thankful. 11.06.09

I’m so thankful . . .

So very, Very, VERY thankful that FirstHusband helps FavoriteSon with his math homework. Here’s some of the conversation from last night:

(this was a pretty laid back conversation – there was no “tone” or irritation)

FirstHusband: Please stop whining about Pythagorean theorem, I’m not even sure it’s the way to go.

(what? huh? now I have to Google Pythagorean theorem. Thank you God that Google suggests alternative spellings, cause you KNOW I didn’t spell pythagorean right the first time.)

FavoriteSon: If I had an angle measurement, I could solve it. If I had a perpendicular bisector. But I don’t have a perpendicular bicector. I hate this problem, we’re never gonna have to use it.

FirstHusband: oh, stop whining. What do we know about angle bisectors?

FavoriteSon: They bisect the angle.

(well, I know more than I thought. I knew THAT.)

THANK YOU, LORD for my husband, his freakish math skills, his relationship with his son and his willingness and ability to help and teach. And THANK YOU LORD that I don’t have to help FavoriteSon with his math homework.

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I’m participating in a month of Thanksgiving hosted by Rebecca Writes. If you want to join in, post something you are thankful for and then link up over at Rebecca’s blog!

I couldn’t stop myself.

I tried. I tried to look away. I just couldn’t. I tried to look at the magazines. The candy. The cookbooklets. Even the National Enquirer. It was no use. It was compelling. Like a bad toupee. I know I was staring.

The girl in front of me in the line at the grocery store was wearing a bumpit. Clearly, the LARGE size bumpit.

Now, if you know me, you know I like me some big hair, but this bumpit thing just goes too far. It is just too weird for me. All I can think of is Jane Curtain. And eggplants.

Stop holding me a-counter-able!

So says FavoriteSon. Three days after I declared myself the “counter tyrant.”

Every time I see one tiny little thing on the counter, I start asking, “Who left this here?” “Who used this?” “What is this?” “Where does this go?” “Can I get rid of this?”

Then I start calling children: “PinkGirl? FavoriteSon? Come put this away. Come throw this away.” Finally, in frustration, FavoriteSon came up with the protest which titles this post.

I kinda like it.

I couldn’t take it anymore. On Saturday, I cleaned the kitchen counter. I put every. single. thing. away. A conglomeration of STUFF. The tribbles of the kitchen counter.

Today, right now? A clear counter AND a clear kitchen table.

Three days and count(er)ing.

skunks are actually beautiful animals.

So says FirstHusband. AFTER we spent nearly two hours coaxing one out of our FAMILY ROOM!!

OUR. FAMILY. ROOM.

That’s just wrong.

Remember the “squirrel in the chimney” story? All about how we dealt with extracting squirrels from our family room? Four times? Now I understand. God was just providing us with ample practice before we had to get a SKUNK out of the family room.

The facts are these:

It’s Saturday night, around ten till eleven. I’m sitting in my favorite chair, in the family room. FirstHusband is sitting on the couch to the left of me. We’re separated by a small table. And a bowl of popcorn. I’m relaxed. Watching DVR’d Grey’s Anatomy. And I hear a noise. A strange noise. A rustling noise. Next to me. So I look down at the table.

Someone is looking back.

One cat is asleep across the room. The other, asleep in PinkGirl’s bed.

This is not a cat.

I immediately lift my feet and, somehow, although I don’t think I’m breathing, I manage to whisper:

“There’s. a. wild. animal. in. the. house.”

FirstHusband looks confused. Just in case I really didn’t speak out loud and only thought I did. I repeat:

“There’s. a. wild. animal. in. the. house.”

“Where?”

“Under the table.”

And then it registers with me just how close this unidentified wild animal is to ME. I am SO not sitting here for one more second. I throw my legs over the right side of the chair and bolt for the kitchen chairs, inches away. I need to be up high. I don’t know what that thing is. It had a a long, pointy, black nose, beady little eyes and white stripes from it’s nose to the top of its head. This was not a squirrel. I decided it was a badger. A mean badger. A cranky, hungry badger. With rabies. FirstHusband tells me there are no badgers in Florida. I tell him he doesn’t know that. Smart man decided not to try and convince me.

As soon as I got up out of the chair, BeadyEyes took off under the couch. FirstHusband, still not sure what’s going on, gets up and W A L K S to the kitchen table. WALKS? He’s barefoot, for cryin out loud!!! So am I, but I’m standing on a kitchen chair, trying not to fall off. (Why did I ever think twirling, rolling office chairs were a good idea for the kitchen table?)

FirstHusband starts moving things off the floor. Toys. Clothes. Backpack. The adreneline rush is easing off and I’m beginning to doubt myself. Full out wishful thinking. Maybe I didn’t see anything. Maybe it was my imagination.

FirstHusband tips the couch.

“It wasn’t your imagination.”

He saw a white, bushy tail run underneath the recliner at the end of the room. So. We know where it is. I saw the front end. FirstHusband saw the back end. He Googles. I can’t see laptop monitor from my position on top of a stool.

Skunk.

NO. That’s not possible. no No NO. NO skunk in my house!!!! no. No. NO. NO. NO!

I climb down from my stool to look at Google images. sigh. Confirmed. This looks exactly like the face I saw under the table.

So we go through the usual set-up for squirrel extraction. This is routine. We open the sliding door. We make our usual gauntlet to the sliding door. Pool hose is used to seal the gap between the bottom of the couch and the floor. Blankets and pillows stuffed into possible escape paths. Lights dimmed. We watch. We wait. We watch some more. FirstHusband moves the recliner. Nothing. BeadyEyes must have moved. FirstHusband moves all the exercise equipment behind the recliner. Nothing. Where’d he go? We wait. We hear . . . rustling. We watch. FirstHusband says:

“Get the camera. You’re gonna want to blog this.”

Can’t see it? Let’s zooma zooma zooma zoom.

Time crawls. BeadyEyes makes about 20 false starts to crawl up onto and across the fireplace hearth. Finally he makes it. Behind the TV armoire. Which we had attempted to block off with blankets and pillows.

Arrrggg.

Time crawls. Because you don’t want to startle a skunk. You don’t want to make noises or scare him out of your house – lest he freak out.

Another 20 or so false starts out the door. But it’s COLD outside. Friday, the week before, the heat index was 106 and NOW it’s cold? Over and over again, the little guy comes out from under the TV armoire, and handstand walks all the way to the door. Handstands. Supposedly this is an aggressive posture. Here’s a Google image of it:

When a skunk handstand walks in your family room, you stay back and leave him alone.

Over and over again, he makes it right to the door, gets cold (or cold feet), drops down on all fours and scurries back under the tv armoire. Finally, he’s there. RIGHT THERE. And he comes scurrying into the middle of the room – right toward ME.

I don’t think so. I had a mop. I didn’t try to whack him, I just stuck the mop head in front of him and he did an about face. Right back under the tv armoire. We rearranged our obstacles, learning from our mistakes and . . . waited.

And prayed.

Finally, he peeked out far enough, and we were tired and brave enough to move in and block his return. FirstHusband never moved faster than when he closed that sliding door.

And we prayed again. Thank you God that he’s OUT. Thank you God that he didn’t spray.

The next day, we walked the exterior of the house, looking for possible entry points. Nothin. And I’ve got to wonder how long he had been in the house, because for DAYS, our male cat has been crying with that low “MaaRRoww” cat cry you fellow cat owners know. And he started spraying in the living room again. Right after we closed the door after the skunk, we let the cats out (we had locked them up in the laundry room before we opened the sliding door). Bob the cat was all over the family room, sniffing everywhere. He knew someone had been there. But how long had he known?

So. What have I learned this week? Don’t leave your doors open. And if you see a skunk doing a handstand, back off.

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To find out what others learned this week, check out What I Learned this Week hosted by Musings of a Housewife.

Need a few more chuckles today? Check out Friday Funnies hosted by Homesteaders Heart!

selling point.

I’m completely open to whatever vehicle comes my way and I’m really appreciating all the suggestions and taking them into account as they relate to our budget. (I would LOVE the Honda Pilot, but eek. The price.)

So I’m perusing Craigslist today and I got my laugh of the day! Here’s the description and the BOLD text is why I’m laughing. (I bolded it.) Does this person know a selling point or WHAT?

2001 Honda Odyssey EX 77,500 miles 3.5L engine Forest Green exterior (good condition) with tan cloth interior (excellent condition). Power locks, power windows, AM/FM radio, CD player, A/C blows cold, power steering, cruise control, third row hide away bench, quad seats, power mirrors, air bags, auto. transmission, power sliding doors, rear A/C, rear defroster, ABS brakes, fold away third row, roof side rails, alloy wheels. Clean and in good condition, no accidents, non-smoker. My parents bought this car new in 2001. They are old and I never knew why they wanted a mini- van. It became mine 1 1/2 years ago. No small children have ever been in this van. It is very clean and has low miles for it’s age. I’m selling it because both of my kids are in college and I don’t need a big car.

Meanwhile, I feel like I’ve at least got to TRY get chocolate shake stain off the back seat of my van before it moves on to it’s next little family. They can create their own stains, they don’t need any “pre-existing conditions.”

(If you want to find out why I’m looking for a new vehicle, check it out!)

carve my name into some cheddar cheese.

Anita Renfroe singing “Before I Eat.”

Ya know, since my hysterectomy, I have NO idea where I am in my cycle. So there’s no disproving that snacking and irritability aren’t hormonally driven. Food for thought.

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Need a few more chuckles today? Check out Friday Funnies hosted by Homesteaders Heart!

If you’ve got time to hang out for a few minutes, check out what else makes me laugh: Pragmatic Compendium’s “laugh!” category.

weird al: white and nerdy. and funny.

I’m adding to my “little known facts” today. Here’s the latest:

“Weird Al is on my mp3 player.”

I think he’s flippin hilarious, and brilliantly creative! I love his fast paced wit. The final youtube video for “White and Nerdy” has embedding disabled, but this pre-production video allowed it.

Can you tell who that is dancing in the background? I know Weird Al is supposed to be the main attraction, but I can’t stop watching Donny. He’s fearless. And a great sport!

CLICK HERE if you want to watch the completed video and find out what they did with the green screen.

Fans of The Big Bang Theory will love it! We can’t wait for September 21st!!!! Season 3!!!

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Need a few more chuckles today? Check out Friday Funnies hosted by Homesteaders Heart!

If you’ve got time to hang out for a few minutes, check out what else makes me laugh: Pragmatic Compendium’s “laugh!” category.

sometimes free just isn’t worth it.

My newspaper subscription ran out. I know this because last week someone called to ask if I would like to renew it. Considering the labor intensive household task of carrying the newspaper from the driveway directly to the recycling bin has lost its appeal, I said “No thank you.”

The nice lady told me I would need to call another number and actually cancel the paper, she was just in sales.

okay, then.

So this week, another nice lady called to again tell me my newspaper subscription was expired. FirstHusband and I had talked a bit between these two “courtesy calls” and decided we really don’t mind getting the Sunday paper. It actually gets taken out of the bag and sifted through before laying around the house for a few days – BEFORE it goes into the recycling bin. Sometimes I even take Thursday’s paper out of the plastic bag to peruse the food section. Here’s how the conversation went:

Me: We don’t really want so many papers per week. Just Sunday is good.

Her: Well, you actually only pay for Sunday’s paper, the rest of your papers are free. It’s a really good deal. If you only get Sunday’s paper, you’ll still be paying the same amount.

Me: I realize that, but at this point, our free papers are causing us extra work on a daily basis. We have two soaking wet papers in the driveway right now.

Her: Oh.

(pause)

Her: Do you have any pets in the house?

(pause)

Me: You mean the kind of pets who might need shredded newspaper? . . . No.

Wait. Did the newspaper sales person just suggest that I use the newspaper for the direct purpose of letting my pet pee on it?

The newspaper industry is in serious trouble. I feel compelled to lend some assistance. If you don’t need any newspaper to soak up pet urine either, here are some more reasons to subscribe:

Maybe you could make this for your pet at Christmas. So festive!

a matter of perspective.

At the library yesterday, I happened upon this book just laying flat on one of the shelves:

Extraordinary Women: Fantasies Revealed: 58 Women of Accomplishment Portray Hidden Dreams and Real Hopes

58 prominent, accomplished women were asked what they dreamed about becoming when they were children. Surfers, ballerinas, opera singers, Olympians, doctors . . . Each women was featured in a two page layout. Their answers appeared on the left and a photograph portraying them in that role appeared on the right.

What they dreamed about becoming when they were children.

Some of the answers fit the question. But the two that struck me the most didn’t. Instead, they answered the question:

What is your dream? Subtle difference.

The dream of CNN reporter Soledad O’Brien, photographed snuggled in bed with her four children – including twin boys – all under the age of five?

Eight hours of sleep.

Then, you turn the page and you see . . .

Madeleine Albright.

Her dream? Worldwide democracy.

I busted out laughing. Eight hours of sleep vs. worldwide democracy. Did the editors put those two back to back on purpose?

But really. It IS a matter of perspective. Tell me that Madeleine Albright wouldn’t dream of eight hours sleep if she had four kids under five years of age.

a wooden leg named smith.

PinkGirl watched Mary Poppins tonight. She’s been a fan for years – even BEFORE she met Miss Practically Perfect herself.

She’s We’ve watched it enough to have memorized large chunks of dialog. These days, PinkGirl is actually able to watch it without pausing the DVD for multiple costume changes.

One of my favorite parts is the laughing song. LOVE Ed Wynn as Uncle Albert. And Dick Van Dyke is just plain GENIUS. Betcha can’t watch him laugh without smiling.

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Need a few more chuckles today? Check out Friday Funnies hosted by Homesteaders Heart!

If you’ve got time to hang out for a few minutes, check out what else makes me laugh: Pragmatic Compendium’s “laugh!” category.

waking kids.

I’m curled up on the loveseat in 14 year old FavoriteSon’s room, talking to him after his alarm has gone off this morning. I’ve prompted him to move from sleeping position to stretching, to sitting on the side of his bed, still stretching to get the blood moving.

Me: Come on bud. It’s 8:10. Are you ready?

FavoriteSon: In an alternate universe.

I’ve switched 8 year old PinkGirl’s music from peaceful instrumental to drive time Christian radio. I’ve kissed her head, and given her a “wake up” back rub.

Me: Come on sweetie. FavoriteBrother is already downstairs. Can you come?

PinkGirl, Stretching and in the Middle of a Yawn: “Mom, sleeping feels SOOOO good.”

Me: “I know it does.”

7 Quick Takes: 07.03.09

1. Conversations with PinkGirl.

PinkGirl: “Mom, when I’m on Broadway, I bet I can get you in to see my show for FREE!”

Me: “I’m sure you can get free tickets (because I am SURE you will be on Broadway!) but I think we would have to pay for our airplane tickets and hotel.”

PinkGirl: “Mom. I will be on BROADWAY. I will have thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. I think I can pay for your hotel.”

Me: “Well, thanks!”

2. I Need a Replacement Pantech Breeze Cell Phone for My Dad. If you have one – or know of someone who has one and doesn’t need it anymore, let me know! He lost his cell phone yesterday. We just got it for him in January. The Breeze is marketed specfically for retired people and it was really the PERFECT phone for him. Big buttons, large font on a good size screen, good volume . . . PERFECT for him.

Unfortunately, since he’s not eligible for an upgrade yet, it’s $279 to replace, but AT&T can give me an “exception price” of $179.00. OUCH. So I look on eBay. I found 12. 12? On EBAY? And the prices are not much better than AT&T.

Me: “I can’t believe I only found 12 of these on eBay! What’s the deal with that?”

(pause)

Me: I suppose, since it’s marketed to retired folks, it makes sense. I’m thinking there are a lot of retired people out there who (first Husband chimes in) don’t know how to use eBay. arrgg.

My dad was so upset when he called me to tell me. I could tell he was feeling bad about himself for losing it, saying things like “I knew better . . . ” I kept telling him how losing and breaking cell phones is jut something that happens. To EVERYONE. FirstHusband’s Blackberry survived a ride on Space Mountain, although in 3 pieces (one of them missing). FavoriteSon let a girl “see his phone” and she dropped it from the very top row in the bleachers at a track meet. I threw my Treo at the floor once during a mom meltdown. I dropped my Centro while fumbling to answer it and broke the LCD screen two months after buying it.

Last year, after my mom left, I put my dad on my plan. We have AT&T and it’s only $10 a month to add a line, so it really helps him out because he’s on a limited income. I’m going to replace my dad’s phone for him. He feels really bad about losing it. But I don’t have an extra $179 either. So after calling the phone all day and having it go immediately to the “the AT&T customer you are trying to reach is unavailable” message, I figure one of two things. It is broken. Or it’s at a place of business where their policy is to turn off the phone and wait for someone to claim it. (Disney’s policy, by the way.)

(That second one it just not nice. I understand they are concerned about privacy and being sued and all, but seriously. Everyone knows the easiest way to return a found cell phone is to immediately look for the address book entry marked “home” and call it – or a frequently dialed number that looks like someone the owner might know well. It’s like finding a wallet and opening it to find the person’s id.)

So after a few hours of calling the phone and having it NOT ring, I suspended the number. I checked the usage online and it was 0 of 0 on data and 37 minutes on talk, so no one is using it. I’ll go to AT&T today with an old sim card and see if they can use it to get my dad’s number on FavoriteSon’s old Razr while I find my dad a new Breeze. If they can’t use the old sim card, it will cost $25 for a new one.

3. Still Decorating . . .

Finally used my $25 eBay gift certificate from Christmas! I bought this for the Laundry Room door because it is NEXT to the bathroom door downstairs and I do NOT want ANYONE who might be visiting to mistakenly open said laundry room door accidentally while looking for the bathroom door.

I bought this for the bathroom door – again to correctly steer visitors to the correct door.

This is for FavoriteSon’s room:

Notice there is no photo of the laundry room? Thank goodness I didn’t put my camera in there or you might not ever see another photo on this blog again.

4. Wearing White? The “color” I’m supposed to wear this week for Praise Team is white. WHITE. Remember when I said I had to wear PURPLE and I didn’t own any purple? Well, trust me, given my gynecological history, other than a few casual shirts, I do NOT own any WHITE.

But now, two months post-op, the fact that I can now boldly wear white is sinking in. Not sure what I’m going to do with that.

5. Macy’s Buy One Get One 50% Off! Went to Macy’s yesterday, looking for something white to wear (no luck). Standing there, sifting through the sale racks, I hear “Yes, ma’am. You buy the first bra, the second one is 50% off.”

What? What?

Last week, I wrote about my “find a new bra experience” and that I bought two. One for $34 and another for $36. I didn’t mention that I was going to go home and get a few more on eBay, cheaper. Found them on eBay for $20, plus shipping. This sale made them $25 each and since I might actually FIND something white to wear, I might need a white bra on Sunday, so I bought them – no waiting.

And as a follow-up to last week, I’m not in love with the a Bali “Passion for Comfort” Full Coverage T-shirt Bra. The elastic tends to curl inside the fabric on the sides. Still LOVE the other one, though!

6. Bought a New Mattress! FirstHusband has been complaining about our mattress for months. So yesterday, when he had the day off, I suggested that we buy a new mattress. (I think I can sleep on anything – I don’t know from good mattress to bad mattress.) Anyway.

When FirstHusband started complaining I asked him to note the mattresses he slept on while on travel. (Yes, he had to travel to get a good night’s sleep.) He liked the Serta Perfect Sleeper something or other model – at the Hampton Inn. Further research found that the Serta Perfect Sleepers sold to consumers are NOT the same sold to hotels. Hotels get double sided, FLIPPABLE mattresses. Consumers do not. You want a Serta mattress like you slept in at a hotel? You have to buy it through the hotel! Who knew?

But that requires shipping. And waiting. And I don’t even want to think about a possible return. We happen to have, in town, a mattress factory. “The Original Mattress Factory.” Their standard practice is to make double sided, flippable mattresses. And you can even sign up for their regular “It’s time to flip/turn your mattress” email list! (They even have a pretty good return policy – up to a YEAR and you pay 25% of the lowest of the mattress you pick instead. Unless you buy a more expensive mattress, in which case, you add the difference.)

I wasn’t home when FirstHusband and FavoriteSon dragged/pushed/hauled/wedged/squeezed the mattress up the stairs, but I understand it was an experience of the $10,000 AFV variety. When I got home, they were taking the old mattress and box springs to Goodwill.

I sent a text to FirstHusband: umm. I can’t get in my own bed.

FirstHusband: Get a stepstool.

HOLY BIG GIRL BED, Batman! That thing was HIGH. Last night, FirstHusband lowered the rails about 4 inches and I STILL need a stepstool – no kidding! I’m not sure if I’m going to need the rails lowered again. I wouldn’t need a stepstool, but the dust ruffle would puddle on the floor.

And you know I need a dust ruffle. There’s some serious storage under that bed.

7. 3 Day Weekend! FirstHusband is smoking ribs and chicken. We’re taking a load of meat and some dirty rice over to some friends later as they settled into their new house. They’ve been living in an RV and their kids have been sleeping in a small apartment on their property for months. We met them through FavoriteSon, his friend is their son.

They raise butterflies. Is that COOL or what? They sell mostly to weddings and schools. Here’s an interesting tidbit. Do you know how to pack butterflies for shipping? (Gently) Close their wings and slip them into an envelope. I still don’t understand why their little legs don’t break.

We went to the movies last night. PinkGirl begged us to see Ice Age. In 3D. It was painful. We even had to pay EXTRA for the glasses. Which they wanted us to “recycle” (give back) at the end of the movie. I don’t think so. We took ours home and can now throw away all the paper 3D glasses we’ve kept to watch the 3D movies we have on DVD.

I feel the need to fill boxes with stuff and go to Goodwill. After I go to our friend’s new house, I will feel this need even more.

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Join in with your own 7 Quick Take Friday post at Conversion Diary hosted by Jennifer!