Pragmatic Compendium

Warning: This is L O N G. You may need a nap in the middle. Or at least a snack.

Here’s two things I read this past week.

The first, in an email sent to me from FirstHusband:

A woman died and was sent to heaven. One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him. She only wanted to ask one question of him. So she asked, “Why did you create man before women?” God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, “Every good design needs a rough draft.”

(Yep. That’s FirstHusband. - Gotta love him!)

The second, in Chapter 6 (read it online here) of the book, The Excellent Wife, written by Martha Peace:

“Woman was created for the man, not man for the woman.”

Then Mrs. Peace notes 1 Corinthians 11:7-9 as support for her statement. According to her book, 1 Corinthians 11:7-9 reads like this:

“For a man is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. for man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” (emphasis added)

I looked these verses up on www.BibleGateway.com in an attempt to figure out which version of the Bible Mrs. Peace was quoting. The closest I found was from the New American Standard Version:

7 For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. 8 For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; 9 for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but (C)woman for the man’s sake.(emphasis added)

Why does she misquote scripture here?

Because quoting the beginning of verse 7 would call attention to the context? Check out verses 5 and 6:

5 But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved. 6 For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head.

The head covering verses? Seriously. The head covering verses? Verse 7 was misquoted to avoid reference to the head covering verses? Mrs. Peace is a big chicken. And I know that of which I speak. I’ve been a big chicken myself.

I’ve been following along with a study of this book, currently lead by Leslie at Lux Venit. I haven’t posted until now, because I’ve been the odd “man” out. And I’ve been chicken. FirstHusband’s email has given me courage. So did Leslie’s commentary:

“Honestly, this chapter left so much to be desired. Peace packs too much into this chapter without giving much in the way of explanation. I read this chapter four times and still finished just as frustrated the fourth time as the first. Peace offers a verse or two on which to base her statements, and that’s it. She uses the controversial 1 Corinthians 11 verses without any helpful interpretation, and verses from Ephesians that Paul himself calls “a mystery.” A woman without any prior knowledge or understanding of these verses would be very confused.”

I’m not confused. I’ve just lost some confidence in the author of this book. It’s not just Mrs. Peace. Overall, anyone (book authors included) who makes a declaration of God’s will without supporting their point with the Bible loses credibility with me. And when they misquote scripture or take it out of context in their attempt to support their point? Not working for me.

Here’s the thing. I spent years in the Baptist church, accepting and believing everything that was taught to me, without question. When I met FirstHusband (ChristianFriend at the time), he challenged me. He was ornery. He would draw me into theological discussions and take the opposing view, just to see if I knew why I believed what I believed. I don’t like losing. And I was losing those debates. A lot. (He later told me he was “testing” me and that I was the first Christian girl who didn’t slink away wondering if he was a Christian when he asked them difficult spiritual questions.)

So as a result of all these discussions, I started asking my pastor and other Christians lots of questions, reading my Bible more, reading commentaries . . . learning. Grounding my faith in Biblical wisdom instead of heresay (not heresy). Taking responsibility for my beliefs. Today, I no longer accept what others say without question. (Oprah has no power here.)

So if Mrs. Peace wants me to view her words as fact or truth instead of opinion, she needs to prove them. Convince me. Show me. In the Bible.

She’s not convincing me. Rather, she’s prompted me to double check her use of scripture.

Wary, but undeterred, I move on. I pass by the diagram showing how we are made in God’s image because it was so unbelievably simplistic, until I realize the graphic is being used to set up for the next one. Mrs. Peace is quoting a retired professor from Columbia University who compares the relationship of man, woman and God to the Holy Trinity. My first response was to be creeped out. But wait. Let me think on this one a few minutes.

I’m liking it. Very cool. Check out Professor Hatch’s breakdown for yourself:

The planner who makes the plans—God the Father.

The one who carries out the plans—God the Son.

The one who also carries out the plans as well as keeps and empowers Christians - God the Spirit.

In the Trinity, of course, there is perfect harmony. All are satisfied with their roles. There are no “power plays” or role confusion. Note how the Lord Jesus describes both His work and His role as well as that of the Holy Spirit:

“We must work the works of Him who sent Me, as long as it is day; night is coming, when no man can work.” John 9:4

Jesus therefore said, “When you lift up the Son of Man, then you will Know that I am He, and I do nothing on my own initiative, but I speak these things as the Father taught Me. And He who sent Me is with Me; He has not left Me alone, for I always do the things that are pleasing to Him.” John 8:28,29

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.” John 14:26

Also, within the Trinity, it is interesting to note who gets the glory. The Holy Spirit did not come to call attention to Himself but to Jesus.

Jesus said, “But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come. He shall glorify Me; but He shall take of Mine; and shall disclose it to you.” John 16:13-14

In addition, Jesus did not come to call attention to Himself but to the Father.

“I glorified Thee on the earth, having accomplished the work which Thou hast given Me to do.” John 17:4 (emphasis and red letter added)

Empower? I use that word all the time to describe my training philosophy. I can relate. I can also deal with the idea that I should “empower” my husband. Very cool.

Then I notice the word “helper.” That’s from the New American Standard version. It appears Professor Hack is attempting to call attention to the similarities between the word “helper” as it applies to the Holy Spirit and how it applies to the role of a wife. Is that an appropriate comparison? Going over to www.blueletterbible.com, I look up the word “helper” used here. In Greek it means “paraklētos” and I’m grinning because the part of speech for this word is “masculine noun.” And it’s being sited as a word for the role of a wife in marriage. But what does it the word mean? I also find the outline of Biblical usage for paraklētos:

1) summoned, called to one’s side, esp. called to one’s aid

a) one who pleads another’s cause before a judge, a pleader, counsel for defense, legal assistant, an advocate
b) one who pleads another’s cause with one, an intercessor

1) of Christ in his exaltation at God’s right hand, pleading with God the Father for the pardon of our sins

c) in the widest sense, a helper, succourer, aider, assistant

1) of the Holy Spirit destined to take the place of Christ with the apostles (after his ascension to the Father), to lead them to a deeper knowledge of the gospel truth, and give them divine strength needed to enable them to undergo trials and persecutions on behalf of the divine kingdom

okay. I’m dense. I’m still not clear on how this applies to the role of wives in marriage. I go straight for the Greek definition: “comforter, advocate.”

Okay Prof Hatch. I can be that for my husband. I try to be that for him already. And even though I’m saying that on the internet right now, I really don’t need to take any credit for it either. Is that what you’re saying? I’m okay with that.

I move on again, because even though I’m not down with Mrs. Peace at the moment, I’m not ready to stop reading her book yet and I am gaining new perspective. I am however, very aware that it’s Professor Hatch who led me to that new perspective, not Mrs. Peace. He made a statement and backed it up - with the Bible.

After the last quote by Professor Hatch (shown above) - in both the printed book and in the online text of this Chapter, Mrs. Peace doesn’t clearly indicate that she has stopped quoting Prof Hatch and has gone back to her own thoughts again. It’s always confusing when a writer does that, but in this case, I figure it out immediately because of what she writes:

So, Just as Christ glorified the Father by doing the Father’s “work,” you are to glorify your husband by doing the husband’s “work”. Your role is to glorify your husband. You were created for him.

And now I’m creeped out again. It’s the word “glorify.” Not EVER a word I have considered when thinking about what I do for my husband. Back to www.blueletterbible.com (I love this site!). Glorify, in greek it’s doxazō and the Biblical usage is:

1) to think, suppose, be of opinion
2) to praise, extol, magnify, celebrate
3) to honour, do honour to, hold in honour
4) to make glorious, adorn with lustre, clothe with splendour

a) to impart glory to something, render it excellent
b) to make renowned, render illustrious

1) to cause the dignity and worth of some person or thing to become manifest and acknowledged

Okay, some of it I get (although if I tried to “clothe” FirstHusband “with spendour” I don’t think it would go very well. Something like bathing a cat.)

But still. The word “glorify” creeps me out. I’ll stick with the word “honor” (#3 above) if that’s okay with you.

I’m also confused about what Mrs. Peace means when she says I’m supposed to be doing my husband’s “work.” Why does she put quotes around the word “work?” Jumping over to page 55 of the book (towards the bottom of the page in the online text), I see the “Eighteen Ways a Wife May be the Glory of Her Husband.”

okay. Let’s take them one by one.

1. Ask your husband, “What are your goals for the week?”
2. Ask your husband, “How can I help you to accomplish these goals?”
3. Ask your husband, “Is there anything that I can do differently that would make it easier for you?”

I’m good with all three of these, given my freakish organizational nature and textbook communication skills. I don’t think a weekend goes by where FirstHusband and I don’t talk about what’s going on during the upcoming week. So, these are great ideas. Not Biblical directives but good, solid ideas to strengthen a relationship and make a household run more smoothly. For a week, at least.

4. Be organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking. As you fulfill your God-given responsibilities, your husband is then free to do his work.

My “God-given responsibilities” are to be “organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking?” So the fact that my husband and I share these tasks means what? I’m outside of God’s will? What does it say about my husband? What does the Bible say about the yardwork? In our house, we’ve figured out a division of responsibilities that works for us. If I were to do all the household chores by myself, FirstHusband would come home to me sitting wide eyed and comatose, needed a shower and saying “ba baba ba, baba . . . ” (remember that scene in Overboard with Goldie Hawn?). Besides. That Proverbs 31 woman? She had “servant girls” - not “girl” as in singular, but “girls” as in, more than one.

And why is there no mention of ANY of the responsibilities that come with raising children? Seriously. I found the word “children” ONCE in this chapter. In #6 below, where she says I’m to put my husband before my children. Even then, sometimes that’s not possible. When an infant depends on one of your body parts for food, you have to feed them, even if it means your husband has to wait.

So for all the wives and mothers out there who are exhausted at the end of every day, who smell like curdled milk, who want to know how to get dried caramel off the seat of their van, who don’t remember what it’s like to go to the bathroom by themselves or without someone talking to them with their lips pressed to the crack in the door, who accidentally wear mismatched shoes to work, who just don’t seem to ever put themselves on their own to-do lists and who pro-actively strive to run an efficient, but loving home . . .

You need yourself some servant girls. No servant girls? Then, no condemnation for “failing” to “Be the Glory of your Husband” because you can’t cross this #4 off your list.

And that’s all I have to say about that. (for now.)

Back to the list:

5. Save some of your energy every day for him.

Again, a good, solid idea from Mrs. Peace. But it is dependent on how #4 works out for me on a given day. I try, but truth be told, there are times when my kids “swim down together” and wear. me. out.

6. Put him first over the children, your parents, friends, job, ladies’ Bible studies, etc.

We are a team and we work together to accomplish the goals we’ve set for our family. We’re each other’s best friend. We raise our kids together.

7. Willingly and cheerfully rearrange your schedule for him when necessary.

If one of us needs the other to be somewhere, we are - if at all possible (unless he’s out of town). Sometimes we make concessions. For example, I’m scheduled to sing at a Mother’s Day Brunch on Saturday. We recently bought a boat. So you know what he wants to do on Saturday. But he doesn’t want to go without me. Do I cancel because I’m supposed to put him first? Should I have said no to the commitment in the first place? He says no to both of those questions, because he’s encouraging me to use my gifts in ministry (#17 below), so I’m going to go glorify God Saturday morning.

8. Talk about him in a positive light to others. Do not slander him at all, even if what you are saying is true.

We Never. Never. Never speak negatively about each other to other people. We may tease and kid sometimes, but never in a way that might hurt each other’s feelings or betray our confidence in the other.

9. Do whatever you can to make him look good, to accomplish his goals. Some examples are offer to run errands for him, organize your day to be available to help him with his projects, pray for him and make good suggestions. Give him the freedom not to use your suggestion, and do not be offended if he does not follow it.

We’ve got each other’s back and do these things for each other. However, I know that I have more flexibility than some women when it comes to organizing my day to be available to help him. A woman with a full time job won’t have that same flexibility.

In our house, FirstHusband and I both do these things. I don’t see how any of these are unique to women. This is what committed, married, Christian husbands and wives should do for each other. We know it’s work and we consciously strive for it.

10. Consider his work (job, goals, hobbies, work for the Lord) as more important than your own.

Because he works full-time and I work part-time, this is easy for me. Any woman who relocates to follow her husband to a new job does this. However, I know there are women who haven taken on the role as the primary bread-winner and their husbands have adopted the role of homemaker. What about them?

11. Think of specific ways that you can help him accomplish his goals. Examples are get up early in the mornings to help him get off to work having had a good breakfast, take care in recording telephone messages for him, anticipate any needs he may have in order to attain a specific goal, and keep careful records of money spent to keep up with the budget.

For our house, these examples are meaningless. I just focus on numbers 1 and 2 on this list and treat my husband with courtesy and respect. I try to do random acts of kindness for him - every day.

12. Consider the things that you are involved in. How do they glorify your husband? Ask his guidance.

So the things I’m involved in should glorify my husband and I should ask him for guidance to stay on track with that? I’m not sure what Mrs. Peace means. I shouldn’t be involved in activities my husband doesn’t support? This is an easy one for me because FirstHusband is very supportive and there’s not much he has asked me not to do. Oh! He asked me not to dye my hair red, so I won’t.

Neither one of us take on commitments which impact our daily family life without discussing it first. We have family “policies” we’ve adopted over the years to help us make decisions quicker. Like, each kid can only be involved in two extra curricular activities at any one time. We don’t make commitments which have us out of the house on school nights. I work as a consultant, but my husband isn’t involved in my daily business dealings. He doesn’t want to be. We talk about our work challenges and successes, and we offer each other advice and encouragement, but we don’t get involved in each other’s work much more than that.

13. Be warm and gracious to his family and friends. Make your commitment to him obvious to them.
14. Do and say things that build him up instead of tear him down.

Again with the good, solid ideas. But again, not unique to women. It’s just what people who love each other should do.

15. Dress and apply your makeup in an attractive manner that is pleasing to your husband.

This is a tough one for some women. I admit, when my kids were little (babies and toddlers) it was more difficult to fit in self care. I did smell like curdled milk sometimes, but I often couldn’t fit in a shower until FirstHusband was home to take over kid care. Since I turned 40, I’ve been changing some things. Maybe I’ll post about it someday.

16. When your husband sins, reprove him privately and gently, always giving him hope and pointing him to the Lord.
17. Encourage him to use his spiritual gifts in ministry.

FirstHusband and I do both of these for each other. We have a conflict resolution model that we learned when we were dating and we’ve been using it for 18 years. We’ve both memorized the steps and are actually very good at fitting a conflict into the model very quickly. It’s just something we do instead of fight or yell at each other.

We also encourage each other in ministry - as it fits with our goals for our family. When his schedule permits, he volunteers with a mentorship program. We’ve taught Sunday School together. I’m a vocalist, but because of our commitment to be home on school nights, I don’t sing in the choir or with the worship team. Rather, I perform solos. I can rehearse in the car, on my own time - not during family time. I also spoke and lead music at a few retreats, but quickly realized I didn’t want to be away from my family for weekends, as retreat leadership would require. It just doesn’t fit with our family priorities right now.

18. Realize that just as God is glorified when man obeys Him, your husband is glorified when you obey your husband.

Glorified? Still creeped out. Honored? Perfect.

Obey? It’s easy to “obey” someone when they put my needs before their own. I’m blessed that FirstHusband does that for me. He has never authoritatively “ordered” me to do anything. In our relationship, we don’t “defy” each other’s wishes. We respect and support each other’s preferences, goals, ideas . . . you get the idea.

All in all, an interesting list. However, NO scripture to support the items on the list.

Moving on again, Mrs. Peace is discussing the effects of the fall of man, one of which is “a power struggle between the man and his wife.” She quotes scripture again, but adds her own parenthetical comment:

“Yet your desire (to control or overtake) shall be for your husband, And he shall rule (to have power) over you.

Genesis 3:16, emphasis and
parenthetical comment added”

So first she leaves something out of quoted scripture and makes no mention of it. Now she’s adding to scripture and, while telling us that she’s doing so, she doesn’t tell us why. I want to know why. I’ve always read that scripture in a very straightforward way. “Your desire shall be for your husband . . . ” Why is she saying that desire means “to control or overtake?” She doesn’t say. I read that section again. She doesn’t say. I read Chapter Six again. She doesn’t say. I have to hunt for it, so it’s back to www.blueletterbible.com for the meaning of the word “desire.” The Biblical Usage is referenced as:

1) desire, longing, craving

a) of man for woman
b) of woman for man
c) of beast to devour

Of beast to devour? Okay, then. Never heard this verse interpreted this way. The Greek word for desire is “tĕshuwqah” with the root meaning “shuwq” meaning “overflow.”

Again, I’m dense, so I Google “shuwq” and come up with this: “From shuwq; a street (as run over)“

Not getting any better. So I search for commentary. Wow. I get it. All the commentaries I read pretty much said the same thing, but here’s the bottom line: This same word for desire is used in Genesis 4:7 - the desire of sin to master over Cain.

Okay, Mrs. Peace. NOW I understand why you added your parenthetical comment to Genesis 3:16.

Then she gets back to the obey and submit stuff. When I saw the diagram with the crown and the little church on page 54, I waited for felt to fall out of the book. Okay. That was mean. I know. But she could have saved me a LOT of time by providing a reference for her parenthetical comment about Genesis 3:16 and its relationship to Genesis 4:7. Mrs. Peace is making it difficult for me to understand her book without searching out additional resources. Leslie went in search also and discovered Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. Check her post to her recommended reading of this great resource.

THAT was long. If you’re still with me . . . THANKS! And . . . if you did make it all the way here - and you haven’t clicked away, thinking “what a heathen!” - I would love to know your thoughts!

(Chapter Six is not the first, but rather the most recent pause I’ve taken while reading this book. I’m not sure if I’ll work backwards from here and explain - simply because it’s almost summer and I will have children standing between me and a complete thought for 2 1/2 months. We’ll see.)

We told PinkGirl today.

My parents were coming over to borrow FirstHusband’s truck. My dad was helping my mom by picking up a bed given to her by a friend and they needed the truck. So we knew PinkGirl would be seeing her grandmother. We knew that my mom would be leaving in 8 days and we knew we couldn’t put it off any longer.

FirstHusband and I sat down on the floor of the family room with our coffee and asked PinkGirl to come sit with us. We wanted to talk to her.

“Why?”

“Because we want to talk to you about something.”

“What?”

“Well, if you come and sit down, we’ll tell you, silly.”

She sits, looking at us suspiciously.

“You’re not in trouble, don’t worry.”

“oh.” Grin. Giggle.

Now this is all meshed together, so realize I’m pulling things from my memory and they may not be (probably won’t be) in order. And some of the conversation is missing.

“Mamaw (pause) is very unhappy (pause) and she has been unhappy for a long time, she’s just been pretending she was happy. She has decided (pause) that she doesn’t want to be married to Pappy anymore (pause) and that she wants to live in her own house. (pause) Her new house is in another state.”

Silence. Eyes watering. Now she’s in my lap. Arms around my neck, face in my shoulder.

“Why?” (oh. How I have been DREADING this question.)

(pause) then almost simultaneously, FirstHusband and I say, “We don’t know.”

“Why can’t she just stay married to Pappy? Why can’t she just tell the marriage people, ‘Yes, we’re happy?’ When the marriage people ask them, ‘Are you happy?’ they could just say ‘Yes, we’re happy.’ and then they could still be married. They could still live together.”

“Sweetie, (pause) Mamaw and Pappy are already divorced.”

Head buried in my shoulder. “I don’t want a grandmother anymore.”

“oh, honey, why not?”

“Not if she’s not married to Pappy.”

“Sweetie. She’s still your grandmother, even if she and Pappy aren’t married anymore.”

“But why does she have to move away? Does she not want to be with us anymore?”

(Second and third most dreaded questions.)

FirstHusband and I both, first talking over top of each other and then taking turns: “No, honey, this has nothing to to with us . . .” (and all the other stuff you say to kids when you want to assure them that divorce has nothing to do with them.)

“But why does she have to move away?”

I take this one, “We don’t know honey. (pause) What reasons can you think of?”

“Well, maybe she doesn’t want to live in Florida anymore.”

“That could be one reason.”

“Maybe she wants to live where it snows.” (PinkGirl saw snow for the first time in March.)

“Maybe. That could be another reason.”

Then.

“Maybe she just wants freedom.”

“Freedom? What do you mean by ‘freedom’?”

“Like, freedom to live by herself. In her own house. And not share it with anybody.”

We’re speechless.

“PinkGirl, that is VERY smart.”

Then, silence. Thinking.

FirstHusband says, “PinkGirl, we need you to know that Mom and Dad will NEVER get divorced.”

“But what if you . . . “

“Nope. Never. You know who my best friend is?”

PinkGirl points at me.

“Yep. Mom is my BEST friend.”

“And Daddy is MY best friend.” I add.

FirstHusband continues. “When you are thirty and have finished college and YOU get married . . .”

“Da ad!”

“. . . you need to make sure you are marrying your BEST friend. And you need to date for a long time so you know how he handles things when you disagree with him. Marriage isn’t like Sleeping Beauty, where you are singing and dancing in the forest with a Prince. Marriage isn’t always exciting. You need to make sure you want to be married to him even during the boring times and during the hard times. You need to date a long time and make sure you marry your best friend. “

I jump in, “And most of all, after you get married you have to work really hard at being married. People who get divorced start having trouble being married a LONG time before they actually get divorced. Mom and Dad make sure that we fix the tiny problems when they first happen, so that the problems don’t last and last or get bigger and bigger. If you make sure you work out little problems when they happen, you can stay best friends. (pause) Do you know what Daddy told me once? He said that every day, he asks himself a question. He . . . Daddy, you tell her.”

FirstHusband says, “Every day, I ask myself, ‘What can I do to make Mommy’s life easier or better today?’”

I pop back in, “Daddy does nice things for me all the time. It’s one way he shows me he loves me. I try to do nice things for Daddy too.”

Silence again. Thinking.

“Maybe Mamaw doesn’t know that real freedom is sharing.”

We are speechless. Again.

Then I say, “PinkGirl? You just figured out something really important about life.”

Small Grin. Silence. More Thinking.

“Can I ask Mrs. FirstGradeTeacher to pray for Mamaw? To pray that she will understand that real freedom is sharing?”

“Remember when we talked to Mrs. FirstGradeTeacher last week for our conference? Well, we told her that this was going to happen and you know what she’s been doing? She’s been praying for you.”

Grin. Then recognition.

“You knew already? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, I knew you would be sad, so I didn’t want you to be sad for a long time between finding out and Mamaw moving, so I decided to tell you later, so you wouldn’t be sad for so long.”

“When is Mamaw moving away?”

“A week from tomorrow, honey.”

Tears again. “Why didn’t you tell me THEN? Now I have to be sad for a whole week!”

(Do I know my daughter or what?)

Snuggle hugs, and then I say, “PinkGirl, Mamaw and Pappy will be here in a little while, are you okay with that?”

Thinking. Then, “Well, just act normal. I don’t want to cry in front of her, so act like you told me, but that I’m not freaking out.”

“So you don’t want to talk about it with Mamaw?”

“No. If I talk about it, I’ll cry.”

Then Daddy says, “Hey, there’s something not fair here.”

PinkGirl looks confused.

But, I get it. “Mommy has been getting all the snuggles.”

PinkGirl climbs into Daddy’s lap for a huge hug.

Strategically, I ask, “Hey, would you like to invite someone over to play today?”

“YEAH!”

PinkGirl spent the rest of the afternoon playing with two friends - sisters. Happy. She went to bed without “tummy worries” as she sometimes calls it when she is upset over something.

There’s still the farewell to go through. But today? She’s doing okay.

Me? I can’t stop thinking about this.

I explained the origin of my foundational organization philosophy in the The Underwear Principle. I’m going to “strip it down” into steps which can be applied in many situations, so it can be used as more than just an organizational tool.

The Underwear Principle, Step by Step:

Step 1:
Let it go. I have to pry my white knuckled fingers off of “MY Way.” I have to consider that “different” isn’t wrong and I can’t force anyone to follow my directions. At least not in the long run.

Step 2:
I have to accept whoever is contributing to the problem. Even if it’s ME. In my family, I know that they are not purposely trying to sabotage me (or make me bang my head on the nearest table in frustration). I try to stay focused on what’s really important. People and relationships. I’m making memories. I want them to be good ones, with no flashbacks of me looking like Cruella DeVille on a self-centered rampage.

Step 3:
I HAVE to pay attention. I HAVE to watch what happens naturally and figure out why. Is someone doing something a certain way because they are taking the path of least resistance? Is there an obstacle I don’t understand?

Step 4:
My favorite part. I gather information. I get to learn stuff. From any source. Books, the internet, magazines and periodicals, friends, family . . . I gather ideas with the mindset that I can figure out how to solve the problem. Some ideas I hate and immediately discard. I might take other ideas and twist or build on them a little to customize something for my situation. Some ideas might be great right from the start.

Step 5:
I implement changes based on what I learned and then watch to see how others react. I don’t change everything at once.

Step 6: Modify and Repeat. Circumstances change and I have to adapt. Application of The Underwear Principle is never a done deal. Some changes don’t work. Some changes make improvements, but don’t work completely. It requires modification over time.

The Underwear Principle can be applied in so many other situations. In the coming weeks and months, I’ll post some of my experiences applying it. See the original Underwear Principle post for links.

Do you have an “Underwear Principle” story? I’d love to hear it!

Thanks to my longtime friend, Renee for the following reminder. This is what I was feeling and talking about when I wrote the devotions “i want no regrets” and “what’s next?” on Pragmatic Communion.

“A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else—the small stuff. “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked.”

The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

I’ve heard this story before, but with rocks instead of golf balls. I had never heard the ingredients include coffee before.

Renee, since we live so far apart, we’re gonna need to have “virtual” coffee. Don’t you just LOVE free mobile to mobile?

Lysa at Proverbs 31 Ministries pointed me to a Hope Contest Amy is hosting at her blog, God’s Work in Progress.  It’s easy to enter:  Just leave a comment with your favorite quote or verse having to do with hope.  Tell her why it’s your favorite and where it comes from. The prize will be a book on hope!

My entry?  The song “Anyway” by Martina McBride.

A few days ago, I posted a link to a poll over at Lux Venit. Leslie is reading and reviewing a book entitled Redefining the Strong-Willed Woman by Cynthia Tobias. The first question in Leslie’s poll is “Would you call yourself a strong-willed woman?” I immediately commented and asked Leslie if Cynthia had defined a “strong willed woman.” I said I wasn’t sure how to answer without clarifying the term. “Strong-willed” may mean different things to different people. I’m not the only person who felt the term needed to be defined before the questions were answered. Check out Mrs. M at A Mother’s Musings. Leslie wanted me to answer the questions according to my own definition of a strong will.”

My own definition of a strong will. Problem. I didn’t have one. Never really thought about it before. I didn’t have time to go to the drawing board on this one. We had a birthday party, two basketball games and three solos at church this weekend. Not a lot of time for quiet introspection. I needed starting point. I had read another book by Cynthia Tobias a few years ago entitled You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded) and it actually helped me deal with my strong-willed pre-school daughter. I pulled it off the shelf, hoping for some insight into Cynthia’s definition of the term “strong-willed.”

In the first few pages of the book, she describes a conversation she had with a man named Bob. They were seated next to each other on an airplane and began discussing the difference in learning styles. He was frustrated with his children because the way they did things was very different from the way he did things. Given the title of my page above (“i sort my m&m’s by color”) I had to smile when I read what Cynthia asked him:

“Bob, how do you eat M&M’s?”

He replied without hesitation. “Oh, I always eat the primary colors first.” He looked puzzled. “Why? How do you eat them?”

“Well, I just sort of pour them in my hand and pop them in my mouth.”

“Oh no! Don’t you realize the Mars Candy Company has no specific formula for how many of each color go in each individual bag? You just can’t consume them randomly before you know what you’ve got!”

She laughed and said, “Bob, you are a sick man!”

A few pages later, Cynthia provides a test to check your child’s strong-willed “quotient.” I wondered if Cynthia offered a similar quiz in this new book, Redefining the Strong Willed Woman. I Googled (“cynthia tobias” quotient) and the third link led me right to it. I found the quiz in an article on www.familylifetoday.org. Go on over and take it! (But don’t forget to come back!)

I checked 5 statements in the quiz which describe me. So when determining how much “strong-will” I have, I scored a 5. Scoring between 4-7 points means “You use it when you need to, but not on a daily basis.” I think that’s about right.

At the risk of making myself look bad, I checked:

When given the ultimatum “Do it or else,” I will often just “else.”
(I don’t give ultimatums and my husband and I don’t allow our children to EVER give them - to us or anyone else. They are disrespectful. I wrote 3 paragraphs on this and then deleted each one. Just don’t get me started.)

I consider rules to be guidelines. (I’m abiding by the spirit of the law; why are you being so picky?) (I agree with the statement, but not with the parenthetical reasoning.) My reasons for seeing rules as guidelines are usually reversed. “You are abiding by the spirit of the law, I’m not going to be picky.” I see the bigger picture. I see the main objective. I see the motivation. I’m not concerned with dotting the “i” or crossing the “t” and I will bend the rules in a second if it helps someone without hurting someone else. I consider myself to be a reasonable person. A pragmatic person. There’s a reason for every rule created. I look at the reason more than the rule. Nobody freak out. I said RULE, not LAW. I don’t break the law.)

I can show great creativity and resourcefulness; I always seem to find a way to accomplish the goal. (I believe more things are possible than impossible. Something may not be possible if you follow one course of action to achieve a goal, but I believe it’s possible to modify the course of action and still achieve the intended goal. There are often multiple ways to do solve a problem or accomplish a goal, the successful way just hasn’t been thought of yet.)

I don’t do things just because “you’re supposed to”; it needs to matter to me personally. (Who decides what I’m “supposed to” do? I need to spend my time on things which support my own priorities, which I strive to keep in line with God’s will. I can’t abdicate my activity schedule or my priorities to anyone.)

I’m not afraid to try the unknown, to conquer the unfamiliar (but I’ll choose my own risks.) (I am risk averse, but I’m not afraid of learning something new. I love learning something new.)

So what is my definition of a strong-willed woman? Here we go:

I like all the adjectives Mrs. M used in her post: opinionated, articulate, brave, direct, confident and in control of their emotions. I would add educated (formal or informal), competitive (most often with myself), intentional (not reactionary) and open-minded (convince me, I may be wrong). I would also add some examples from my own life and perspective:

I removed the words, “and obey” from my wedding vows, but I would never make a big commitment (financial or otherwise) without a heart to heart with my husband.

I’m not afraid of being wrong or saying I’m wrong, but I do want to discuss it first. Make no mistake, I REALLY like it when I’m right. I just don’t freak out when I’m wrong.

Do not say the words, “Good enough.” to me if you want my respect. A job worth doing is worth doing well. (Both my kids just rolled their eyes. In their sleep.)

I don’t reject criticism in it’s entirety. I consider, after extracting emotional baggage, is there any truth to the criticism I receive? Probably. I try to find the truth and face it. No fun, but necessary.

So according to that fragmented definition, here are my answers to Leslie’s poll:

1. Would you call yourself a strong-willed woman?

Yes!

2. Do you view the possession of a strong-will as a positive or negative characteristic?

Possession? Positive. Remember the phrase, “That which does not kill you makes you stronger?” I believe my strong will is answer to prayer during my times of struggle. So, I believe possession of a strong-will is a positive characteristic. It is a gift from God. Our gifts are to be used for His glory. So, possession? Positive.

However, the exercise of a strong-will is a different thing altogether. I believe it is a positive characteristic when exercised in some situations. Negative when employed in others. The trick is knowing when to stand strong and when to employ passivity. In my opinion, both standing strong and being passive are necessary in life. Seeking God’s direction in making that determination is my responsibility.

3. Do you feel like your strong-will hinders or enhances your walk with Jesus?

Enhances. Being strong-willed doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t submit that will to Him. He gave me my gifts. I need him to lead me when it comes to using them. He needs to be my guide when I choose between exercising strong-will and being passive. I just need to work on seeking His will.

4. Do you believe a woman has to give up her strong-will in order to follow Christ?

No. I believe my strong-will is a gift. Submitting it to Him is one way I obey him.

5. Strong-willed women have a more difficult time fitting in with the rest of the women at church. Agree or disagree.

The thing is, referring to a woman as “strong-willed” seems to infer that she is different or unusual somehow. Speaking from an American perspective, I don’t think a strong-willed women is all that unique in 2008. The last question of the poll seems to be based on the premise that the “rest” of the women in the church are not strong-willed. I wonder if strong will in women can be grouped into three categories:

1. How to I phrase this first one? Women without strong-will? Weak willed women? Passive women? Submissive women? Pick your term.

2. Strong-willed women. (I still have my button which reads, “I failed submission school.”)

3. Stubborn, controlling, unreasonable, sometimes narcissistic women. (is that too harsh?)

I do feel awkward with some women. With others, I’ve found true sisters. Guess who the sisters are? Women in the second category. It’s natural for people to gravitate toward those who are like them. I fit in more easily with women who are like me.

I believe that my way can be different without being wrong. More importantly, I believe that your way can be different without being wrong. If you want to eat your m&m’s by the handful, without even looking at the colors, that would be different than me. But it wouldn’t be wrong. It would be sick, but not wrong.

Jenn over at “Mommy Needs Coffee” posted a unique challenge. Instead of a list of resolutions (or as I like to call it, a premature list of failures), just summarize all your resolutions in one word. one. (like bloggers can ever type just one word. Pass me that bag of Lays potato chips.) It’s like a theme for the year. I came up with my word pretty quick.

closure.

from everything to damaged relationships to home projects to the purging of excess stuff from my house to the learning of new software for work to . . . just closure. I wondered how that word came to me so quickly and then I remembered. A book. (anyone who knows me is thinking, “what else?”) I started it sometime mid 2006 and it’s been sitting in my “reading spot” (low in the stack) ever since. I got busy reading to learn (again). It’s a book called “Guilt Free Living” by Robert Jeffress. He talks about closure extensively and says:

“closure is the feeling that you have done everything that needs to be done at that time. Therefore you are free to relax and enjoy yourself without any guilt.”

This is a Christian based book and I wrote more about it on my devotions blog, but non-Christians, don’t freak out. If I can read a non-Christian book and filter it through my Christian perspective, non-Christians can read a Christian book and filter it through their own perspective. There’s a LOT of good stuff in here. Like Marcia K. Hornok’s paraphrase of Psalm 23:

The clock is my dictator, I shall not rest

It makes me lie down only when exhausted

It leads me to deep depression, it hounds my soul

It leads me in circles of frenzy for activities sake.

Even though I run frantically from task to task,

I will never get it all done, for my “ideal” is with me

Deadlines and my need for approval, they drive me.

They demand performance from me, beyond the limits of my schedule.

They anoint my head with migraines, my in-basket overflows.

Surely fatigue and time pressure shall follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the bonds of frustration forever.

closure.

what’s your word?

Life goes by FAST. I’m so busy living it, I forget how fast. If I’m not careful, I can spend so much time trying to check things off my computerized (and nagging internal) to do list that I can arrive at the end of the day without having even one non-task related thought. For me,

Journaling slows things down. When I write, I think. I need to think. About things other than deadlines, carpool, permission slips, doctor appointments, haircuts, cats with diarrhea, groceries, vacuuming . . . there goes that internal to do list again. I need to reflect and I can’t see my reflection in the swimming pool if I’m always scooping leaves off the surface. Journaling is a float and a cool drink. The leaves can wait for ten freaking minutes.

Journaling reminds me of the past. Recorded data points help me make conscious, intentional (and, hopefully, better) choices today. I can avoid repeats of negative situations if I can remember what got me into a mess in the first place. When I write about a successful outcome, sometimes I can identify what I did and do it again. I can learn from both my losses and my wins. But only if I remember them.

Journaling captures memories. When my son or daughter (or husband, or friend, or parent or sibling) says something funny or profound, I think I’ll always remember it. Yeahhhh. No. When I jot it down, not only do I always remember it, but my children can as well. Some of my journal entries are a simple quote, with a date. Reading that one little sentence, the memory floods back. And when I read it, I’m so thankful I took the time. Such a simple thing, such a priceless reward.

Journaling helps me figure out my goals. When I journal, I can’t help but think about what is important to me. I can start an entry blabbering about all the stuff I have to do and how stressed I am and by the time I’m finished I realize which of those things are counter-productive to the life I really want to live. It becomes glaringly obvious which items on my plate I should never have cooked up in the first place. It’s also a reminder to to hold my hand over the plate and say “No, thank you.” the next time someone else wants to dish out some more. It reminds me to yank the plate away and say, “I said, no.” when someone tries to put stuff on my plate anyway.

Journaling is more convenient and much less expensive than therapy. I can journal anytime I want, not just on a Tuesday morning at 10:00 (or whatever time my weekly appointment would be.) If something (or someone) triggers anger or melancholy or any other reaction commonly addressed during therapy, I can write about it, and discover as the words land on paper, something I hadn’t considered before - either about me or another person or a situation. Journaling leads me to understanding, calmness, tolerance, choices. So much more.

I’m sure journaling has countless benefits in addition to the ones I’ve mentioned here, probably many I’ve never even considered. But these few are enough motivation for me to stop.

In the middle of the rushing forward, I have the power to stop time. So do you.

Wield it.