Pragmatic Compendium

Warning: This is L O N G. You may need a nap in the middle. Or at least a snack.

Here’s two things I read this past week.

The first, in an email sent to me from FirstHusband:

A woman died and was sent to heaven. One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him. She only wanted to ask one question of him. So she asked, “Why did you create man before women?” God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, “Every good design needs a rough draft.”

(Yep. That’s FirstHusband. - Gotta love him!)

The second, in Chapter 6 (read it online here) of the book, The Excellent Wife, written by Martha Peace:

“Woman was created for the man, not man for the woman.”

Then Mrs. Peace notes 1 Corinthians 11:7-9 as support for her statement. According to her book, 1 Corinthians 11:7-9 reads like this:

“For a man is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. for man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake.” (emphasis added)

I looked these verses up on www.BibleGateway.com in an attempt to figure out which version of the Bible Mrs. Peace was quoting. The closest I found was from the New American Standard Version:

7 For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. 8 For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; 9 for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but (C)woman for the man’s sake.(emphasis added)

Why does she misquote scripture here?

Because quoting the beginning of verse 7 would call attention to the context? Check out verses 5 and 6:

5 But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved. 6 For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head.

The head covering verses? Seriously. The head covering verses? Verse 7 was misquoted to avoid reference to the head covering verses? Mrs. Peace is a big chicken. And I know that of which I speak. I’ve been a big chicken myself.

I’ve been following along with a study of this book, currently lead by Leslie at Lux Venit. I haven’t posted until now, because I’ve been the odd “man” out. And I’ve been chicken. FirstHusband’s email has given me courage. So did Leslie’s commentary:

“Honestly, this chapter left so much to be desired. Peace packs too much into this chapter without giving much in the way of explanation. I read this chapter four times and still finished just as frustrated the fourth time as the first. Peace offers a verse or two on which to base her statements, and that’s it. She uses the controversial 1 Corinthians 11 verses without any helpful interpretation, and verses from Ephesians that Paul himself calls “a mystery.” A woman without any prior knowledge or understanding of these verses would be very confused.”

I’m not confused. I’ve just lost some confidence in the author of this book. It’s not just Mrs. Peace. Overall, anyone (book authors included) who makes a declaration of God’s will without supporting their point with the Bible loses credibility with me. And when they misquote scripture or take it out of context in their attempt to support their point? Not working for me.

Here’s the thing. I spent years in the Baptist church, accepting and believing everything that was taught to me, without question. When I met FirstHusband (ChristianFriend at the time), he challenged me. He was ornery. He would draw me into theological discussions and take the opposing view, just to see if I knew why I believed what I believed. I don’t like losing. And I was losing those debates. A lot. (He later told me he was “testing” me and that I was the first Christian girl who didn’t slink away wondering if he was a Christian when he asked them difficult spiritual questions.)

So as a result of all these discussions, I started asking my pastor and other Christians lots of questions, reading my Bible more, reading commentaries . . . learning. Grounding my faith in Biblical wisdom instead of heresay (not heresy). Taking responsibility for my beliefs. Today, I no longer accept what others say without question. (Oprah has no power here.)

So if Mrs. Peace wants me to view her words as fact or truth instead of opinion, she needs to prove them. Convince me. Show me. In the Bible.

She’s not convincing me. Rather, she’s prompted me to double check her use of scripture.

Wary, but undeterred, I move on. I pass by the diagram showing how we are made in God’s image because it was so unbelievably simplistic, until I realize the graphic is being used to set up for the next one. Mrs. Peace is quoting a retired professor from Columbia University who compares the relationship of man, woman and God to the Holy Trinity. My first response was to be creeped out. But wait. Let me think on this one a few minutes.

I’m liking it. Very cool. Check out Professor Hatch’s breakdown for yourself:

The planner who makes the plans—God the Father.

The one who carries out the plans—God the Son.

The one who also carries out the plans as well as keeps and empowers Christians - God the Spirit.

In the Trinity, of course, there is perfect harmony. All are satisfied with their roles. There are no “power plays” or role confusion. Note how the Lord Jesus describes both His work and His role as well as that of the Holy Spirit:

“We must work the works of Him who sent Me, as long as it is day; night is coming, when no man can work.” John 9:4

Jesus therefore said, “When you lift up the Son of Man, then you will Know that I am He, and I do nothing on my own initiative, but I speak these things as the Father taught Me. And He who sent Me is with Me; He has not left Me alone, for I always do the things that are pleasing to Him.” John 8:28,29

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.” John 14:26

Also, within the Trinity, it is interesting to note who gets the glory. The Holy Spirit did not come to call attention to Himself but to Jesus.

Jesus said, “But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come. He shall glorify Me; but He shall take of Mine; and shall disclose it to you.” John 16:13-14

In addition, Jesus did not come to call attention to Himself but to the Father.

“I glorified Thee on the earth, having accomplished the work which Thou hast given Me to do.” John 17:4 (emphasis and red letter added)

Empower? I use that word all the time to describe my training philosophy. I can relate. I can also deal with the idea that I should “empower” my husband. Very cool.

Then I notice the word “helper.” That’s from the New American Standard version. It appears Professor Hack is attempting to call attention to the similarities between the word “helper” as it applies to the Holy Spirit and how it applies to the role of a wife. Is that an appropriate comparison? Going over to www.blueletterbible.com, I look up the word “helper” used here. In Greek it means “paraklētos” and I’m grinning because the part of speech for this word is “masculine noun.” And it’s being sited as a word for the role of a wife in marriage. But what does it the word mean? I also find the outline of Biblical usage for paraklētos:

1) summoned, called to one’s side, esp. called to one’s aid

a) one who pleads another’s cause before a judge, a pleader, counsel for defense, legal assistant, an advocate
b) one who pleads another’s cause with one, an intercessor

1) of Christ in his exaltation at God’s right hand, pleading with God the Father for the pardon of our sins

c) in the widest sense, a helper, succourer, aider, assistant

1) of the Holy Spirit destined to take the place of Christ with the apostles (after his ascension to the Father), to lead them to a deeper knowledge of the gospel truth, and give them divine strength needed to enable them to undergo trials and persecutions on behalf of the divine kingdom

okay. I’m dense. I’m still not clear on how this applies to the role of wives in marriage. I go straight for the Greek definition: “comforter, advocate.”

Okay Prof Hatch. I can be that for my husband. I try to be that for him already. And even though I’m saying that on the internet right now, I really don’t need to take any credit for it either. Is that what you’re saying? I’m okay with that.

I move on again, because even though I’m not down with Mrs. Peace at the moment, I’m not ready to stop reading her book yet and I am gaining new perspective. I am however, very aware that it’s Professor Hatch who led me to that new perspective, not Mrs. Peace. He made a statement and backed it up - with the Bible.

After the last quote by Professor Hatch (shown above) - in both the printed book and in the online text of this Chapter, Mrs. Peace doesn’t clearly indicate that she has stopped quoting Prof Hatch and has gone back to her own thoughts again. It’s always confusing when a writer does that, but in this case, I figure it out immediately because of what she writes:

So, Just as Christ glorified the Father by doing the Father’s “work,” you are to glorify your husband by doing the husband’s “work”. Your role is to glorify your husband. You were created for him.

And now I’m creeped out again. It’s the word “glorify.” Not EVER a word I have considered when thinking about what I do for my husband. Back to www.blueletterbible.com (I love this site!). Glorify, in greek it’s doxazō and the Biblical usage is:

1) to think, suppose, be of opinion
2) to praise, extol, magnify, celebrate
3) to honour, do honour to, hold in honour
4) to make glorious, adorn with lustre, clothe with splendour

a) to impart glory to something, render it excellent
b) to make renowned, render illustrious

1) to cause the dignity and worth of some person or thing to become manifest and acknowledged

Okay, some of it I get (although if I tried to “clothe” FirstHusband “with spendour” I don’t think it would go very well. Something like bathing a cat.)

But still. The word “glorify” creeps me out. I’ll stick with the word “honor” (#3 above) if that’s okay with you.

I’m also confused about what Mrs. Peace means when she says I’m supposed to be doing my husband’s “work.” Why does she put quotes around the word “work?” Jumping over to page 55 of the book (towards the bottom of the page in the online text), I see the “Eighteen Ways a Wife May be the Glory of Her Husband.”

okay. Let’s take them one by one.

1. Ask your husband, “What are your goals for the week?”
2. Ask your husband, “How can I help you to accomplish these goals?”
3. Ask your husband, “Is there anything that I can do differently that would make it easier for you?”

I’m good with all three of these, given my freakish organizational nature and textbook communication skills. I don’t think a weekend goes by where FirstHusband and I don’t talk about what’s going on during the upcoming week. So, these are great ideas. Not Biblical directives but good, solid ideas to strengthen a relationship and make a household run more smoothly. For a week, at least.

4. Be organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking. As you fulfill your God-given responsibilities, your husband is then free to do his work.

My “God-given responsibilities” are to be “organized with cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and cooking?” So the fact that my husband and I share these tasks means what? I’m outside of God’s will? What does it say about my husband? What does the Bible say about the yardwork? In our house, we’ve figured out a division of responsibilities that works for us. If I were to do all the household chores by myself, FirstHusband would come home to me sitting wide eyed and comatose, needed a shower and saying “ba baba ba, baba . . . ” (remember that scene in Overboard with Goldie Hawn?). Besides. That Proverbs 31 woman? She had “servant girls” - not “girl” as in singular, but “girls” as in, more than one.

And why is there no mention of ANY of the responsibilities that come with raising children? Seriously. I found the word “children” ONCE in this chapter. In #6 below, where she says I’m to put my husband before my children. Even then, sometimes that’s not possible. When an infant depends on one of your body parts for food, you have to feed them, even if it means your husband has to wait.

So for all the wives and mothers out there who are exhausted at the end of every day, who smell like curdled milk, who want to know how to get dried caramel off the seat of their van, who don’t remember what it’s like to go to the bathroom by themselves or without someone talking to them with their lips pressed to the crack in the door, who accidentally wear mismatched shoes to work, who just don’t seem to ever put themselves on their own to-do lists and who pro-actively strive to run an efficient, but loving home . . .

You need yourself some servant girls. No servant girls? Then, no condemnation for “failing” to “Be the Glory of your Husband” because you can’t cross this #4 off your list.

And that’s all I have to say about that. (for now.)

Back to the list:

5. Save some of your energy every day for him.

Again, a good, solid idea from Mrs. Peace. But it is dependent on how #4 works out for me on a given day. I try, but truth be told, there are times when my kids “swim down together” and wear. me. out.

6. Put him first over the children, your parents, friends, job, ladies’ Bible studies, etc.

We are a team and we work together to accomplish the goals we’ve set for our family. We’re each other’s best friend. We raise our kids together.

7. Willingly and cheerfully rearrange your schedule for him when necessary.

If one of us needs the other to be somewhere, we are - if at all possible (unless he’s out of town). Sometimes we make concessions. For example, I’m scheduled to sing at a Mother’s Day Brunch on Saturday. We recently bought a boat. So you know what he wants to do on Saturday. But he doesn’t want to go without me. Do I cancel because I’m supposed to put him first? Should I have said no to the commitment in the first place? He says no to both of those questions, because he’s encouraging me to use my gifts in ministry (#17 below), so I’m going to go glorify God Saturday morning.

8. Talk about him in a positive light to others. Do not slander him at all, even if what you are saying is true.

We Never. Never. Never speak negatively about each other to other people. We may tease and kid sometimes, but never in a way that might hurt each other’s feelings or betray our confidence in the other.

9. Do whatever you can to make him look good, to accomplish his goals. Some examples are offer to run errands for him, organize your day to be available to help him with his projects, pray for him and make good suggestions. Give him the freedom not to use your suggestion, and do not be offended if he does not follow it.

We’ve got each other’s back and do these things for each other. However, I know that I have more flexibility than some women when it comes to organizing my day to be available to help him. A woman with a full time job won’t have that same flexibility.

In our house, FirstHusband and I both do these things. I don’t see how any of these are unique to women. This is what committed, married, Christian husbands and wives should do for each other. We know it’s work and we consciously strive for it.

10. Consider his work (job, goals, hobbies, work for the Lord) as more important than your own.

Because he works full-time and I work part-time, this is easy for me. Any woman who relocates to follow her husband to a new job does this. However, I know there are women who haven taken on the role as the primary bread-winner and their husbands have adopted the role of homemaker. What about them?

11. Think of specific ways that you can help him accomplish his goals. Examples are get up early in the mornings to help him get off to work having had a good breakfast, take care in recording telephone messages for him, anticipate any needs he may have in order to attain a specific goal, and keep careful records of money spent to keep up with the budget.

For our house, these examples are meaningless. I just focus on numbers 1 and 2 on this list and treat my husband with courtesy and respect. I try to do random acts of kindness for him - every day.

12. Consider the things that you are involved in. How do they glorify your husband? Ask his guidance.

So the things I’m involved in should glorify my husband and I should ask him for guidance to stay on track with that? I’m not sure what Mrs. Peace means. I shouldn’t be involved in activities my husband doesn’t support? This is an easy one for me because FirstHusband is very supportive and there’s not much he has asked me not to do. Oh! He asked me not to dye my hair red, so I won’t.

Neither one of us take on commitments which impact our daily family life without discussing it first. We have family “policies” we’ve adopted over the years to help us make decisions quicker. Like, each kid can only be involved in two extra curricular activities at any one time. We don’t make commitments which have us out of the house on school nights. I work as a consultant, but my husband isn’t involved in my daily business dealings. He doesn’t want to be. We talk about our work challenges and successes, and we offer each other advice and encouragement, but we don’t get involved in each other’s work much more than that.

13. Be warm and gracious to his family and friends. Make your commitment to him obvious to them.
14. Do and say things that build him up instead of tear him down.

Again with the good, solid ideas. But again, not unique to women. It’s just what people who love each other should do.

15. Dress and apply your makeup in an attractive manner that is pleasing to your husband.

This is a tough one for some women. I admit, when my kids were little (babies and toddlers) it was more difficult to fit in self care. I did smell like curdled milk sometimes, but I often couldn’t fit in a shower until FirstHusband was home to take over kid care. Since I turned 40, I’ve been changing some things. Maybe I’ll post about it someday.

16. When your husband sins, reprove him privately and gently, always giving him hope and pointing him to the Lord.
17. Encourage him to use his spiritual gifts in ministry.

FirstHusband and I do both of these for each other. We have a conflict resolution model that we learned when we were dating and we’ve been using it for 18 years. We’ve both memorized the steps and are actually very good at fitting a conflict into the model very quickly. It’s just something we do instead of fight or yell at each other.

We also encourage each other in ministry - as it fits with our goals for our family. When his schedule permits, he volunteers with a mentorship program. We’ve taught Sunday School together. I’m a vocalist, but because of our commitment to be home on school nights, I don’t sing in the choir or with the worship team. Rather, I perform solos. I can rehearse in the car, on my own time - not during family time. I also spoke and lead music at a few retreats, but quickly realized I didn’t want to be away from my family for weekends, as retreat leadership would require. It just doesn’t fit with our family priorities right now.

18. Realize that just as God is glorified when man obeys Him, your husband is glorified when you obey your husband.

Glorified? Still creeped out. Honored? Perfect.

Obey? It’s easy to “obey” someone when they put my needs before their own. I’m blessed that FirstHusband does that for me. He has never authoritatively “ordered” me to do anything. In our relationship, we don’t “defy” each other’s wishes. We respect and support each other’s preferences, goals, ideas . . . you get the idea.

All in all, an interesting list. However, NO scripture to support the items on the list.

Moving on again, Mrs. Peace is discussing the effects of the fall of man, one of which is “a power struggle between the man and his wife.” She quotes scripture again, but adds her own parenthetical comment:

“Yet your desire (to control or overtake) shall be for your husband, And he shall rule (to have power) over you.

Genesis 3:16, emphasis and
parenthetical comment added”

So first she leaves something out of quoted scripture and makes no mention of it. Now she’s adding to scripture and, while telling us that she’s doing so, she doesn’t tell us why. I want to know why. I’ve always read that scripture in a very straightforward way. “Your desire shall be for your husband . . . ” Why is she saying that desire means “to control or overtake?” She doesn’t say. I read that section again. She doesn’t say. I read Chapter Six again. She doesn’t say. I have to hunt for it, so it’s back to www.blueletterbible.com for the meaning of the word “desire.” The Biblical Usage is referenced as:

1) desire, longing, craving

a) of man for woman
b) of woman for man
c) of beast to devour

Of beast to devour? Okay, then. Never heard this verse interpreted this way. The Greek word for desire is “tĕshuwqah” with the root meaning “shuwq” meaning “overflow.”

Again, I’m dense, so I Google “shuwq” and come up with this: “From shuwq; a street (as run over)“

Not getting any better. So I search for commentary. Wow. I get it. All the commentaries I read pretty much said the same thing, but here’s the bottom line: This same word for desire is used in Genesis 4:7 - the desire of sin to master over Cain.

Okay, Mrs. Peace. NOW I understand why you added your parenthetical comment to Genesis 3:16.

Then she gets back to the obey and submit stuff. When I saw the diagram with the crown and the little church on page 54, I waited for felt to fall out of the book. Okay. That was mean. I know. But she could have saved me a LOT of time by providing a reference for her parenthetical comment about Genesis 3:16 and its relationship to Genesis 4:7. Mrs. Peace is making it difficult for me to understand her book without searching out additional resources. Leslie went in search also and discovered Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. Check her post to her recommended reading of this great resource.

THAT was long. If you’re still with me . . . THANKS! And . . . if you did make it all the way here - and you haven’t clicked away, thinking “what a heathen!” - I would love to know your thoughts!

(Chapter Six is not the first, but rather the most recent pause I’ve taken while reading this book. I’m not sure if I’ll work backwards from here and explain - simply because it’s almost summer and I will have children standing between me and a complete thought for 2 1/2 months. We’ll see.)

When I wrote the post entitled The Underwear Principle and now, underwear. step by step., I mentioned that I had applied this principle in other situations in my life. One of those situations involved my son.

FavoriteSon attended a Montessori pre-school from age three to five. The Montessori philosophy encourages independent work and allows the students to physically move around the classroom during the day. The “lessons” are clearly defined as separate activities with very specific, step by step instructions which follow the “left to right” and “top to bottom” concept employed by reading. The classroom was lined with low shelves on which sat rows of restaurant trays. On each tray were most, if not all the components of each lesson. It was the perfect learning environment for FavoriteSon at the time. (There’s a lot more to the Montessori philosophy, but I’ve covered what relates to the background of my situation.)

When it came time for 1st grade, we moved FavoriteSon to a traditional classroom environment at a non-denominational Christian school and it quickly became apparent that he was having a difficult time making the adjustment.

Someone, I don’t remember who, used the term “ADD.”

So I applied the The Underwear Principle:

Step 1: I didn’t approach the situation from any pre-conceived notion of how things “should” be. I opened my mind to the possibility that I DIDN’T KNOW what the problem was. I didn’t assume that my current knowledge and past experiences were enough to lead me to a conclusion, a diagnosis, a punishment strategy, or a resolution. I admitted that the “answer” might be different than anything I could think up on my own. Even worse, I had to consider the possibility that my parenting style was influencing the situation as well. (yeah. not liking that idea.)

Step 2: I tried to stay focused on the fact that my little boy wanted to learn. He wanted to behave appropriately. I understood that he was faced with an obstacle he couldn’t overcome without our help. We didn’t punish him or lecture him. We didn’t want him to feel defeated by school in the first grade.

Step 3: I analyzed what was happening. I took into account as much information as I could - the actual behaviors, the time of day, any possible cause and effect or trigger, his seating assignment - if there was ANY information available, I wanted to include it in my analysis.

The classroom layout was structured and decorated very differently from what he had experienced before, with the “lines” for each learning activity now blurred. There were no more distinct, individual tasks or lessons. Rather, unrelated information surrounded him on every wall. Not only was FavoriteSon no longer encouraged to move around the classroom during the day, but now he was actually discouraged from doing so. No more independent study or activities. Now, everyone worked on the same lesson together. When the teacher spoke to the children, she most often spoke to them as a group, rarely speaking directly to each individual child and making eye contact. The teacher reported that FavoriteSon frequently spoke out during class - but often, when he did so, it appeared as if he was talking to himself. He sometimes didn’t seem to hear her when she spoke to him. He often continued with lessons and activities after the teacher had concluded and moved on to the next lesson. Almost every morning he disrupted the class by talking to his classmates.

Step 4: I began researching the possibilities. I read books and articles, searched the internet, talked to other parents, teachers, counselors and even kids. The first thing I did was read some books on ADD.

FavoriteSon was displaying a few signs of ADD. One I noticed immediately was “hyperfocus.” If he was fully engaged in a task, he didn’t seem to notice anything around him. That’s what he was doing when he continued the lessons after the rest of the class had moved on to the next activity. I used to do that as a child when I was reading, and I never thought much of it. But FavoriteSon took it to the extreme. If he was interested and engaged in what he was doing, it was VERY difficult to get his attention. And not so much fun to get him to stop the activity. So what did this mean? Was there anything I could do about it? Back to the books.

I zeroed in on Chapter 10, Addressing the Imbalance: Non-Drug Treatments for ADD, in the book, “Running on Ritalin,” by Lawrence H. Diller, M.D. In the section entitled Behavioral Training: An Indispensable Tool, he suggested an interesting concept: (emphasis added)

Structure tasks into smaller components. For example, instead of telling a child, “Clean your room,” break the job down into stages: “First pick up your clothes off the floor and then put them in the hamper.”

I had an “Ah HA!” moment. I realized that, for my son, the instructions “Clean your room.” or “Do your homework.” were:

1. Too abstract. With so many things to do in order to accomplish that task, he was paralyzed and didn’t know where to start.

2. Too overwhelming. The job seemed bigger than it really was.

3. Too confusing. We didn’t have the same ideas with regard to what “clean” was when it came to his room. To him, it was clean. There were just toys and clothes on the floor.

(I read a LOT more and talked to a LOT more people, but it’s just too much to relay here. I’ll note some book resources at the end of this post.)

Armed with a plethora of information, it was time to turn all this knowledge and theory into action.

Step 5:
First, I wanted to rule out any physical problems, so I took FavoriteSon to the doctor for a checkup and had his hearing checked. His pediatrician didn’t discover anything unusual and his hearing was fine.

Secondly, I tried Dr. Miller’s suggestion to break things up into smaller components. I started at home. I gave short, step by step instructions for chores, homework - even bathing:

Instead of “clean up your room,” I said, “Pick up all your Rescue Heroes and stand them up on the shelves, please.” The first time, I said “put them on the shelf” and he PILED them on the shelf - but he had done what I asked. After a few times, he started to put all the water guys on one shelf, all the firefighters on another . . . my freakishly organized tendencies manifesting themselves in my son. I was so proud.

Instead of “Do your homework.” I said, “Hmm, how old are you? 6? If you do 6 math problems you can play for 12 minutes.” The first time he did his 6 problems in less than 5 minutes. After a few times of this “little bit of homework, little bit of play” he did his 6 math problems, I set the timer for 12 minutes and when the time was up, I said, “Hey bud, it’s time for 6 more problems.” He grinned and, without even looking up from the video game he was playing, he said, “Nuh uh. I finished all my math.” Little stinker had done ALL his math problems in one sitting. Because when he sat down to do them, he was only faced with the small, manageable task of completing 6 of them. (microactions, gotta love ‘em) I wondered why it took him a little longer that day. I just thought the problems were harder.

Instead of “Take a shower.” I said, “Pop in the shower and get your hair wet, please.” followed by “Get some shampoo in your hands and make bubbles before you put it on your head.” He used to spend way too much time in the shower and come out dry and dirty. Now, he had a clear understanding of what to do. I just walked by the bathroom door every few minutes to remind him what he was supposed to do next. If I didn’t, he would get distracted and we would hear him singing - and not washing.

It was amazing. Everything I asked FavoriteSon to do, he did. Fast. With fairly good attitude. So, I spoke to the teacher and explained what I had learned and what we had tried at home. She began modifying the way she gave instructions and reported that she noticed immediate, significant improvement. Lessons were completed, there were less instances of hyper focus and generally, he was doing better in school.

But he was still talking in class - to himself and to the other kids. I recalled something I read in Dr. Miller’s book, Running on Ritalin:

“The family of drugs to which Ritalin belongs - the stimulants - has been both a blessing and a blight on humankind. The stimulants, which include such drugs as caffeine, cocaine and amphetamine, are so named because of their generalized effects on the body’s organ systems, particularly on the heart, blood vessels, and brain. Stimulants increase blood pressure; they make the individual less sleepy. Stimulants such as coca leaves and tobacco have been used for centuries by indigenous peoples for there energizing, pain killing or medicinal properties. Many of us can’t start the day without our hit of caffeine.”

I drink coffee every morning. At least two cups. And we’re not talking 8 ounce cups. Who’s to say FavoriteSon couldn’t have a little Coke instead of a little Ritalin? And weren’t those tiny little half size cans just perfect for this little experiment? Bingo. He had his little can of Coke during snack every morning and the talking lessened. Significantly. (He was in 1st grade, did you really think he would completely stop talking in class?)

A few years later, we had his vision checked and found out that FavoriteSon was nearsighted and needed glasses to correct his vision. Was that another problem for him that we didn’t discover at that time?

So, looking back, I’m not sure. Did FavoriteSon have mild ADD? Or did he, like his sister, have problems with his blood sugar? Or both? Did his experience in Montessori school lead to some of the problems he had adjusting to the traditional environment? Was I a bad mom all those years for not realizing that one of the reasons he seemed so disinterested looking at alligators in the lake we drive over was because he couldn’t see them?

I’m not going to spend time on the diagnosis (or blaming myself) now and I didn’t focus on it then. What I DID do was take action. I applied The Underwear Principle, step by step.

For us, it worked. And make no mistake, as nice and neat as this wrote up, we didn’t live it out so smoothly. See, it’s easy to do all the stuff we did. But to do it consistently, over and over and over, every day, without giving in?

Now, THAT. Was hard.

Running on Ritalin by Lawrence H. Diller, M.D.

Should I Medicate My Child? by Lawrence H. Diller, M.D.

The Myth of the A.D.D. Child, 50 Ways to Improve Your Child’s Behavior and Attention Span Without Drugs, Labels or Coercion by Thomas Armstrong

Beyond Ritalin, Facts About Medication and Other Strategies for Helping Children, Adolescents, and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorders by Stephen W. Garber, Ph.D., Marianne Daniels Garber, Ph.D. and Robyn Freedman Spizman.

This week’s giveaway is for the book just give me a little piece of quiet, 60 mini-retreats for a mom’s soul

So how do you enter to win this book? Comment on this post!

What’s the comment topic today?

Share one of your favorite mini-retreats!

How do you de-stress? What do you do when you take time for yourself? (Or how do you wish you could de-stress and take time for yourself?)

One of my favorites? A mani-pedi in a salon with massage chairs. $30 of relaxation. I told my husband that this was an expense he hadn’t considered when we bought the boat. More frequent pedicures.

I’ll close comments Sunday evening, April 20th and use a random number generator to pick a winner!

Check out the list of previous winners and the books they won!

This week’s giveaway is for the book Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, by Sarah Ban Breathnach.

So how do you enter to win this book? Make a suggestion in a comment!
Don’t have a suggestion? Just leave any comment and you’ll be entered to win!
Don’t want this week’s book(s) but still have a suggestion? Add “no thanks” to your comment.

My request today? Suggest a name for our “new” boat!

Since I have two copies of this week’s book, I’m actually going to expand this drawing a little bit - everyone can ENTER TWICE.

If you want to make sure you get in the drawing for the book, just enter ANY comment now. I will award Simple Abundance to a random winner.

If you want to think about a boat name and leave your comment later, do that too. That way, you won’t miss the drawing if you forget to come back before Sunday night. If we actually pick YOUR suggestion, you will win both Simple Abundance AND the audio tape edition of Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self, also by Sarah Ban Breathnach.

The Details: We bought a boat on Saturday! We used to own a boat (pre-kiddos) and since the kids are older now, we think it’s time we introduced them to our love of saltwater fishing. We’ve actually wanted to buy another boat for while now, but we waited until we could afford it and we’re so glad we did. It wouldn’t be very relaxing to go out for a little stress relief on a boat that owns US, instead of the other way around.

We named our first boat “The Briar Patch.” For this boat, we’re leaning toward the name “The Briar Patch II,” but we want to consider other options first. FirstHusband says a 22 foot boat is too small to have a name, but that mindset has been overruled by the rest of the family. He also has the idea that we may even head on out on a Friday night and spend the night on the boat so we will wake up on Saturday morning and not face the hour long drive to the coast. hmmm. we’ll see. (It does have a porta potty.)

Notes:
Only the comments on THIS post will be eligible to win.
If your comment “signature” doesn’t link to any contact info:
please include your email in the comment or check back to see if you won!
The books I give away here are usually “treasures” in “very good ” to “like new” condition.
I’m trying to give away a book a week, so I can only afford to ship within the U.S. So sorry!
Check out the list of previous winners and the books they won!

I’ll close comments Sunday evening, April 13th and use a random number generator to pick a winner!

I read, therefore I quote. I can’t help it. It’s what I do.

“Microactions have become the cornerstone of my own attempts at balance. “Steps” did not always work for me. They seemed too big because they required that I give up control, make a commitment, and risk failure. (These are not my three favorite things to do.) Microactions get around my fears because I stay in control, commit to something so small I could hardly fear it, and I am guaranteed success. I am surprisingly easy to outsmart . . .

. . . Microactions really work. I use them on myself all the time. For example, I want to do two hundred sit-ups a day: one hundred first thing in the morning and one hundred the last thing at night . . . My goal is 1,400 a week. Can I commit to 1,400 sit-ups a week? Not on your life. So I tell myelf I have to do only one sit-up. Who can do only one sit-up? I do one and then when I’m down there I do ninety-nine more. I don’t dislike doing sit-ups, I dislike thinking about making myself do sit-ups. I hate the feeling I must do them and that if I don’t, I am somehow “bad.” So I trick myself into it and get past the barrier.

Do I do 1,400 sit-ups every week? Of course not. Some days I do one sit-up twice a day. Sometimes I do twenty-five. And, I am proud to say, sometimes I do two hundred.”

by Mary LoVerde

Stop Screaming at the Microwave

(copyright 1998, softcover, pages 44-46)

And the Winner is: MOMMY BRAIN! Now, the cool thing about this is that Mommy Brain won the LAST Clean Sweep(stakes) here at Pragmatic Compendium, but she asked me to pick another winner because she had just won a larger prize during the Ultimate Blog Party and she wanted to give someone else a chance.

I found that people had entered the sweepstakes in two different posts, so I included any comment with “snow advice” in the entries. I use a Excel to generate a random number with the formula @randbetween(1,X), where X equals the total number of entries. (eek. that sounded like a little like algebra.) So, I PROMISE this was random! Congratulations Mommy Brain! I’ll email you to find out what book you prefer!

Check out this week’s Clean Sweep(stakes)!

Once again, I need help, so I seek it with a bribe. A little advice in exchange for a chance to win a book!

We’re taking the family on a trip to Utah to see snow. We’re flying into Salt Lake City and we intend to spend at least one day at Park City. We aren’t going to ski, but we hope to rent snow mobiles and do some tubing and sledding. But we have a problem. We’re not sure what to take or what else we might want to do. (We have borrowed some winter clothing, but we don’t know if we have everything we really need.)

You see, we live in Florida. We are water park people. Beach people. We understand heat, humidity, perspiration, sunscreen, preventing dehydration, beach gear, saltwater fishing . . . you get the idea. We do NOT understand snow. Or cold. Or winter clothing. Or “outerwear.” Or winter sports and activities. My kids and I have never made snow angels, snowmen or even snowballs. We are actually taking our bathing suits so we can swim in the hotel’s indoor pool. (Somehow, that seems wrong.)

We have no idea what to expect, what is possible, what we should be sure to do, what we should be sure NOT to do. Basically, we have no clue.

So that’s where you come in. Post a comment and give me a clue. It can be ANYTHING. What to bring, what to do, where to go, what you’ve experienced . . . anything snow related that might help me.

Commenter’s Choice! Just note which book you would want to win in your comment, along with your tip! I provided the Amazon links so you can “LOOK INSIDE!” for a preview.

Book Choice Number One: A Promise for Ellie (Daughters of Blessing #1) by Lauraine Snelling (Christian Fiction)

Book Choice Number Two: 500 Fat-Free Recipes: A Complete Guide to Reducing the Fat in Your Diet by Sarah Schlesinger (LOVE this - I just have two of them.) The Amazon “LOOK INSIDE!” provides the index - a list of ALL the recipes in the book!)

Book Choice Number Three: Wit and Wisdom from the Peanut Butter Gang: A Collection of Wise Words from Young Hearts

Book Choice Number Four: MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS by John Gray (it has a few stray pen marks I picked up a newer, clean copy yesterday)

(I’m really sorry, but I’m trying to give away a book every week, so I can only afford to ship within the United States.)

I’ve been reading Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel. Chapter 7, The Freedom to Be Different really resonated with me. Check out my latest post over at Pragmatic Communion. It’s about giving my daughter the “freedom to be different.”

Here’s a bit of Dr. Kimmel to ponder:

“The primary way to give our children grace is to offer it in place of our selfish preferences. They receive grace when we choose not to commit sins against their heart when our human nature would suggest that it would be okay to do so. In fact, the greatest grace that children receive is when we can even see the sins we are inclined to commit against their hearts followed by our willingness to go against our selfish urges. So much grace is stolen in the heat of the moment by our selfishness. Kids want things, need things, say things or do things that either bother us, embarrass us, or hurt us. But sometimes the reason we are hurt is because we might be exercising immaturity, insecurity or indifference. We take things that are huge to children and trivialize them, or we take small issues and magnify them out of proportion.”

“If you have a different child and remind her about the sacrifice you’ve made to accommodate her quirks, it is not in a context of grace.”

“crazy woman say what?” (yes. we watch Hannah Montana.)

Really. Don’t file paper any more. Let me tell you a little story.

Once up a time, the perfectly organized woman (POW) would meticulously label color coded folders. Then she would sort papers, first by vendor (to go with the folders of course) and then she would sort the papers again. This time, chronologically. (of course). She would then staple together anything that was numbered “X of XX” and punch holes in the top to load onto the prongs in the folders. Folders without prongs? NEVER!

The mail would come in, the bills would paid and the checkbook balanced. (By her husband of course - she married him so she would have someone to balance the check book and change the cat litter.) The POW’s husband would then stack up the remaining paperwork and the POW would file it neatly, according the perfect filing system previously described. At the end of the year, the contents of the pronged color coded folder would be moved into a matching folder behind it. The contents of this matching archive folder was arranged chronologically as well. Both the active folder and the archive folder were nested neatly in a matching, color coded hanging folder.

The POW would open her file drawer and angels would sing the Hallelujah chorus.

Then, one day, the POW and her husband had a baby. Then, a few years later, they had another baby. And after a time, for some reason or another, the POW needed a copy of the first baby’s birth certificate.

AND SHE COULDN’T FIND IT!

She suddenly realized she hadn’t filed in her perfect system for SIX YEARS. When she opened her file drawer, she heard screaming. Realizing the screaming was coming from her own body, and being the problem solver she is, (and confident that she would never find the original birth certificate in her own house) she ordered a new birth certificate from the State.

Then the POW filed for and was granted an official name change. She is now known as
Perfectly Organized Woman Reformed (POWR). She purchased 47 books on organization (second hand, of course), read 2413 articles entitled “100 Ways to Organize Your Home” and then had an epiphany.

She remembered the Underwear Principle.

again with the “crazy woman say what?”

to be continued.

(thanks to Charlene over at Busy Mom’s Recipes for inspiring this post.)

Leslie, over at Lux Venit has inspired a post I’m working on. She’s reviewing a book for Discerning Reader entitled Redefining the Strong Willed Woman by Cynthia Tobias and she’s posted a poll asking the following questions:

1. Would you call yourself a strong-willed woman?
2. Do you view the possession of a strong-will as a positive or negative characteristic?
3. Do you feel like your strong-will hinders or enhances your walk with Jesus?
4. Do you believe a woman has to give up her strong-will in order to follow Christ?
5. Strong-willed women have a more difficult time fitting in with the rest of the women at church. Agree or disagree.

She’s hoping to post the results on Monday, so head on over and respond before then if you can. Hopefully you’ll come back here and check out my answers later. (I’m not finished thinking about the questions yet.)