cup = less than 85 calories)
6 frozen strawberries (about 5 calories each)
blend until purple.

An antioxidant, vitamin C loaded snack that tastes like dessert for around 300 calories!

I’ve spent decades of my life not eating fruit on a daily basis. I’ve gone weeks at a time without eating any fruit. Not because I don’t like it, because I really like most fruits. It just doesn’t occur to me to eat any. Multiple times per year, I make resolutions to eat just ONE fruit per day. Finally, I included it on my fitness log (see the sidebar to the right) to try and put myself in a situation where I have to be accountable.

I also have a problem getting enough calories, which causes my metabolism to drop. I tend to forget to eat.

Smoothies solve both problems. I’m actually consuming fruit on a daily basis for the first time in my life and making them is easy and takes less than 5 minutes, so eating doesn’t intrude on my day. It doesn’t hurt that I actually crave them now.

I stumbled upon the smoothie idea while trying to get PinkGirl to consume some sort of nourishment in the morning. Trying to get that girl to eat breakfast before school is a chore! A few friends suggested I try smoothies and since PinkGirl loves Planet Smoothie, I thought it might work. It only took about 3 or 4 months to finally hit on a recipe that I actually liked. (for ME, not her. She still wavers about what she likes. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a recipe she really likes.)

But I was having blender issues. If the Vitamix is the BMW of blenders, it seems my little Oster was the VW bug of blenders. It was either forming a little pocket of air at the bottom and doing nothing or it was spinning like crazy and only blending the bottom half of my smoothie. I had to add more and more milk to thin it out so the blender would actually blend the entire smoothie.

I put a new blender on my Christmas list.

Which really irritated me because I own an Oster Kitchen Center with nearly every possible attachment, similar to this one:

It transforms from a blender to a chopper to a slicer to a mixer to a juicer to a . . . it does everything but clean itself. We got one as a wedding present from my husband’s parents and about 10 years ago, it died and I replaced it at our church’s WHALE of a Sale. Since all Oster attachments are interchangeable with every Oster made, I even bought a newer countertop blender to switch to the chopper when I needed it:

So I was not looking forward to having a different blender on my countertop. It was going to mess up my system.

FirstHusband surprised me with an early Christmas present: An Oster Milkshake blade for my blender!

My little Oster just got tricked out!

And THIS ONE is also on its way, so we’ll see which one works better.

fighting the frump, a subliminal message, a free transmission and Chester.

Here’s a peek at my day…

11:00am
Done: 1 HIIT mile and 1 yoga class.
But I’m still in my workout clothes…still wearing shoes. If I can just stop myself from taking off my shoes, there’s the possibility of another mile or two. So…what are YOU doing to be a good steward of the body God has blessed YOU with today?

11:15am
courtesy subliminal message: m&ms taste like brussel sprouts. you don’t want m&ms. (you’re welcome)

4:00pm
Looks like my van’s getting a new transmission for Christmas. Second one this year. At least this one is free (warranty).

4:15pm
right knee. ice. heat. ice. heat. ice. heat. anti-inflammatories. don’t know if I twisted it in yoga or stressed it jogging. I didn’t move it for an hour this afternoon and it started to stiffen up. Gotta MOVE it! FavoriteHusband…will you please fix my bike?

9:00pm
I narrowed it down. It was the half bow pose in yoga today. NEVER doing that again. more ice. more heat. more anti-inflammatories. epson salt bath. aspercreme.

10:45pm
FirstHusband: “Sit down. I don’t want you walking around. You’re limping.”
Me: “I’m not limping. I’m just walking without bending my knee.”
FirstHusband: “How is that different from limping?”
Me: “It doesn’t hurt to walk if I don’t bend my knee.”
FirstHusband: “Have you ever seen Chester on Gunsmoke?”
Me: “Yeh. so?”
FirstHusband: “If you don’t sit down I’m going to start calling you Chester.”

healthy doesn’t just happen.

What I wanted to do: “Sit here curled up on the couch in front of the Christmas tree with a blanket, coffee and a book, listening to my December rehearsal CD.”

What I did instead: “Walked/Jog one HITT mile before going to BodyInUnity yoga.”

Because healthy doesn’t just happen.

I want to be a good steward of this body God has blessed me with!

And I want to be stronger in the long run, more than I want to be comfortable in the moment.

Did I mention what I wanna do?

twang /twaNG/ (noun) a sharp vibrating sound (as of a plucked string)

So, last night, at praise team rehearsal, the sound guy asked me if I remembered the complaints about my voice being “piercing.”

Me, laughing: “no….I hadn’t heard that. It seems that information was filtered from me.”

SoundGuy: “Well, when you hit a certain frequency – 3.5 kHz – your voice gets really loud and piercing. You don’t do anything different, it just happens on it’s own. I put a filter in your profile at 3.5 kHz, so it doesn’t happen anymore.”

I look at my son, who also runs sound. He confirmed, “I’ve heard it too.”

Me, to my son: “pshhh. why didn’t you ever tell me?”

My son: “Cause it’s fixed.”

(can’t fault him. he’s pragmatic too. if it’s fixed, it’s over, so what’s the point of talking about it?)

Me, suspecting: “Is there a particular song where it happens?”

SoundGuy: “Well, definitely the bridge on ‘No Sweeter Name’. . .

Me, interrupting: “I KNEW it!! That bridge does NOT feel right!”

SoundGuy, continuing: “I don’t remember what else. But it’s fixed. It doesn’t happen anymore.”

Me: “Still. This is SO cool! I’ve gotta ask my voice teacher if she’s ever heard of it. THANK YOU for fixing it! And, really, THANKS for figuring it out! (pause) How did you figure it out?”

SoundGuy: “wahh, wahh, wahh, wahh, wahh, wahh…” (something about watching a gauge while I sang and applying a filter at 3.5 kHz – seriously, there’s a reason I don’t run sound.)

Me: “I’m an anomaly!”

Skip to the next day (today). I’ve already scheduled a voice lesson. If it’s possible for me to control this phenomenon, I’ve got some work to do!

But I’m curious, so today I Google: “voice piercing 3.5 khz”

This is SO cool (emphasis added):

“Twang is the bright, brassy, ringing voice quality commonly heard in country-western singing, witch cackling, a child’s ‘‘nya, nya’’ taunt, and is equated often with duck quacking. Physiologically, twang is produced by narrowing the epilarynx via constriction of the aryepiglottic sphincter. The acoustic outcome of narrowing this laryngeal vestibule is a clustering of the third, fourth, and fifth formants resulting in a higher amplitude of all vowel spectra in the vicinity of 3.0 kHz. Perceptually, the voice is amplified with piercing intensity because this increase in energy between 2.8 and 4.3 kHz corresponds with the resonant frequency of the external auditory meatus; as a result, fundamental frequencies below 1.0 kHz receive a boost of 15–20 dB in sound transmitted to the middle ear without an increase in vocal effort by the speaker. This production has been exploited by expert speakers and singers to boost vocal resonance or ‘‘squillo’’ and is referred to as the speaker’s ring or singer’s formant.” (from A Novel Treatment for Hypophonic Voice: Twang Therapy)

I can learn to EXPLOIT this?!?! I can’t wait for my voice lesson!

conversations with myself.

(Some of you know I’m writing a book. Most recently I’ve been focused on accountability. Don’t know how much will make it through final edits, but today, this is what came out of my memory and my fingertips. Note: (1) This was many YEARS ago. (2) I do NOT really talk to myself like this. That would be crazy.)

I have a collection of coffee mugs that completely fills the kitchen cabinet I’ve designated as the “coffee mug cabinet.” So far, when I get a new mug, I’ve been successful in getting rid of an old one so the coffee mug cabinet stays full, but doesn’t overflow into another one.

I also have a collection of CHRISTMAS coffee mugs that completely fills the same cabinet.

You see my problem.

When I first started collecting coffee mugs, I didn’t pay attention to how much space they took up. I saw a coffee mug I liked and I bought it. Eventually I got to the point where all the mugs didn’t fit into the space, so I started packing up the Christmas mugs and storing them in the attic, only taking them down during the month of December.

In December, my cabinet overflowed.

Then a few years ago, I had a long overdue epiphany. When I UNpacked the Christmas mugs, I PACKED the everyday mugs in the same box and instead of putting an empty mug box back into the attic for the month of December, I put a full mug box into the attic.

There’s a lesson here. Just in time for the chaos of the Christmas season.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it until I’m dead:

You CAN have it all, you just can’t have it all AT THE SAME TIME.

Choose.

Choose on PURPOSE.

Everyone knows someone who’s schedule is overloaded. Someone who has said “yes” to too many things. Someone who tries to do so many things, they do none of them well. Someone who is a job hog. You may even BE one of those people.

I used to be one of those people, until I had a long, honest, humbling talk with myself:

FedUpMe: “What is your problem? WHY do you keep doing this?

MartyrMe: “what?”

FedUpMe: “WHY do you keep saying yes to everything?”

MartyrMe: “Well, they asked me. They NEED me.”

FedUpMe: “They need you. They need you? Are you sure you don’t need them to need you?”

MartyrMe: “Of course not! I’m doing all this out of the goodness of my heart. Because I’m a good person and I want to help.”

FedUpMe: “and you get nothing out of it.”

MartyrMe: “NO! Most of the time people don’t even appreciate all I do for them.”

FedUpMe: “Of course they don’t. Nobody appreciates a half-%&# job.”

MartyrMe: “I do NOT do a half-%&# job!!! I work my butt off! Look at my schedule! I don’t have ANY time for myself! EVERYthing I do is for other people. I don’t even have time to work out! I run on coffee!”

FedUpMe: “This is me you’re talking to.”

MartyrMe: “But…”

FedUpMe: “Save it. You’re not selling that load here. Look at everything you do. You don’t get anything out of it personally? How many of these things you’ve committed to come with lots of people telling you how great you are? How many times do you tell people about all the stuff you do so they’ll tell you how great you are? (mocking voice) ‘Oh, I just don’t know how you do it all!’”

MartyrMe: “I can’t just quit. There’s nobody else to do it.”

FedUpMe: “Are you really that arrogant?”

MartyrMe: “If I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done.”

FedUpMe: “Are you sure about that? Are you SURE that you’re not hogging a job someone else wants? A job someone is just WAITING for you to give up so they can have a shot at it? A job you really aren’t suited for? Are you afraid someone else might do it better? Because I’ll tell you now, they probably could. Because you do a half-%&# job.”

MartyrMe: “shut up. I do NOT do a half-%&# job. I’m doing my best.”

FedUpMe: “You did not just say that. (pregnant pause) What is your favorite Churchill quote?”

MartyrMe: “shutup.”

FedUpMe: “It’s not enough that we do our best; sometimes we have to do what’s required.”

silence. brooding. arrogant brooding.

MartyrMe: “I never liked you.”

FedUpMe: “There are a lot of people who don’t like me. And yet I’m still breathing.”

MartyrMe: “You’ve got issues. and you’re bossy.”

FedUpMe: “duh. I’m YOU.”

MartyrMe: “I can’t just quit. I’m already committed.”

FedUpMe: “Yeh, well, you’re gonna be committed if you don’t find some balance in your life. Look. Start by figuring out two things:

First, what’s important to you? What are your goals in life?
Second, what are you good at? What talents has God blessed you with and which ones are you actively developing?

Be brutally honest with yourself, but more importantly, ask other people for feedback and give them permission to tell you the truth. Then you’ll know what to let go of, what to keep in your life and what you need to improve on. If you want to do something and you aren’t very good at it, then GET good at it. Learn. Practice. And don’t forget. There are seasons for things. Just because you want to do something, doesn’t mean you have to do it NOW. You don’t have to do everything at the same time. You CAN’T do everything at the same time. Not well. Rotate your commitments.

Like Christmas coffee mugs.

time’s a wastin.

A family in my church lost their mom to cancer last night.

Warning: Death always makes me even more freakishly intentional about living out my faith and if you are someone in my life, I will be relentlessly encouraging you to do the same.

If you don’t want to hear it, avoid me until my human nature nicks away at my memory and motivation and I go back to a “normal” level of intentional living.

Cancer TICKS me off.

Thinking about this post today: even a princess tapestry needs dark threads.

God gave her to me on purpose.

PinkGirl spent nearly an HOUR crying last night. About E.V.E.R.Y.thing. She went from one problem to the next, never stopping, sometimes overlapping. When, between tragedies, I suggested that she might be exhausted, she said,

“Mom, sometimes I just need to exhale all my emotions.”

God gave her to me on purpose.

I’m so thankful she’s so self-aware and articulate.

During PinkGirl’s uncontrollable tearfest, one of the many, many things she was crying about:

“and technology is going to replace books!!!! (weepy hiccups) That’s why Borders closed. People are going to stop buying books and everybody’s just gonna have Kindles!!! (each syllable in the word Kindle lasted about 10 full seconds – more weeping).

Me: “Hey, now that’s not true. What did I get in the mail JUST TODAY?”

PinkGirl: “boookssss” (pause for more hiccups) “But, how did you order them?”

I feel the need to spend some time at (a brick and mortar) BAM.

#ilovemydaughter