Pragmatic Compendium

Warning: This is L O N G. You may need a nap in the middle. Or at least a snack.

Here’s two things I read this past week.

The first, in an email sent to me from FirstHusband:

A woman died and was sent to heaven. One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him. She only wanted to ask one question of him. So she asked, “Why did you create man before women?” God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, “Every good design needs a rough draft.”

(Yep. That’s FirstHusband. - Gotta love him!)

The second, in Chapter 6 (read it online here) of the book, The Excellent Wife, written by Martha Peace:

“Woman was created for the man, not man for the woman.”

Then Mrs. Peace notes 1 Corinthians 11:7-9 as support for her statement. According to her book, 1 Corinthians 11:7-9 reads like this:

“For a man is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. for man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” (emphasis added)

I looked these verses up on www.BibleGateway.com in an attempt to figure out which version of the Bible Mrs. Peace was quoting. The closest I found was from the New American Standard Version:

7 For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. 8 For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; 9 for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but (C)woman for the man’s sake.(emphasis added)

Why does she misquote scripture here?

Because quoting the beginning of verse 7 would call attention to the context? Check out verses 5 and 6:

5 But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved. 6 For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head.

The head covering verses? Seriously. The head covering verses? Verse 7 was misquoted to avoid reference to the head covering verses? Mrs. Peace is a big chicken. And I know that of which I speak. I’ve been a big chicken myself.

I’ve been following along with a study of this book, currently lead by Leslie at Lux Venit. I haven’t posted until now, because I’ve been the odd “man” out. And I’ve been chicken. FirstHusband’s email has given me courage. So did Leslie’s commentary:

“Honestly, this chapter left so much to be desired. Peace packs too much into this chapter without giving much in the way of explanation. I read this chapter four times and still finished just as frustrated the fourth time as the first. Peace offers a verse or two on which to base her statements, and that’s it. She uses the controversial 1 Corinthians 11 verses without any helpful interpretation, and verses from Ephesians that Paul himself calls “a mystery.” A woman without any prior knowledge or understanding of these verses would be very confused.”

I’m not confused. I’ve just lost some confidence in the author of this book. It’s not just Mrs. Peace. Overall, anyone (book authors included) who makes a declaration of God’s will without supporting their point with the Bible loses credibility with me. And when they misquote scripture or take it out of context in their attempt to support their point? Not working for me.

Here’s the thing. I spent years in the Baptist church, accepting and believing everything that was taught to me, without question. When I met FirstHusband (ChristianFriend at the time), he challenged me. He was ornery. He would draw me into theological discussions and take the opposing view, just to see if I knew why I believed what I believed. I don’t like losing. And I was losing those debates. A lot. (He later told me he was “testing” me and that I was the first Christian girl who didn’t slink away wondering if he was a Christian when he asked them difficult spiritual questions.)

So as a result of all these discussions, I started asking my pastor and other Christians lots of questions, reading my Bible more, reading commentaries . . . learning. Grounding my faith in Biblical wisdom instead of heresay (not heresy). Taking responsibility for my beliefs. Today, I no longer accept what others say without question. (Oprah has no power here.)

So if Mrs. Peace wants me to view her words as fact or truth instead of opinion, she needs to prove them. Convince me. Show me. In the Bible.

She’s not convincing me. Rather, she’s prompted me to double check her use of scripture.

Wary, but undeterred, I move on. I pass by the diagram showing how we are made in God’s image because it was so unbelievably simplistic, until I realize the graphic is being used to set up for the next one. Mrs. Peace is quoting a retired professor from Columbia University who compares the relationship of man, woman and God to the Holy Trinity. My first response was to be creeped out. But wait. Let me think on this one a few minutes.

I’m liking it. Very cool. Check out Professor Hatch’s breakdown for yourself:

The planner who makes the plans—God the Father.

The one who carries out the plans—God the Son.

The one who also carries out the plans as well as keeps and empowers Christians - God the Spirit.

In the Trinity, of course, there is perfect harmony. All are satisfied with their roles. There are no “power plays” or role confusion. Note how the Lord Jesus describes both His work and His role as well as that of the Holy Spirit:

“We must work the works of Him who sent Me, as long as it is day; night is coming, when no man can work.” John 9:4

Jesus therefore said, “When you lift up the Son of Man, then you will Know that I am He, and I do nothing on my own initiative, but I speak these things as the Father taught Me. And He who sent Me is with Me; He has not left Me alone, for I always do the things that are pleasing to Him.” John 8:28,29

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.” John 14:26

Also, within the Trinity, it is interesting to note who gets the glory. The Holy Spirit did not come to call attention to Himself but to Jesus.

Jesus said, “But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come. He shall glorify Me; but He shall take of Mine; and shall disclose it to you.” John 16:13-14

In addition, Jesus did not come to call attention to Himself but to the Father.

“I glorified Thee on the earth, having accomplished the work which Thou hast given Me to do.” John 17:4 (emphasis and red letter added)

Empower? I use that word all the time to describe my training philosophy. I can relate. I can also deal with the idea that I should “empower” my husband. Very cool.

Then I notice the word “helper.” That’s from the New American Standard version. It appears Professor Hack is attempting to call attention to the similarities between the word “helper” as it applies to the Holy Spirit and how it applies to the role of a wife. Is that an appropriate comparison? Going over to www.blueletterbible.com, I look up the word “helper” used here. In Greek it means “paraklētos” and I’m grinning because the part of speech for this word is “masculine noun.” And it’s being sited as a word for the role of a wife in marriage. But what does it the word mean? I also find the outline of Biblical usage for paraklētos:

1) summoned, called to one’s side, esp. called to one’s aid

a) one who pleads another’s cause before a judge, a pleader, counsel for defense, legal assistant, an advocate
b) one who pleads another’s cause with one, an intercessor

1) of Christ in his exaltation at God’s right hand, pleading with God the Father for the pardon of our sins

c) in the widest sense, a helper, succourer, aider, assistant

1) of the Holy Spirit destined to take the place of Christ with the apostles (after his ascension to the Father), to lead them to a deeper knowledge of the gospel truth, and give them divine strength needed to enable them to undergo trials and persecutions on behalf of the divine kingdom

okay. I’m dense. I’m still not clear on how this applies to the role of wives in marriage. I go straight for the Greek definition: “comforter, advocate.”

Okay Prof Hatch. I can be that for my husband. I try to be that for him already. And even though I’m saying that on the internet right now, I really don’t need to take any credit for it either. Is that what you’re saying? I’m okay with that.

I move on again, because even though I’m not down with Mrs. Peace at the moment, I’m not ready to stop reading her book yet and I am gaining new perspective. I am however, very aware that it’s Professor Hatch who led me to that new perspective, not Mrs. Peace. He made a statement and backed it up - with the Bible.

After the last quote by Professor Hatch (shown above) - in both the printed book and in the online text of this Chapter, Mrs. Peace doesn’t clearly indicate that she has stopped quoting Prof Hatch and has gone back to her own thoughts again. It’s always confusing when a writer does that, but in this case, I figure it out immediately because of what she writes:

So, Just as Christ glorified the Father by doing the Father’s “work,” you are to glorify your husband by doing the husband’s “work”. Your role is to glorify your husband. You were created for him.

And now I’m creeped out again. It’s the word “glorify.” Not EVER a word I have considered when thinking about what I do for my husband. Back to www.blueletterbible.com (I love this site!). Glorify, in greek it’s doxazō and the Biblical usage is:

1) to think, suppose, be of opinion
2) to praise, extol, magnify, celebrate
3) to honour, do honour to, hold in honour
4) to make glorious, adorn with lustre, clothe with splendour

a) to impart glory to something, render it excellent
b) to make renowned, render illustrious

1) to cause the dignity and worth of some person or thing to become manifest and acknowledged

Okay, some of it I get (although if I tried to “clothe” FirstHusband “with spendour” I don’t think it would go very well. Something like bathing a cat.)

But still. The word “glorify” creeps me out. I’ll stick with the word “honor” (#3 above) if that’s okay with you.

I’m also confused about what Mrs. Peace means when she says I’m supposed to be doing my husband’s “work.” Why does she put quotes around the word “work?” Jumping over to page 55 of the book (towards the bottom of the page in the online text), I see the “Eighteen Ways a Wife May be the Glory of Her Husband.”

okay. Let’s take them one by one.

1. Ask your husband, “What are your goals for the week?”
2. Ask your husband, “How can I help you to accomplish these goals?”
3. Ask your husband, “Is there anything that I can do differently that would make it easier for you?”

I’m good with all three of these, given my freakish organizational nature and textbook communication skills. I don’t think a weekend goes by where FirstHusband and I don’t talk about what’s going on during the upcoming week. So, these are great ideas. Not Biblical directives but good, solid ideas to strengthen a relationship and make a household run more smoothly. For a week, at least.

4. Be organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking. As you fulfill your God-given responsibilities, your husband is then free to do his work.

My “God-given responsibilities” are to be “organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking?” So the fact that my husband and I share these tasks means what? I’m outside of God’s will? What does it say about my husband? What does the Bible say about the yardwork? In our house, we’ve figured out a division of responsibilities that works for us. If I were to do all the household chores by myself, FirstHusband would come home to me sitting wide eyed and comatose, needed a shower and saying “ba baba ba, baba . . . ” (remember that scene in Overboard with Goldie Hawn?). Besides. That Proverbs 31 woman? She had “servant girls” - not “girl” as in singular, but “girls” as in, more than one.

And why is there no mention of ANY of the responsibilities that come with raising children? Seriously. I found the word “children” ONCE in this chapter. In #6 below, where she says I’m to put my husband before my children. Even then, sometimes that’s not possible. When an infant depends on one of your body parts for food, you have to feed them, even if it means your husband has to wait.

So for all the wives and mothers out there who are exhausted at the end of every day, who smell like curdled milk, who want to know how to get dried caramel off the seat of their van, who don’t remember what it’s like to go to the bathroom by themselves or without someone talking to them with their lips pressed to the crack in the door, who accidentally wear mismatched shoes to work, who just don’t seem to ever put themselves on their own to-do lists and who pro-actively strive to run an efficient, but loving home . . .

You need yourself some servant girls. No servant girls? Then, no condemnation for “failing” to “Be the Glory of your Husband” because you can’t cross this #4 off your list.

And that’s all I have to say about that. (for now.)

Back to the list:

5. Save some of your energy every day for him.

Again, a good, solid idea from Mrs. Peace. But it is dependent on how #4 works out for me on a given day. I try, but truth be told, there are times when my kids “swim down together” and wear. me. out.

6. Put him first over the children, your parents, friends, job, ladies’ Bible studies, etc.

We are a team and we work together to accomplish the goals we’ve set for our family. We’re each other’s best friend. We raise our kids together.

7. Willingly and cheerfully rearrange your schedule for him when necessary.

If one of us needs the other to be somewhere, we are - if at all possible (unless he’s out of town). Sometimes we make concessions. For example, I’m scheduled to sing at a Mother’s Day Brunch on Saturday. We recently bought a boat. So you know what he wants to do on Saturday. But he doesn’t want to go without me. Do I cancel because I’m supposed to put him first? Should I have said no to the commitment in the first place? He says no to both of those questions, because he’s encouraging me to use my gifts in ministry (#17 below), so I’m going to go glorify God Saturday morning.

8. Talk about him in a positive light to others. Do not slander him at all, even if what you are saying is true.

We Never. Never. Never speak negatively about each other to other people. We may tease and kid sometimes, but never in a way that might hurt each other’s feelings or betray our confidence in the other.

9. Do whatever you can to make him look good, to accomplish his goals. Some examples are offer to run errands for him, organize your day to be available to help him with his projects, pray for him and make good suggestions. Give him the freedom not to use your suggestion, and do not be offended if he does not follow it.

We’ve got each other’s back and do these things for each other. However, I know that I have more flexibility than some women when it comes to organizing my day to be available to help him. A woman with a full time job won’t have that same flexibility.

In our house, FirstHusband and I both do these things. I don’t see how any of these are unique to women. This is what committed, married, Christian husbands and wives should do for each other. We know it’s work and we consciously strive for it.

10. Consider his work (job, goals, hobbies, work for the Lord) as more important than your own.

Because he works full-time and I work part-time, this is easy for me. Any woman who relocates to follow her husband to a new job does this. However, I know there are women who haven taken on the role as the primary bread-winner and their husbands have adopted the role of homemaker. What about them?

11. Think of specific ways that you can help him accomplish his goals. Examples are get up early in the mornings to help him get off to work having had a good breakfast, take care in recording telephone messages for him, anticipate any needs he may have in order to attain a specific goal, and keep careful records of money spent to keep up with the budget.

For our house, these examples are meaningless. I just focus on numbers 1 and 2 on this list and treat my husband with courtesy and respect. I try to do random acts of kindness for him - every day.

12. Consider the things that you are involved in. How do they glorify your husband? Ask his guidance.

So the things I’m involved in should glorify my husband and I should ask him for guidance to stay on track with that? I’m not sure what Mrs. Peace means. I shouldn’t be involved in activities my husband doesn’t support? This is an easy one for me because FirstHusband is very supportive and there’s not much he has asked me not to do. Oh! He asked me not to dye my hair red, so I won’t.

Neither one of us take on commitments which impact our daily family life without discussing it first. We have family “policies” we’ve adopted over the years to help us make decisions quicker. Like, each kid can only be involved in two extra curricular activities at any one time. We don’t make commitments which have us out of the house on school nights. I work as a consultant, but my husband isn’t involved in my daily business dealings. He doesn’t want to be. We talk about our work challenges and successes, and we offer each other advice and encouragement, but we don’t get involved in each other’s work much more than that.

13. Be warm and gracious to his family and friends. Make your commitment to him obvious to them.
14. Do and say things that build him up instead of tear him down.

Again with the good, solid ideas. But again, not unique to women. It’s just what people who love each other should do.

15. Dress and apply your makeup in an attractive manner that is pleasing to your husband.

This is a tough one for some women. I admit, when my kids were little (babies and toddlers) it was more difficult to fit in self care. I did smell like curdled milk sometimes, but I often couldn’t fit in a shower until FirstHusband was home to take over kid care. Since I turned 40, I’ve been changing some things. Maybe I’ll post about it someday.

16. When your husband sins, reprove him privately and gently, always giving him hope and pointing him to the Lord.
17. Encourage him to use his spiritual gifts in ministry.

FirstHusband and I do both of these for each other. We have a conflict resolution model that we learned when we were dating and we’ve been using it for 18 years. We’ve both memorized the steps and are actually very good at fitting a conflict into the model very quickly. It’s just something we do instead of fight or yell at each other.

We also encourage each other in ministry - as it fits with our goals for our family. When his schedule permits, he volunteers with a mentorship program. We’ve taught Sunday School together. I’m a vocalist, but because of our commitment to be home on school nights, I don’t sing in the choir or with the worship team. Rather, I perform solos. I can rehearse in the car, on my own time - not during family time. I also spoke and lead music at a few retreats, but quickly realized I didn’t want to be away from my family for weekends, as retreat leadership would require. It just doesn’t fit with our family priorities right now.

18. Realize that just as God is glorified when man obeys Him, your husband is glorified when you obey your husband.

Glorified? Still creeped out. Honored? Perfect.

Obey? It’s easy to “obey” someone when they put my needs before their own. I’m blessed that FirstHusband does that for me. He has never authoritatively “ordered” me to do anything. In our relationship, we don’t “defy” each other’s wishes. We respect and support each other’s preferences, goals, ideas . . . you get the idea.

All in all, an interesting list. However, NO scripture to support the items on the list.

Moving on again, Mrs. Peace is discussing the effects of the fall of man, one of which is “a power struggle between the man and his wife.” She quotes scripture again, but adds her own parenthetical comment:

“Yet your desire (to control or overtake) shall be for your husband, And he shall rule (to have power) over you.

Genesis 3:16, emphasis and
parenthetical comment added”

So first she leaves something out of quoted scripture and makes no mention of it. Now she’s adding to scripture and, while telling us that she’s doing so, she doesn’t tell us why. I want to know why. I’ve always read that scripture in a very straightforward way. “Your desire shall be for your husband . . . ” Why is she saying that desire means “to control or overtake?” She doesn’t say. I read that section again. She doesn’t say. I read Chapter Six again. She doesn’t say. I have to hunt for it, so it’s back to www.blueletterbible.com for the meaning of the word “desire.” The Biblical Usage is referenced as:

1) desire, longing, craving

a) of man for woman
b) of woman for man
c) of beast to devour

Of beast to devour? Okay, then. Never heard this verse interpreted this way. The Greek word for desire is “tĕshuwqah” with the root meaning “shuwq” meaning “overflow.”

Again, I’m dense, so I Google “shuwq” and come up with this: “From shuwq; a street (as run over)“

Not getting any better. So I search for commentary. Wow. I get it. All the commentaries I read pretty much said the same thing, but here’s the bottom line: This same word for desire is used in Genesis 4:7 - the desire of sin to master over Cain.

Okay, Mrs. Peace. NOW I understand why you added your parenthetical comment to Genesis 3:16.

Then she gets back to the obey and submit stuff. When I saw the diagram with the crown and the little church on page 54, I waited for felt to fall out of the book. Okay. That was mean. I know. But she could have saved me a LOT of time by providing a reference for her parenthetical comment about Genesis 3:16 and its relationship to Genesis 4:7. Mrs. Peace is making it difficult for me to understand her book without searching out additional resources. Leslie went in search also and discovered Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. Check her post to her recommended reading of this great resource.

THAT was long. If you’re still with me . . . THANKS! And . . . if you did make it all the way here - and you haven’t clicked away, thinking “what a heathen!” - I would love to know your thoughts!

(Chapter Six is not the first, but rather the most recent pause I’ve taken while reading this book. I’m not sure if I’ll work backwards from here and explain - simply because it’s almost summer and I will have children standing between me and a complete thought for 2 1/2 months. We’ll see.)

When I wrote the post entitled The Underwear Principle and now, underwear. step by step., I mentioned that I had applied this principle in other situations in my life. One of those situations involved my son.

FavoriteSon attended a Montessori pre-school from age three to five. The Montessori philosophy encourages independent work and allows the students to physically move around the classroom during the day. The “lessons” are clearly defined as separate activities with very specific, step by step instructions which follow the “left to right” and “top to bottom” concept employed by reading. The classroom was lined with low shelves on which sat rows of restaurant trays. On each tray were most, if not all the components of each lesson. It was the perfect learning environment for FavoriteSon at the time. (There’s a lot more to the Montessori philosophy, but I’ve covered what relates to the background of my situation.)

When it came time for 1st grade, we moved FavoriteSon to a traditional classroom environment at a non-denominational Christian school and it quickly became apparent that he was having a difficult time making the adjustment.

Someone, I don’t remember who, used the term “ADD.”

So I applied the The Underwear Principle:

Step 1: I didn’t approach the situation from any pre-conceived notion of how things “should” be. I opened my mind to the possibility that I DIDN’T KNOW what the problem was. I didn’t assume that my current knowledge and past experiences were enough to lead me to a conclusion, a diagnosis, a punishment strategy, or a resolution. I admitted that the “answer” might be different than anything I could think up on my own. Even worse, I had to consider the possibility that my parenting style was influencing the situation as well. (yeah. not liking that idea.)

Step 2: I tried to stay focused on the fact that my little boy wanted to learn. He wanted to behave appropriately. I understood that he was faced with an obstacle he couldn’t overcome without our help. We didn’t punish him or lecture him. We didn’t want him to feel defeated by school in the first grade.

Step 3: I analyzed what was happening. I took into account as much information as I could - the actual behaviors, the time of day, any possible cause and effect or trigger, his seating assignment - if there was ANY information available, I wanted to include it in my analysis.

The classroom layout was structured and decorated very differently from what he had experienced before, with the “lines” for each learning activity now blurred. There were no more distinct, individual tasks or lessons. Rather, unrelated information surrounded him on every wall. Not only was FavoriteSon no longer encouraged to move around the classroom during the day, but now he was actually discouraged from doing so. No more independent study or activities. Now, everyone worked on the same lesson together. When the teacher spoke to the children, she most often spoke to them as a group, rarely speaking directly to each individual child and making eye contact. The teacher reported that FavoriteSon frequently spoke out during class - but often, when he did so, it appeared as if he was talking to himself. He sometimes didn’t seem to hear her when she spoke to him. He often continued with lessons and activities after the teacher had concluded and moved on to the next lesson. Almost every morning he disrupted the class by talking to his classmates.

Step 4: I began researching the possibilities. I read books and articles, searched the internet, talked to other parents, teachers, counselors and even kids. The first thing I did was read some books on ADD.

FavoriteSon was displaying a few signs of ADD. One I noticed immediately was “hyperfocus.” If he was fully engaged in a task, he didn’t seem to notice anything around him. That’s what he was doing when he continued the lessons after the rest of the class had moved on to the next activity. I used to do that as a child when I was reading, and I never thought much of it. But FavoriteSon took it to the extreme. If he was interested and engaged in what he was doing, it was VERY difficult to get his attention. And not so much fun to get him to stop the activity. So what did this mean? Was there anything I could do about it? Back to the books.

I zeroed in on Chapter 10, Addressing the Imbalance: Non-Drug Treatments for ADD, in the book, “Running on Ritalin,” by Lawrence H. Diller, M.D. In the section entitled Behavioral Training: An Indispensable Tool, he suggested an interesting concept: (emphasis added)

Structure tasks into smaller components. For example, instead of telling a child, “Clean your room,” break the job down into stages: “First pick up your clothes off the floor and then put them in the hamper.”

I had an “Ah HA!” moment. I realized that, for my son, the instructions “Clean your room.” or “Do your homework.” were:

1. Too abstract. With so many things to do in order to accomplish that task, he was paralyzed and didn’t know where to start.

2. Too overwhelming. The job seemed bigger than it really was.

3. Too confusing. We didn’t have the same ideas with regard to what “clean” was when it came to his room. To him, it was clean. There were just toys and clothes on the floor.

(I read a LOT more and talked to a LOT more people, but it’s just too much to relay here. I’ll note some book resources at the end of this post.)

Armed with a plethora of information, it was time to turn all this knowledge and theory into action.

Step 5:
First, I wanted to rule out any physical problems, so I took FavoriteSon to the doctor for a checkup and had his hearing checked. His pediatrician didn’t discover anything unusual and his hearing was fine.

Secondly, I tried Dr. Miller’s suggestion to break things up into smaller components. I started at home. I gave short, step by step instructions for chores, homework - even bathing:

Instead of “clean up your room,” I said, “Pick up all your Rescue Heroes and stand them up on the shelves, please.” The first time, I said “put them on the shelf” and he PILED them on the shelf - but he had done what I asked. After a few times, he started to put all the water guys on one shelf, all the firefighters on another . . . my freakishly organized tendencies manifesting themselves in my son. I was so proud.

Instead of “Do your homework.” I said, “Hmm, how old are you? 6? If you do 6 math problems you can play for 12 minutes.” The first time he did his 6 problems in less than 5 minutes. After a few times of this “little bit of homework, little bit of play” he did his 6 math problems, I set the timer for 12 minutes and when the time was up, I said, “Hey bud, it’s time for 6 more problems.” He grinned and, without even looking up from the video game he was playing, he said, “Nuh uh. I finished all my math.” Little stinker had done ALL his math problems in one sitting. Because when he sat down to do them, he was only faced with the small, manageable task of completing 6 of them. (microactions, gotta love ‘em) I wondered why it took him a little longer that day. I just thought the problems were harder.

Instead of “Take a shower.” I said, “Pop in the shower and get your hair wet, please.” followed by “Get some shampoo in your hands and make bubbles before you put it on your head.” He used to spend way too much time in the shower and come out dry and dirty. Now, he had a clear understanding of what to do. I just walked by the bathroom door every few minutes to remind him what he was supposed to do next. If I didn’t, he would get distracted and we would hear him singing - and not washing.

It was amazing. Everything I asked FavoriteSon to do, he did. Fast. With fairly good attitude. So, I spoke to the teacher and explained what I had learned and what we had tried at home. She began modifying the way she gave instructions and reported that she noticed immediate, significant improvement. Lessons were completed, there were less instances of hyper focus and generally, he was doing better in school.

But he was still talking in class - to himself and to the other kids. I recalled something I read in Dr. Miller’s book, Running on Ritalin:

“The family of drugs to which Ritalin belongs - the stimulants - has been both a blessing and a blight on humankind. The stimulants, which include such drugs as caffeine, cocaine and amphetamine, are so named because of their generalized effects on the body’s organ systems, particularly on the heart, blood vessels, and brain. Stimulants increase blood pressure; they make the individual less sleepy. Stimulants such as coca leaves and tobacco have been used for centuries by indigenous peoples for there energizing, pain killing or medicinal properties. Many of us can’t start the day without our hit of caffeine.”

I drink coffee every morning. At least two cups. And we’re not talking 8 ounce cups. Who’s to say FavoriteSon couldn’t have a little Coke instead of a little Ritalin? And weren’t those tiny little half size cans just perfect for this little experiment? Bingo. He had his little can of Coke during snack every morning and the talking lessened. Significantly. (He was in 1st grade, did you really think he would completely stop talking in class?)

A few years later, we had his vision checked and found out that FavoriteSon was nearsighted and needed glasses to correct his vision. Was that another problem for him that we didn’t discover at that time?

So, looking back, I’m not sure. Did FavoriteSon have mild ADD? Or did he, like his sister, have problems with his blood sugar? Or both? Did his experience in Montessori school lead to some of the problems he had adjusting to the traditional environment? Was I a bad mom all those years for not realizing that one of the reasons he seemed so disinterested looking at alligators in the lake we drive over was because he couldn’t see them?

I’m not going to spend time on the diagnosis (or blaming myself) now and I didn’t focus on it then. What I DID do was take action. I applied The Underwear Principle, step by step.

For us, it worked. And make no mistake, as nice and neat as this wrote up, we didn’t live it out so smoothly. See, it’s easy to do all the stuff we did. But to do it consistently, over and over and over, every day, without giving in?

Now, THAT. Was hard.

Running on Ritalin by Lawrence H. Diller, M.D.

Should I Medicate My Child? by Lawrence H. Diller, M.D.

The Myth of the A.D.D. Child, 50 Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behavior and Attention Span Without Drugs, Labels or Coercion by Thomas Armstrong

Beyond Ritalin, Facts About Medication and Other Strategies for Helping Children, Adolescents, and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorders by Stephen W. Garber, Ph.D., Marianne Daniels Garber, Ph.D. and Robyn Freedman Spizman.

I read, therefore I quote. I can’t help it. It’s what I do.

“Microactions have become the cornerstone of my own attempts at balance. “Steps” did not always work for me. They seemed too big because they required that I give up control, make a commitment, and risk failure. (These are not my three favorite things to do.) Microactions get around my fears because I stay in control, commit to something so small I could hardly fear it, and I am guaranteed success. I am surprisingly easy to outsmart . . .

. . . Microactions really work. I use them on myself all the time. For example, I want to do two hundred sit-ups a day: one hundred first thing in the morning and one hundred the last thing at night . . . My goal is 1,400 a week. Can I commit to 1,400 sit-ups a week? Not on your life. So I tell myelf I have to do only one sit-up. Who can do only one sit-up? I do one and then when I’m down there I do ninety-nine more. I don’t dislike doing sit-ups, I dislike thinking about making myself do sit-ups. I hate the feeling I must do them and that if I don’t, I am somehow “bad.” So I trick myself into it and get past the barrier.

Do I do 1,400 sit-ups every week? Of course not. Some days I do one sit-up twice a day. Sometimes I do twenty-five. And, I am proud to say, sometimes I do two hundred.”

by Mary LoVerde

Stop Screaming at the Microwave

(copyright 1998, softcover, pages 44-46)

UPDATE: The winner, Mommy Brain sent me the following email:

I was just thinking about how I already won a big prize through 5minutesformom.com. Would it be too much trouble for you to draw a new person for your contest? This way someone who didn’t win a big prize gets something? Let me know.

Honoring her request, I ran the random number generator again and Stephanie is the new winner! I popped over to Stephanie’s blog and her Sunday, March 16 post entitled “MMM” follow-up” indicates she could use a little random act of kindness today! Thank you Mommy Brain!

CONGRATULATIONS Mommy Brain! You Won! Could you please email me your mailing address? I can’t find one for you on your site. Thanks!

In honor of the Ultimate Blog Party hosted at 5 Minutes for Mom AND in an effort to participate in Works for Me Wednesday, which is hosted by Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer, I’m combining a giveaway with a plea for visitors to share something that works for them!

I’m giving away the book “The Kite Runner” (paperback)

Used books are a treasure! At least I think so. I buy my books from thrift stores, garage sales, rummage sales, library sales and online through ebay, half.com, amazon, alibris - ANYWHERE I can get a book and pay less than retail for it. So if you feel the same way about used books, you get a chance to win one right here!

This book is in beautiful condition, the spine isn’t even bent yet! I just happen to own two of them. (So, I forget what I already own sometimes. Just help me purge will ya?)

How to Win: Just comment on this post and share your favorite time saving trick. It can be a gadget, a habit - ANYTHING that saves you time. - personally or professionally. (Can you see the hidden agenda here? Short of getting sleep in pill form, I need to find some extra minutes in my everyday life!) Only the entries with a time saving tip will be eligible to win. (Seriously. I need some help, people!)

I’ll close comments Sunday evening, March 16th and use a random number generator to pick a winner!

Note: If you live in Canada (or anywhere outside the U.S.) please only enter if you can walk me through EVERY step of the process of mailing this book to you from Florida. I need to be able to print the mailing label from www.usps.com because getting to the Post Office during operating hours is a real challenge for me. I mail domestic packages using usps.com all the time, but I’ve never shipped internationally. (The customs form scares and confuses me - and even if I figure it out, I don’t think I ever be brave enough to mail anything over 4 pounds.)

I’ve been reading Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel. Chapter 7, The Freedom to Be Different really resonated with me. Check out my latest post over at Pragmatic Communion. It’s about giving my daughter the “freedom to be different.”

Here’s a bit of Dr. Kimmel to ponder:

“The primary way to give our children grace is to offer it in place of our selfish preferences. They receive grace when we choose not to commit sins against their heart when our human nature would suggest that it would be okay to do so. In fact, the greatest grace that children receive is when we can even see the sins we are inclined to commit against their hearts followed by our willingness to go against our selfish urges. So much grace is stolen in the heat of the moment by our selfishness. Kids want things, need things, say things or do things that either bother us, embarrass us, or hurt us. But sometimes the reason we are hurt is because we might be exercising immaturity, insecurity or indifference. We take things that are huge to children and trivialize them, or we take small issues and magnify them out of proportion.”

“If you have a different child and remind her about the sacrifice you’ve made to accommodate her quirks, it is not in a context of grace.”

I’ve been tagged for two memes within 24 hours! The first was a trip down memory lane and a peek into the future all in one post. Very fun. Relaxing. More than a few minutes viewing you tube videos of old McDonald’s commercials.

This meme is pretty cool. Michelle (the artist) tagged me with this one. Here are the rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages.)
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Link back to the person who tagged you.
6. Tag five people.

So, the thing is . . . when I sit at my desk, i am literally surrounded by books. (I’ll have to post a photo sometime.) What to choose, what to choose. hmmm.

Office 2003 Timesaving Techniques. (yeahhhhNO.)
Mastering XHTM Premium Edition. (no again.)
The Bibliophile’s Dictionary. (too weird)
I could go into my daughter’s room and get Skippy Jon Jones (yeah, Michelle!)

Okay, here’s one:
The Story Factor, inspiration, influence and persuasion through the art of storytelling
by Annette Simmons.

This should be interesting. I haven’t even cracked the book until now.

“We have already covered the idea of touching our common humanity, but it may be a surprise to realize that the path to universality is via our uniqueness. If you want someone to think about their mother, tell a story that specifically describes your mother, a specific day when she took you to school, the clothes she wore, the model of car she drove, and so forth. Without effort, memories of their mother will surface.”

I think I’ll keep this one off the shelf for a while.

So, who to tag, who to tag. Lurkers. I tag you. You don’t even have to link back! Just . . . tag!

My random number generator produced the number 36! Congratulations Erin!

Welcome to my Bloggy Giveaway! I’m offering one giveaway on each of my blogs, so check them out! If you have a minute (a second?) check out my “i sort my m&m’s by color” page, my latest “Devotion” post or my post on my anti-filing system to see if one of my blogs might of interest to you in the future! If so, you can keep up with everything by subscribing to my “main” blog, Pragmatic Compendium!

Thanks so much for stopping by and GOOD LUCK on the Giveaways!

Shannon, over at Rocks in My Dryer is hosting a Bloggy Giveaway! Check out my contributions to the fun!

Go on over to Rhetoric (Pragmatic Communication) and post a comment, entering to win a hardback copy of Deborah Tannen’s “I only say this because I love you” How the Way We Talk Can Make or Break Family Relationships Throughout Our Lives (This is one of those books I bought not remembering I already owned it!)

____________________

On Devotions (Pragmatic Communion) enter to win a SET of Beverly Lewis books! This is the series ANNIE’S People and includes gently read (once) paperback copies of The Preacher’s Daughter, The Englisher and The Brethren.

____________________

I don’t have any computer books I’m ready to part with, so if you head over to Pragmatic Computing, leave a comment to win a framed quote. The frame is 6 x 6 inches, with a wood frame painted gold, kind of distressed.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” Pablo Picasso

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Finally, here at Pragmatic Compendium, add your comment to THIS post and be entered to win a STACK of weight management books:

The Ultimate Weight Solution, The 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom by Dr. Phil McGraw
The Ultimate Weight Solution FOOD GUIDE by Dr. Phil McGraw
The South Beach Diet by Arthur Agatston, M.D.
The South Beach Diet Good Fats Good Carbs Guide by Arthur Agatston, M.D.
Body for LIFE, 12 Weeks to Mental and Physical Strength by Bill Phillips

I already own all of these and frequently pick up good used copies to give to friends and family. So go ahead friends, leave a comment on this post and be entered to win!

“crazy woman say what?” (yes. we watch Hannah Montana.)

Really. Don’t file paper any more. Let me tell you a little story.

Once up a time, the perfectly organized woman (POW) would meticulously label color coded folders. Then she would sort papers, first by vendor (to go with the folders of course) and then she would sort the papers again. This time, chronologically. (of course). She would then staple together anything that was numbered “X of XX” and punch holes in the top to load onto the prongs in the folders. Folders without prongs? NEVER!

The mail would come in, the bills would paid and the checkbook balanced. (By her husband of course - she married him so she would have someone to balance the check book and change the cat litter.) The POW’s husband would then stack up the remaining paperwork and the POW would file it neatly, according the perfect filing system previously described. At the end of the year, the contents of the pronged color coded folder would be moved into a matching folder behind it. The contents of this matching archive folder was arranged chronologically as well. Both the active folder and the archive folder were nested neatly in a matching, color coded hanging folder.

The POW would open her file drawer and angels would sing the Hallelujah chorus.

Then, one day, the POW and her husband had a baby. Then, a few years later, they had another baby. And after a time, for some reason or another, the POW needed a copy of the first baby’s birth certificate.

AND SHE COULDN’T FIND IT!

She suddenly realized she hadn’t filed in her perfect system for SIX YEARS. When she opened her file drawer, she heard screaming. Realizing the screaming was coming from her own body, and being the problem solver she is, (and confident that she would never find the original birth certificate in her own house) she ordered a new birth certificate from the State.

Then the POW filed for and was granted an official name change. She is now known as
Perfectly Organized Woman Reformed (POWR). She purchased 47 books on organization (second hand, of course), read 2413 articles entitled “100 Ways to Organize Your Home” and then had an epiphany.

She remembered the Underwear Principle.

again with the “crazy woman say what?”

to be continued.

(thanks to Charlene over at Busy Mom’s Recipes for inspiring this post.)

A few days ago, I posted a link to a poll over at Lux Venit. Leslie is reading and reviewing a book entitled Redefining the Strong-Willed Woman by Cynthia Tobias. The first question in Leslie’s poll is “Would you call yourself a strong-willed woman?” I immediately commented and asked Leslie if Cynthia had defined a “strong willed woman.” I said I wasn’t sure how to answer without clarifying the term. “Strong-willed” may mean different things to different people. I’m not the only person who felt the term needed to be defined before the questions were answered. Check out Mrs. M at A Mother’s Musings. Leslie wanted me to answer the questions according to my own definition of a strong will.”

My own definition of a strong will. Problem. I didn’t have one. Never really thought about it before. I didn’t have time to go to the drawing board on this one. We had a birthday party, two basketball games and three solos at church this weekend. Not a lot of time for quiet introspection. I needed starting point. I had read another book by Cynthia Tobias a few years ago entitled You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded) and it actually helped me deal with my strong-willed pre-school daughter. I pulled it off the shelf, hoping for some insight into Cynthia’s definition of the term “strong-willed.”

In the first few pages of the book, she describes a conversation she had with a man named Bob. They were seated next to each other on an airplane and began discussing the difference in learning styles. He was frustrated with his children because the way they did things was very different from the way he did things. Given the title of my page above (“i sort my m&m’s by color”) I had to smile when I read what Cynthia asked him:

“Bob, how do you eat M&M’s?”

He replied without hesitation. “Oh, I always eat the primary colors first.” He looked puzzled. “Why? How do you eat them?”

“Well, I just sort of pour them in my hand and pop them in my mouth.”

“Oh no! Don’t you realize the Mars Candy Company has no specific formula for how many of each color go in each individual bag? You just can’t consume them randomly before you know what you’ve got!”

She laughed and said, “Bob, you are a sick man!”

A few pages later, Cynthia provides a test to check your child’s strong-willed “quotient.” I wondered if Cynthia offered a similar quiz in this new book, Redefining the Strong Willed Woman. I Googled (“cynthia tobias” quotient) and the third link led me right to it. I found the quiz in an article on www.familylifetoday.org. Go on over and take it! (But don’t forget to come back!)

I checked 5 statements in the quiz which describe me. So when determining how much “strong-will” I have, I scored a 5. Scoring between 4-7 points means “You use it when you need to, but not on a daily basis.” I think that’s about right.

At the risk of making myself look bad, I checked:

When given the ultimatum “Do it or else,” I will often just “else.”
(I don’t give ultimatums and my husband and I don’t allow our children to EVER give them - to us or anyone else. They are disrespectful. I wrote 3 paragraphs on this and then deleted each one. Just don’t get me started.)

I consider rules to be guidelines. (I’m abiding by the spirit of the law; why are you being so picky?) (I agree with the statement, but not with the parenthetical reasoning.) My reasons for seeing rules as guidelines are usually reversed. “You are abiding by the spirit of the law, I’m not going to be picky.” I see the bigger picture. I see the main objective. I see the motivation. I’m not concerned with dotting the “i” or crossing the “t” and I will bend the rules in a second if it helps someone without hurting someone else. I consider myself to be a reasonable person. A pragmatic person. There’s a reason for every rule created. I look at the reason more than the rule. Nobody freak out. I said RULE, not LAW. I don’t break the law.)

I can show great creativity and resourcefulness; I always seem to find a way to accomplish the goal. (I believe more things are possible than impossible. Something may not be possible if you follow one course of action to achieve a goal, but I believe it’s possible to modify the course of action and still achieve the intended goal. There are often multiple ways to do solve a problem or accomplish a goal, the successful way just hasn’t been thought of yet.)

I don’t do things just because “you’re supposed to”; it needs to matter to me personally. (Who decides what I’m “supposed to” do? I need to spend my time on things which support my own priorities, which I strive to keep in line with God’s will. I can’t abdicate my activity schedule or my priorities to anyone.)

I’m not afraid to try the unknown, to conquer the unfamiliar (but I’ll choose my own risks.) (I am risk averse, but I’m not afraid of learning something new. I love learning something new.)

So what is my definition of a strong-willed woman? Here we go:

I like all the adjectives Mrs. M used in her post: opinionated, articulate, brave, direct, confident and in control of their emotions. I would add educated (formal or informal), competitive (most often with myself), intentional (not reactionary) and open-minded (convince me, I may be wrong). I would also add some examples from my own life and perspective:

I removed the words, “and obey” from my wedding vows, but I would never make a big commitment (financial or otherwise) without a heart to heart with my husband.

I’m not afraid of being wrong or saying I’m wrong, but I do want to discuss it first. Make no mistake, I REALLY like it when I’m right. I just don’t freak out when I’m wrong.

Do not say the words, “Good enough.” to me if you want my respect. A job worth doing is worth doing well. (Both my kids just rolled their eyes. In their sleep.)

I don’t reject criticism in it’s entirety. I consider, after extracting emotional baggage, is there any truth to the criticism I receive? Probably. I try to find the truth and face it. No fun, but necessary.

So according to that fragmented definition, here are my answers to Leslie’s poll:

1. Would you call yourself a strong-willed woman?

Yes!

2. Do you view the possession of a strong-will as a positive or negative characteristic?

Possession? Positive. Remember the phrase, “That which does not kill you makes you stronger?” I believe my strong will is answer to prayer during my times of struggle. So, I believe possession of a strong-will is a positive characteristic. It is a gift from God. Our gifts are to be used for His glory. So, possession? Positive.

However, the exercise of a strong-will is a different thing altogether. I believe it is a positive characteristic when exercised in some situations. Negative when employed in others. The trick is knowing when to stand strong and when to employ passivity. In my opinion, both standing strong and being passive are necessary in life. Seeking God’s direction in making that determination is my responsibility.

3. Do you feel like your strong-will hinders or enhances your walk with Jesus?

Enhances. Being strong-willed doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t submit that will to Him. He gave me my gifts. I need him to lead me when it comes to using them. He needs to be my guide when I choose between exercising strong-will and being passive. I just need to work on seeking His will.

4. Do you believe a woman has to give up her strong-will in order to follow Christ?

No. I believe my strong-will is a gift. Submitting it to Him is one way I obey him.

5. Strong-willed women have a more difficult time fitting in with the rest of the women at church. Agree or disagree.

The thing is, referring to a woman as “strong-willed” seems to infer that she is different or unusual somehow. Speaking from an American perspective, I don’t think a strong-willed women is all that unique in 2008. The last question of the poll seems to be based on the premise that the “rest” of the women in the church are not strong-willed. I wonder if strong will in women can be grouped into three categories:

1. How to I phrase this first one? Women without strong-will? Weak willed women? Passive women? Submissive women? Pick your term.

2. Strong-willed women. (I still have my button which reads, “I failed submission school.”)

3. Stubborn, controlling, unreasonable, sometimes narcissistic women. (is that too harsh?)

I do feel awkward with some women. With others, I’ve found true sisters. Guess who the sisters are? Women in the second category. It’s natural for people to gravitate toward those who are like them. I fit in more easily with women who are like me.

I believe that my way can be different without being wrong. More importantly, I believe that your way can be different without being wrong. If you want to eat your m&m’s by the handful, without even looking at the colors, that would be different than me. But it wouldn’t be wrong. It would be sick, but not wrong.

Leslie, over at Lux Venit has inspired a post I’m working on. She’s reviewing a book for Discerning Reader entitled Redefining the Strong Willed Woman by Cynthia Tobias and she’s posted a poll asking the following questions:

1. Would you call yourself a strong-willed woman?
2. Do you view the possession of a strong-will as a positive or negative characteristic?
3. Do you feel like your strong-will hinders or enhances your walk with Jesus?
4. Do you believe a woman has to give up her strong-will in order to follow Christ?
5. Strong-willed women have a more difficult time fitting in with the rest of the women at church. Agree or disagree.

She’s hoping to post the results on Monday, so head on over and respond before then if you can. Hopefully you’ll come back here and check out my answers later. (I’m not finished thinking about the questions yet.)

Jenn over at “Mommy Needs Coffee” posted a unique challenge. Instead of a list of resolutions (or as I like to call it, a premature list of failures), just summarize all your resolutions in one word. one. (like bloggers can ever type just one word. Pass me that bag of Lays potato chips.) It’s like a theme for the year. I came up with my word pretty quick.

closure.

from everything to damaged relationships to home projects to the purging of excess stuff from my house to the learning of new software for work to . . . just closure. I wondered how that word came to me so quickly and then I remembered. A book. (anyone who knows me is thinking, “what else?”) I started it sometime mid 2006 and it’s been sitting in my “reading spot” (low in the stack) ever since. I got busy reading to learn (again). It’s a book called “Guilt Free Living” by Robert Jeffress. He talks about closure extensively and says:

“closure is the feeling that you have done everything that needs to be done at that time. Therefore you are free to relax and enjoy yourself without any guilt.”

This is a Christian based book and I wrote more about it on my devotions blog, but non-Christians, don’t freak out. If I can read a non-Christian book and filter it through my Christian perspective, non-Christians can read a Christian book and filter it through their own perspective. There’s a LOT of good stuff in here. Like Marcia K. Hornok’s paraphrase of Psalm 23:

The clock is my dictator, I shall not rest

It makes me lie down only when exhausted

It leads me to deep depression, it hounds my soul

It leads me in circles of frenzy for activities sake.

Even though I run frantically from task to task,

I will never get it all done, for my “ideal” is with me

Deadlines and my need for approval, they drive me.

They demand performance from me, beyond the limits of my schedule.

They anoint my head with migraines, my in-basket overflows.

Surely fatigue and time pressure shall follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the bonds of frustration forever.

closure.

what’s your word?

I started a book recently. And decided not to finish it. And I’m okay with that.

really.

It was “Running with Scissors.” Great reviews. “So funny!”

I hated it.

HATED IT.  (it’s VERY different from the movie)

H A T E D I T! (did I mention I hated it?)

And I don’t have to read stuff I hate. I’m a grown up and I get to choose. There was a time I wouldn’t have been comfortable with the idea of abandoning a book mid-read. I was taught to finish what I start. That not finishing was . . . failure.

So what changed my mind? A book, what else?

I read the book, “So Many Books, So Little Time” by Sara Nelson. In it, Sara chronicled her reading for an entire year. She had a reading list and a plan. A plan she didn’t stick to. She had books on her reading list she never got around to, books she hadn’t planned on reading, but devoured and (this is the revelation for me) a book or two she didn’t finish.

She didn’t finish a book.

And she was okay with that. She didn’t feel like she failed, was too ignorant or uncultured to understand or appreciate something or that she left something incomplete. She gave herself permission to put the book down and never look back.

Ahhhhh. My to do list just got so much lighter. Guilt is heavy. What I never realized before was that I actually did feel guilty when I didn’t finish reading a book. (If you think “Atlas Shrugged” is a heavy book, you can imagine how heavy the “still haven’t finished it” guilt is.)

Maybe it’s a book I’m not into. Why should I keep reading something I don’t like? Why? My discretionary time is so limited! Why should I spend it doing things I don’t like?

Maybe I do like a book, but it doesn’t reach in and touch me at this time in my life. I may LOVE it later. But not now. I can always read it later. If I want to. There have been spans of time in my life where I find great meaning and am edified by reading “My Utmost from His Highest” by Oswald Chambers and other times in my life where the book gathers dust on the shelf. Maybe I will finish Atlas Shrugged, but it’s not meaningful for me at this time in my life. Right now, I just don’t give a flip about John Gault.

So I’ll keep my leather bound copy of My Utmost for His Highest and my big, giant 40 pound copy of Atlas Shrugged and as I return Running with Scissors to the library, I’ll be thankful that I didn’t actually pay money for it.